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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP totally forgot and feel miserable?

30 replies

FlyMeToDunoon · 14/08/2017 15:27

Long planned a few days off work to spend almost exclusively with DP as we don't often get time to ourselves and don't live together. Dates were discussed and we were finally able to book days at the same time. I arranged childcare.
We discussed days out we might both enjoy without the children. I booked us into a hotel for one night-four poster bed, dinner included. We talked about all of this. Some issues came up with dates which were dealt with.
So all planned a while ago but talked about over the last few months and weeks.
Last few days I have mentioned really looking forward to our time together and yesterday texted him about a day out I thought would be good. He replied about needing to do some house maintenance. I thought he was joking around.
Today in the supermarket as I was getting in a shop for my children as they are staying in our house I said to him and what food do we need to get? He was mystified and it became apparent that he had no idea of my staying at his and indeed had 'not realised it was this week'
I'm gutted and feel that it's going to be really hard to bounce back and enjoy it now.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/08/2017 15:34

That's annoying but don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Get him back on track. And don't entertain ideas of house maintenance when you've planned time off together.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 15:46

He doesn't listen to you at all, does he?

Original poster
FlyMeToDunoon · 14/08/2017 15:54

That's it notever. That's how it makes me feel and then him trying to claw it back by asking what shall we eat, where shall we go. Like I want to do any more thinking and organising now.

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 14/08/2017 16:09

From the OP

Some issues came up with dates which were dealt with.

What where the issues and were they raised by your DP? Could it be that they were dealt with to your satisfaction but not your DP's?

Original poster
FlyMeToDunoon · 14/08/2017 16:14

The dates issue was with the hotel booking. We had to change it. We discussed alternatives and he was there when I phoned to change it.

OP posts:
MrMessy · 14/08/2017 16:16

So how have you left it with him? Is it still going ahead? I would feel pissed off in your situation but can you resolve it in a way that means you still get some time together- assuming you still want to?

Miserylovescompany2 · 14/08/2017 16:17

Maybe you are more invested in the relationship than he is? Is the planning always your doing, OP? How long have you been together?

ClemDanfango · 14/08/2017 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Areyoufree · 14/08/2017 16:30

I forget everything. I have no sense of time or dates. We write everything on a calender in our kitchen, and even then, I am likely to get it wrong. It doesn't mean I don't care, I just completely oblivious to dates and how they relate to each other. Try not to take it personally, unless there is more to the story.

Areyoufree · 14/08/2017 16:31

*am

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 16:42

I booked a dental appointment months ago for my dd that my dh was supposed to come along to because she's really scared and was being awful. We arranged dates so he could take the afternoon off and I confirmed everything with him. And he forgot to write it down. And his friend offered him a ticket to the arsenal/Leicester game. He's normally good and organised. But he forgot. I was fuming. Dd got through it ok though. I'm usually the one to forget things.

Dh loves his dd but he just forgot. I don't know if you should take it personally or not. It depends on other signs. We all make mistakes.

LagunaBubbles · 14/08/2017 16:46

Im a bit mixed up, is it the night in a hotel hes forgot or the night with your children in his house? Or is it the same?

GlitterSparkles17 · 14/08/2017 16:47

I know how you feel, like he wasn't excited enough to remember? I'd probably feel the same as you tbh What's he said about it after you reminded him? Has he apologised?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/08/2017 16:53

Well I hope he's pulled his socks up, and is back on track.🙄

CotswoldStrife · 14/08/2017 17:02

Did you change it because he couldn't make the first date you'd booked?

I think the OP has arranged some child-free time staying at his house, which includes one night in a hotel.

I also get the feeling that there is something we haven't been told! Don't know why, maybe it's the change of hotel dates but although I can fully understand the OP being disappointed that he wasn't more excited about the child-free time together I just get the feeling that the dates may not have been the best for the DP.

Hope it all works out for you OP Flowers

mumonashoestring · 14/08/2017 17:07

My reaction would depend on what he does next - if he makes an effort to salvage it then all well and good (ie makes some plans or suggestions instead of leaving it all to you). However if he just shrugs, says 'oh well' and expects you to fit around his plans then that's not someone I'd be making an effort for again.

Nikephorus · 14/08/2017 17:08

I have no sense of time or dates.
This ^^ I usually don't have the faintest idea what the date is (because I rarely need to know it) so I could see myself not realising how soon something was (though I rely on Outlook for a to-do list that has all the dates on). It wouldn't mean that I didn't care, just that I hadn't twigged that we'd reached that time already.
Don't overreact just because the LTB brigade on Mumsnet tell you it's the right thing to do.

Mrscropley · 14/08/2017 17:30

Imo he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to make the most of your child free time. .

Witsender · 14/08/2017 17:34

If he has booked the time off, which he has as implied by talking about house maintenance, then it is specifically just spending time with you that he forgot. Which is pretty shitty. If he had booked the wrong week off work, or plain old forgot altogether then I would be less annoyed I think than him having the time off but forgetting what he was supposed to be doing with it.

Disn3yN3rd · 14/08/2017 17:37

Playing devils advocate a little bit here but is it possible with work etc he has just got the dates mixed up?

My husband will get dates mixed up. He doesn't do it on purpose but I don't take it as an insult (for want of a better word) to our plans.

Original poster
FlyMeToDunoon · 14/08/2017 18:22

Back again.
The hotel date had to be changed because ages ago, when I was organising the days my eldest child told me that A-level results day was 18th. It's actually 17th and I want to be around that morning to take her to school and.....just be around.
DP is slightly iffy about the hotel thing because he doesn't spend money. Whether that has a bearing I don't know.
He has been at his flat this afternoon tidying up and has taken two steaks out of the freezer. No apology. My gut feeling is that he didn't quite realise the time had gone by and this was the week we had planned to spend together. He may not have realised I thought we would spend it at his flat although I did talk about childcare arrangements.......He looks forward to his diy and this has probably been at the forefront of his mind.
Anyway he is due to come and pick me up any minute so wish me luck!

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 14/08/2017 18:23

To be fair if you know you can't rely on your memory for dates and stuff, surely you then develop strategies to cope so the people around you don't suffer. The OP's DP clearly knew at the point when they would talk about it that this was important for her and she was excited, so could really have written it down - put a post-it on his bathroom mirror if that's what it took.

I'm by nature extremely scattered and forgetful but would be mortified if I hurt people like this. It really isn't an excuse. I have to look up the dates for e.g. Mother's day about five times but I would never let myself forget to celebrate it.

I understand it's gutting OP - if possible I'd put it behind you. If the rest of the relationship is otherwise good and this isn't symptomatic of a wider problem which has niggled previously, then please do try and bounce back, because what matters is having a good time, and I do think it is possible to get over it if you make a conscious effort not to dwell. How is he reacting to his mistake - properly sorry and getting excited now?
Have to admit, I really feel for you.

velourvoyageur · 14/08/2017 18:25

Xpost
does he know that this bothers you?
good luck!

Neutrogena · 14/08/2017 18:28

If he doesn't prioritise you then he doesn't love you. I bet he would forget a date to go to a sports event or a team night out which included that pretty young thing from accounts....

timeisnotaline · 14/08/2017 18:31

Ummm I couldn't let this go if he didn't apologise / make an effort to make plans now!

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