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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think your grandchildren should remember you for more than just your cooking?

29 replies

BocaDeTrucha · 14/08/2017 13:33

Currently at Pil's house who live about 1000 miles from us. We come every summer with ds (4). Other of their grandchildren are here visiting too and they also live about 5000 miles away and visit once every 2 years.

AIBU comes from the fact that, despite not hardly ever seeing her grandchildren (other than the 2 who live in the same village and she sees every day), she insists on spending hours every day locked away in the kitchen preparing food. She won't accept any help other than clearing away the table and chooses to make things that take hours instead of something quick and easy to be able to spend more time with her family.

My dh has told her to make life easier for herself and come out of the kitchen but nothing changes. I'm not ungrateful for her hospitality but just think if she wants any type of relationship with her grandchildren, she needs to get out of the kitchen. We're talking about a typical south med country where the older generation are very much like this but I find it so frustrating. We try to suggest all goi g out for lunch etc but she won't have it and I just feel it's almost a bit martyr-like that she feels the need to slave all day in the kitchen to provide. There are much easier alternatives.

OP posts:

NoMudNoLotus · 14/08/2017 13:35

If it's her culture then yabu ... some cultures are very much about putting food in their families tummies !

huggyhuns · 14/08/2017 13:37

Sorry, OP, this sounds awful but perhaps she's not that bothered about seeing or spending time with her grandchildren?

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2017 13:37

If it makes her happy, I think it's lovely.

FreudianSlurp · 14/08/2017 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BocaDeTrucha · 14/08/2017 13:39

It kind of does make her happy, but she's just getting over a big illness also and we want her to let up a little. It's very much a cultural thing but surely there's a middle ground??

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 14/08/2017 13:40

I can't see the problem , could the children not help her with the cooking / make something special with her .

Floralnomad · 14/08/2017 13:40

Does she never come to stay at yours ?

blackberryblue · 14/08/2017 13:42

My dad came to stay once and spent the entire time gardening. I get that he wanted to be helpful but I'd rather have seen him, if you follow me, so YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2017 13:43

It's very much a cultural thing but surely there's a middle ground??

She's an adult making her own choices though.

If she's happy then she's happy.

Normandy144 · 14/08/2017 13:44

I have experience of this. My PIL are from a south Mediterranean country and MIL is very much the feeder of the family. Everything revolves around having a meal on the table and when one is cleared away she's thinking about the next. We too don't live close by but your experience is very similar to mine. It used to frustrate me but I have to remind myself that it's not my relationship to interfere with. I'm happy to create the opportunities but equally I'm not going to force it. I've recognised that it's not a personality trait but more a cultural norm for her. I'm not going to change that. So my advice would be don't frustrate yourself trying to change things. It's hard I know but it's not a battle I think you can win.

Bumplovin · 14/08/2017 13:44

My grandma absolutely loved cooking and entertaining it was her 'thing' and she's have been upset if she wasn't remembered for it

LinkPlease · 14/08/2017 13:45

I don't know that's it a cultural thing, maybe more a generational thing. When my parents have their GC my mum feeds them whilst my dad keeps them amused/takes them places. She does spend some time playing with them but they all rave about certain dishes she makes, I think she's quite chuffed they like her cooking so much and really don't think she'd mind if that's what they remember of her when she's gone.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/08/2017 14:22

50% of my memories of both sets of DGP are food-related. And we're talking everything from home-made, home-grown runner bean chutney to tinned mushy peas.

IrritatedUser1960 · 14/08/2017 14:24

I have wonderful memories of my grandmothers fantastic food, she died 30 years ago but I still think about her and her food every day.

SaucyJack · 14/08/2017 14:25

She may well find it more relaxing to be in the quiet kitchen cooking, than in a crowded room full of family members.

Cooking is a pleasurable activity for a lot of people.

BeachyKeen · 14/08/2017 14:26

So go in and help her, tell her you guys want to learn to you can try it with the kids at home, lie if you have to, but if cooking is her thing, let her share it with the grandkids

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 14:29

My dh loves cooking. We always host christmas dinner because he likes cooking. Win win for me. Stay in pjs, dont go anywhere and dont have to cook.

He is from south med too. For dh the time taken to prepare and cook a meal is how he shows love. I get yiu want her to spend time with them. But for her this is hee expressing love, probably.

You dont agree but she may not agree with all your choices. Its not what you envisioned. But families often arent.

Original poster

BocaDeTrucha · 14/08/2017 14:30

Nope, she never lets them get involved, keeps the door well shut to keep out cooking smells.

She has been to ours about 3 time since ds was born and we do go to theirs at new year too.

I guess I should just accept that is how she is but I just feel it's a shame as she's not making any bond. But as you say, she's a grown adult, she makes her choices.

OP posts:

TheSolitaryBoojum · 14/08/2017 14:34

Have you read the other posts on the thread? She is making a bond, just not the one you'd make. I have very fond memories of my Yorkshire grandmother and most of them are food related.

MargaretTwatyer · 14/08/2017 14:44

A lot of people feed as a way of demonstrating love. Could you ask her to do some cooking with the children? Teach them something?

Original poster

BocaDeTrucha · 14/08/2017 14:50

I guess yes, she is making her bond in her way, but no it's the not the sort of bond I think of. All I know is my ds is terrified to go into the kitchen to ask the old lady in there for a glass of water when he's thirsty.

Normandy, sounds like an identical situation. I guess IABU and need to accept how she shows her love. I just now see her getting more and more tired with her treatment and medication and think she should slow down some. No-one will think worse of her for not making a million meatballs!!!

OP posts:

LorLorr2 · 14/08/2017 14:55

It would probably be extremely difficult to change someone's outlook when they're older in age and set in their ways. Go ahead and gently tell her you want the children to have quality time with her, but if she carries on as usual then it can't be forced. She was brought up differently and it might feel very important to her to be the kitchen person. I suppose another explanation could be that she's an introvert and likes to come away by herself when guests are round! Haha

Sammysquiz · 14/08/2017 14:56

My Greek MIL is like this. She does love spending time with the DC, but to her it would be very rude to have guests & not provide an elaborate feast for every meal.

happy2bhomely · 14/08/2017 15:24

I understand what you are saying but my Great-Grandmother was like this. She kissed us hello and goodbye and fed us every other Sunday. I never had a direct conversation with her but I have lots of lovely memories of her and her food. She was a warm lady but wouldn't have even remembered my name. I loved her though.

So many of my childhood memories revolve around food!

My Grandad and peeling prawns and cockle picking when the tide was out.

My Nan and her roast potatoes and extra strong mints.

My other Nan and Rich Tea fingers and orange squash.

It's her way of expressing her love.

BarbarianMum · 14/08/2017 15:32

My MiL does lots with my dc but I guarentee you that, when she goes, her roast dinners will be fondly remembered by them for years.

Some of my fondest memories of my Spanish gran revolve around what a terrible cook she was. She could burn water.

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