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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU parents open marriage

37 replies

Yellowgummybear · 14/08/2017 11:31

Interested to hear opinions on this. Have been told that DM and DF now have an open marriage and identify as polyamorous. DM has a 'lover' she sees regularly and DF apparently has numerous other partners. This came about after DF was unfaithful which caused a lot of upset in the marriage and family.

As the adult child, AIBU to just say fine, but I don't really want to know the details? DM and DF seem to think this attitude is judgemental. I guess I don't really know where the line should be in this situation. Is it reasonable to expect us to meet and socialise with their other partners? To talk in depth about these other relationships? DM & DF still live together and to all intents and purposes to everyone else are happily (exclusively) married.

OP posts:

booloobalooloo · 14/08/2017 11:33

Umm... isn't this essentially yakking about their sex life? Who wants to talk about that with their parents? X

PinkHeart5911 · 14/08/2017 11:34

Why would any child want to know what there parents do or don't do for sex? You are not being unreasonable to say you don't need details, I certainly wouldn't want any.

If it works for them great but why do you need the details?

I wouldn't be meeting any ow/om NO!

FoxyRoxy · 14/08/2017 11:34

It's not judgemental to not want to know the ins and outs of anyone's relationship, surely? All you're saying is that what they do is their business and you're fine for them to crack on but you don't want the details of their sex life. I'm sure they don't want to hear about your sex life either yanbu

PollyPerky · 14/08/2017 11:35

I'm not sure it's any of your business and as for meeting their other 'partners' is that what it amounts to? It sounds from what you have posted as if your DM is getting some revenge for your DFs affair.

Meeting the others socially may not be part of the set up and these other women and men may run a mile from meeting you and other siblings.

Are they wanting to 'talk in depth' about it all, or is that your fear?

It depends on what kind of a relationship you have already and how close you are.

I think you are quite entitled to say you accept this situation but you don't want the details, just as you might for anyone's relationships.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 14/08/2017 11:37

Agree with booloo!

I think I'd be inclined to say you can do what you want, but don't involve me!!!

As for meeting them.... why? Why would you? I can't imagine a scenario where that would happen.

pilates · 14/08/2017 11:43

What they do in their private time is up to them, but I wouldn't want to meet up or hear about it.

Original poster

Yellowgummybear · 14/08/2017 11:47

I don't want to meet partners. Definitely not on my to do list!

DSis has met one of DF's partners, a lady who was staying over at their house and was introduced as a 'friend'. However it was obvious she was something more than this and DSis found it very uncomfortable.

Parents don't see why she should have been uncomfortable with this.

DM has told me that I've always been 'immature about sex' because I've never confided in her about it. I've been married nearly a decade and certainly don't want to talk about DH with my mum!

I feel like I'm being made out as the uptight one here when I just really don't want to know about my parents' sex life.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/08/2017 11:58

I'm with you YellowGummyBear.

They cannot force their desire for you to meet their partners if you do not want to.

StaplesCorner · 14/08/2017 12:01

Dear god they sound awful and self absorbed, did they have any boundaries when you were growing up?! I think its your DM who is "immature" not you!

Tazerface · 14/08/2017 12:02

So...it's judgemental for you to not want to talk about it but not judgemental for your mum to call you immature because of it?

They are deluded. In all honesty they sound like they are getting off on the (sort of) exhibitionism of it. No one gives that much of a fuck about anyone random shags and of course your children care even less than others.

elevenclips · 14/08/2017 12:02

What a complete weirdo wanting to discuss sex life with daughter

alltouchedout · 14/08/2017 12:02

They can have whatever relationships with others they want. You can have whatever relationships you want, which means you're under no obligation to have any contact with any of their partners unless you want to. They should surely be able to accept you saying "whatever you do is OK with me if you're both happy, but I don't need to know the details of your private lives"?

PovertyPain · 14/08/2017 12:08

They really are two selfish pricks. Their sex life is their own business but if they're so confident that it's ok, then why are they so hellbent on getting their poor children to accept it? It looks like they have a bit of guilt related to their behaviour and that's why they are pushing for you to say "that's ok".

Hillarious · 14/08/2017 12:18

YANBU in your attitude. I had a conversation with DD (20) yesterday and we agreed we're a bit about anyone who insists their DM is their best friend and they talk about everything. Many, many things are more appropriately discussed with your peers, but we still acknowledged that there's a role for mum too, just not a best friend role. Your DM and DF should acknowledge this too. Their sex life is their business. If they need to discuss it with anyone, their peer group is the place to start. They might be a bit too, though.

squoosh · 14/08/2017 12:21

Vom vom vom.

Who the hell wants to hear about the literal ins and outs of their parents' sex lives.

They sound like a pair of attention seeking dullards.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 13:09

What your parents do is none of your business, and at the same time your parents must respect the fact that you don't want to hear about any of it. I sure as hell wouldn't. Stand your ground and don't allow them to bully you about it. Not talking about them screwing other people is not being judgmental - your parents are being fucking rude and ridiculous.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 13:12

Oh Gooood, YANBU to say you don't want to hear about it.

Unfortunately, polyamory seems to be the sexual equivalent of that brand of annoying veganism* where people cannot shut the fuck up about their own practices and feel a need to preach to obviously unwilling congregations about their choices. The person who finds a way to make it stop will undoubtedly be due the Nobel Peace Prize.

(*Nothing against vegans as a whole - there are plenty who are lovely, sane, wonderful people who don't evangelize).

PurpleDragon76 · 14/08/2017 13:18

YANBU and they are if they are seeking your approval of their sexual life choices. I am judging them for exposing their sex life to their kids. No parent I know, apart from one weird one, discusses their sex life in detail with their child.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 14/08/2017 13:21

This is the kind of crap I would genuinely cut off all ties with them for. I wouldn't want to hear it and their insisting that I am immature for not discussing who is sling what up who would be enough for me to walk away.

VestalVirgin · 14/08/2017 13:37

Who the hell wants to hear about the literal ins and outs of their parents' sex lives.

Yeah. It is a fact universally ackowledged that people do not want to know about their parents' sex lives.

I'd reduce contact with them.

I'd also judge the hell out of my father if he were to cheat on my mother, and I wouldn't feel bad for it.

I'm judgemental, and that's okay.

Original poster

Yellowgummybear · 14/08/2017 13:49

Okay this seems fairly unanimous. I'm glad, it's hard when you hear value judgements about you from your parents and I'd started second guessing myself.

They do seem evangelical about the polyamory. To the point that they're both apparently glad DF had the affair because it's got them where they are now. I can't help thinking (privately) he's a manipulative man who gets what he wants and won't say sorry. I don't know. They say they're happier than ever.

poverty I think you're right and DM wants validation from me for her decision.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 14/08/2017 13:57

I wouldn't want to know any details , and I wouldn't be wanting to meet the partners so if that meant not visiting their house as you may bump into who ever then that's what I'd be doing.

GreatFuckability · 14/08/2017 13:58

I don't know. I mean obviously (at least to most people, my stepmother not being one of them sadly, but thats another a thread!) children don't want to hear about their parents sex life. as in the actual sex part. but relationships are often about more than just sex and if for them that means they spend time socially or whatever with the other people they are involved with, I don't think its particularly wrong to talk about them, as they would naturally talk about anyone they spend a lot of time with.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/08/2017 14:02

What you need to start doing is chatting with them about your liking for traffic cone sized dildos water sports and having shit rubbed into your face.

squoosh · 14/08/2017 14:03

I'm judgemental, and that's okay.

Me too!

I'd be more than happy to be seen as a Disapproving Victorian Daughter if my parents tried to coax me to get to know their shag pals. No thank you, I do not want to share wine and nibbles with Jan, Barbara, Pauline, and Keith.

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