AIBU parents open marriage

[Yellowgummybear]

Interested to hear opinions on this. Have been told that DM and DF now have an open marriage and identify as polyamorous. DM has a 'lover' she sees regularly and DF apparently has numerous other partners. This came about after DF was unfaithful which caused a lot of upset in the marriage and family.

As the adult child, AIBU to just say fine, but I don't really want to know the details? DM and DF seem to think this attitude is judgemental. I guess I don't really know where the line should be in this situation. Is it reasonable to expect us to meet and socialise with their other partners? To talk in depth about these other relationships? DM & DF still live together and to all intents and purposes to everyone else are happily (exclusively) married.

That's it fuckability, I just don't know where the line is. If they were divorced and had a new partner, it would be fair enough to mention them. It's just they're unconventionally still together.

I would rather DM didn't follow BDSM erotica accounts on Instagram though and click that she's interested in local kink night events on Facebook though. I don't think she understands about privacy settings. That one popped up on DH's feed. I mean, do I mention this to her?!

Argh

@Tazerface

They are deluded. In all honesty they sound like they are getting off on the (sort of) exhibitionism of it. No one gives that much of a fuck about anyone random shags and of course your children care even less than others.

THIS ^

Hate people brag brag bragging about their fucking sex life, and making a load of HOWWWWWWWWWLING noises so everyone knows what an amazing shag they're having.

VOM

But for it to be your parents who are carping on about their sex life!!! Fucking hell, who does that? That's wrong on every level. So what if the 'child' is an adult, you don't discuss that shit.

@Bemusedandpuzzled

Unfortunately, polyamory seems to be the sexual equivalent of that brand of annoying veganism where people cannot shut the fuck up about their own practices and feel a need to preach to obviously unwilling congregations about their choices. The person who finds a way to make it stop will undoubtedly be due the Nobel Peace Prize.

This also. I can't abide people who have a certain lifestyle or life choice, and feel the need to go on about it, whilst trying to convert people, and thinking everyone else is wrong but them. My DH had some fucking twat blathering on the other week in Tesco about how he was losing out in life for not being part of this amazing sales team he was in, where he and his colleagues make 5 grand a week some weeks. yeah right...... It's like some people discover something and think everyone needs to join in with them

Personally I find 'open marriages' and 'swinging' and all that shit ghastly beyond words. I just don't think you can honestly love and respect your spouse or partner if you are happy to shag other people, and let them shag others too. It's vile.

@NeedsAsockamnesty

What you need to start doing is chatting with them about your liking for traffic cone sized dildos water sports and having shit rubbed into your face.

Oh my fucking GAWD!!!!!!!

I almost choked on my latte reading that!!!

I would rather DM didn't follow BDSM erotica accounts on Instagram though and click that she's interested in local kink night events on Facebook though. I don't think she understands about privacy settings. That one popped up on DH's feed. I mean, do I mention this to her?!

:O well yes, that would be an issue for me, and one I would at the very least be telling her to cut out or sort her privacy settings out!!
I do get what you mean though, I think you need to think about where your boundaries are and then clearly tell them both. and what they think is irrelevent, what are YOU ok with hearing about. I'd be ok with what i mentioned above, but that doesn't mean you have to be, if you aren't then you aren't. They have to respect that your boundaries are yours and there are no rights and wrongs.

Personally I find 'open marriages' and 'swinging' and all that shit ghastly beyond words. I just don't think you can honestly love and respect your spouse or partner if you are happy to shag other people, and let them shag others too. It's vile

You're entitled to not want to do it, but that doesn't make it vile, or give you the right to decide other peoples feelings. lots of research shows that polyamory is a really normal set up in lots of cultures, and if it works for all the people involved in a relationship, then thats really for them to decide.

DM has told me that I've always been 'immature about sex' because I've never confided in her about it. I've been married nearly a decade and certainly don't want to talk about DH with my mum!

I think your mum needs to learn an awful lot about respecting privacy and boundaries. If she wants to quack on about her open relationship, she can find someone who's actually interested, rather than bending your ear about it. I mean, that's just manners, isn't it?

There's nothing 'immature' about wanting privacy. I' have a really close relationship with my mum but I'd never discuss my sex life with her. The only conversation we've ever had about it was when I was 18 and I told her I'd gone on the pill, purely because I wanted her to know I was being responsible.

There's nothing 'immature' about wanting privacy. I' have a really close relationship with my mum but I'd never discuss my sex life with her.

Right! Phew. Thought I was going mad there.

If it's true polyamory then it's really not just about sex, it's about forming emotional bonds with more than one person. You don't even necessarily want to have sex with that person (although normally it does). It is understandable that the important people in your life want you meet other important people in their life.

It may not be to your taste or be something you want to do but that doesn't make your way of thinking right and there's wrong. MN can be so incredibly judgemental about anything that doesn't meet their view of how the world should be.

If you don't want to meet other partners then don't, but don't try and assume moral superiority because of it.

I think your mother is probably massively kidding herself and all this is a why to grey and cope with a cheating husband. Did he always cheat? how old are they? soundsike your dad is having his cake and eating it.

If it's true polyamory then it's really not just about sex, it's about forming emotional bonds with more than one person. You don't even necessarily want to have sex with that person (although normally it does). It is understandable that the important people in your life want you meet other important people in their life.

Yes. This. And if they're genuinely polyamorous it's possible that some of these partners may become significant figures in your parents lives, over many years. I know of poly couples who have serious secondary partners who they have been with for years, who they share holidays with, who live in groups etc.

I mean, you're obviously not obliged to meet anyone, but it might be something that becomes more awkward, not less, as the years go on, if your DM, for example, is spending two nights per week with her boyfriend, and sharing holidays, and perhaps taking on some kind of stepmother role with his children.

Well yes, this is it - some partners do sound serious. DM says hers is very important to her.

YANBU

What your parents want to get up to, and with whom, is entirely up to them. But unless you want to discuss it, they really should keep it to themselves. I don't imagine that there are many who want to have a detailed discussion about their parents sex lives. Or discuss their own sex lives with their parents. It's not judgemental or immature.

Your parents sound like they are quite enjoying the drama of it all, TBH.