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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to talk some sense into me. Dd holiday with Dad.

34 replies

Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 09:09

My dd is due to go to Mexico for two weeks with her Dad. She has been away with him lots of times before but I can never shake the paranoid feeling.

What is she falls in the sea? What if she doesn't watch crossing the road?
What is she gets really seriously ill and I can't get to her within ten minutes.
Even ,what if there is a CO leak like what happened to that poor family. Other equally awful scenarios ones whir in my head.

She is 9. I know this sounds silly but these things happen.

Then I worry if I don't hear from her for half a day. Just a text I am fine.
Then I worry she isn't having a good time.

I mean its not like I will be sat at home. I am going to the USA with my boyfriend but then I feel guilty as I am having a good time without her.

What is wrong with me?

We have just come back from our holiday with my dd. We ended up in and e due to an ear infection. Me also for an infected insect bite. We both fly again on Saturday. She has been ill and in bed. I worry she will still be ill when she goes.

I am not like this normally. I think it is because it's abroad and for quite a long time.

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
Kimberly343 · 14/08/2017 09:12

Do you suffer from anxiety generally? Your post sounds very over anxious.

The chances of a lot of these things happening even at home when your DD is with her dad are about the same as abroad. Unless you have serious concerns about your ex's parenting I think you should try to relax a bit.

Sunshinegirls · 14/08/2017 09:15

Yes, I feel like this about my girls. I get crippled with anxiety if they are out of my care, even for a minute. I can't even play hide and seek with my girls, I panic when I can't find them. Silly, but I can't help it. I can offer you no advice but just wanted to let you know you're not the only mum who feels like this.

LindyHemming · 14/08/2017 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 09:25

No not overly anxious. Just this it is bizarre.

I am going out with my teacher friends on Tuesday for a day drinking session and an escape room and leaving her with my parents. I will not bat an eyelid.

It is just when she is abroad. I don't get it.

Her Dad is a bit more lax than me but not overly so but I can imagine him letting her swim with just a 14 year old to accompany her. She will also be with her Grandparents and her sisters.
She will have a lovely time. I just can't take the guilt and paranoia.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 14/08/2017 09:27

Please speak to your GP, this level and f anxiety is nt normal

Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 09:30

Please speak to your GP, this level and f anxiety is nt normal

Really? 😬😬

Honestly I am a sane Physics/Maths teacher for most of the year.

So most people don't think like this? Jeez maybe I should then.

OP posts:
defineme · 14/08/2017 09:40

I burst into tears when my ds was away with youth group last summer...no reason as he's been away with them before, first time abroad without my 3 dc was awful, I think it's normal and I think it gets better. I find facetime helps and also the usa is near mexico! I am a sane teacher tooGrin

blueskyinmarch · 14/08/2017 09:47

My DP's used to take my DD's away every year abroad on holiday when they were small. It used to make me massively anxious and i have no idea why. I am certainly not an anxious person generally. Sometimes you just can't rationalise these feelings.

Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 09:54

I find facetime helps and also the usa is near mexico! I am a sane teacher too

Thanks. This was my thinking too 😊.

Thanks all you have made me feel better.

OP posts:
Migraleve · 14/08/2017 09:56

You don't need to speak to your GP, it's amazing how that's the go to reply when anyone dares to worry about their DC Hmm

OP I understand, I have turned down offers from family for years to have my DC overnight because I KNOW they are just that little bit more lax than me, it's normal to worry. Realistically though, your DD is with her dad and family and will have a great time

Theimpossiblegirl · 14/08/2017 09:58

It is completely normal to feel like this, just don't act on it#
Being in the US is great, you're close enough to get to her- not that you'll need to.
Get her some ear drop in case the infection flares up again from swimming and ask for a text once a day. You can facetime etc. but in fairness, she may be too busy having fun.

LogicalPsycho · 14/08/2017 09:59

Tinkerbec well I must need a GP appointment too, as I'm the same when DC have a holiday with DGP. For 51 weeks of the year I'm also pretty laid back, no problems at home, work, no anxiety or problems with stress etc.

But for the week they're away, I worry about fires, them getting lost, carbon monoxide, terrorism, accidents and illness- but it's just generalised worry I think, it certainly doesn't impede on anyone's life as I do still allow them to have the holiday, and don't let my worries rub off on them.
Grandparents get a call on the first day to make sure the keys are accessible 24hrs, that they have a safe route planned out of the hotel if one is needed, and that there's a Carbon Monoxide monitor too. For my peace of mind they do it to humour me.

I think it's purely down to geographical location, knowing that I'm sat in another country if there if there was a problem, that makes me feel a bit helpless.

Don't worry, you're just as normal as me OPGrin

ludothedog · 14/08/2017 09:59

I would feel anxious about this too. I don't think it is that unusual for you to feel that way. It's that feeling of not being in control and not being able to go and get her should things go wrong.

I guess that you need to acknowledge that your anxiety is a bit OTT and that she will be fine with her loving family.

Flowers it's not easy!

pilates · 14/08/2017 10:02

I wouldn't say you near to see a doctor, just normal feelings for a mother when her child is going away. She will be with her extended family who will look after her well I'm sure. Face time may help?

Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 10:13

Thanks all. You are so right.

Carbon monoxide monitor. Now I never thought of that.
I did think of a watch with a GPS fitted though for a brief second 😀.

I worry about the flight too but then remember Physics lol. Though again these things happen. Then I remember probability.

Logical and ludo you are right it's the location and feeling of being out of control should something happen.

OP posts:
TickledOnion · 14/08/2017 10:21

I feel exactly the same when my DDs go away with their dad. I know he'll take care of them but they go away with his partners DDs so have 4 little kids to look after. I worry about them drowning as they're not yet confident swimmers. Or about them hurting themselves and me not being there to comfort them. He wants to take them for 2 weeks next year and I'm dreading it.

Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 10:26

I can imagine. Though they will have an amazing time with other kids to play with. It's hard to shake the worry.

My Dd is with her 14 and 17 year old sisters and three adults so they will all look after her in a way. I need to remember this.

OP posts:
elevenclips · 14/08/2017 10:32

I don't think you're being overly anxious. You're her mum, you are hard wired to love and protect her. I have a 9yo and I'd feel the same as you. It's one of those situations that you just have to get through - not what you would have chosen but will be ok.

Frankly if you'd send a 9yo off to Mexico with absolutely no worries and not a second thought then I'd think you were under-anxious. Remember this is Mumsnet where people supposedly let their 4yos out to play in the street. Breaking every safeguarding principle ever written Confused

Canoo · 14/08/2017 10:34

I am also a sane logical maths teacher. But I see peril everywhere! I don't think I need to see my GP. I just recognise when I'm doing it and tell myself to be rational.

cardibach · 14/08/2017 10:42

To worry about these things in a vague, back of your mind fashion is normal I think. Your OP suggests you are constantly aware of the worry though, and I'm not sure that is. I speak as a slightly anxious veteran of DD holidaying abroad with her dad (we split when she was a baby).
I'm also jealous of you having two abroad holidays in one year and that's distracting me.

PandorasXbox · 14/08/2017 10:45

Could you talk to your older DC's and ask them to keep an eye on her? Not in an alarming way just a casual " make sure dad watches her in the pool/sea " etc.

She will be fine though and if I'm honest you sound rather anxious about it all. She's 9 not 2 so will have some awareness of keeping safe herself and she's with her dad who loves her and cares about her well being just as much as you do Wink

abbsisspartacus · 14/08/2017 10:48

She has been ill it's natural to be over anxious

Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 10:53

The older girls are not mine. They are her half sisters. My ex SD so to speak. They live 250 miles away but we are still quite close. We have a group text. The younger one has always looked out a lot for my dd.

Cardi don't be jealous it comes at a cost. Currently living with my parents so we can afford it. In view to buy a house next year with boyfriend.

I think my ex step Dad will be over cautious. They are American. His niece died at 2 by wandering out of the house into the pool. Just awful.

You are right she is 9 not two and can swim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbec · 14/08/2017 10:54

she's with her dad who loves her and cares about her well being just as much as you do.

He does but he also falls asleep in the cinema. Likes to drink a lot and fall asleep in the sun. Though his Mother will tell him off.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 14/08/2017 11:02

Your ex step dad? Ex Fil do you mean? Sorry just a bit confused. If so the fact he has lost a niece through drowning (absolutely awful ) will mean that he will be overly cautious where water is concerned and probably in general I would have thought.

Could you talk to your ex to ease your mind? Is he likely to be understanding?

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