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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby at age 38?

53 replies

eviethehamster · 14/08/2017 06:36

Am I? We have 3. We are toying with the idea of 4 for selfish reasons (e.g. It's an even number 🙄, we don't want our 2nd being a "middle child"). I have a history of m/c. I had 1 prior to dd1 and 2 prior to dd2. I conceived and carried ds1 without complication (unplanned). I am terrified of another m/c. I am terrified of pregnancy at 37.
AIBU to even consider this??

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 14/08/2017 06:41

I had no3 at 38 after a m/c and then no 4 at nearly 40, as long as you are in good health then age is but a number.

Genghi · 14/08/2017 06:43

I'm a similar age and having my first. Depends on your health - if you're obese, have medical complications etc.

NancyJoan · 14/08/2017 06:44

If you can afford it, and you are healthy, why not?

An even number is a REALLY weird reason, though!!

ButchyRestingFace · 14/08/2017 06:44

Well, if you're terrified of pregnancy itself at 37 (why?), let alone miscarriage, it may not be a great idea.

Why are you terrified?

Sukitakeitoff · 14/08/2017 06:48

I've got 3 DC and I get what you mean about wanting an even number - but is it wishful thinking that they might play together better and squabble less?

38 is not old to have a baby at all so I wouldn't be put off by age, but only you can decide whether you could cope with another mc.

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

Couldiseriouslybepregnant · 14/08/2017 06:48

I'm 38 and trying for my 4th Grin

Cailleach666 · 14/08/2017 06:53

I had my first at 38. What are you worried about OP?

Swearwolf · 14/08/2017 06:53

I suppose if it was me I'd be thinking about how I'd react if I miscarried. I've also been there and it's horrible, what made me feel better was feeling I could try again - if the worst happened, would it make you want a baby more, and would you feel worse if it didn't work out than you do now?

As for your age, I don't think that's an issue. And you already have 3, so what's one more right? And BTW I'm a middle child and always thought it was the best, I was shocked when I heard about middle child syndrome as I've always liked being the middle one!

Nobody can tell you whether to do it, I think the reasons you've put down for it are pretty flimsy compared to the reasons against, but wanting a baby is often quite irrational I think and you must have a gut feeling that you want to do it.

I'm jealous, if I thought we could afford it I'd absolutely have a third!

silkybear · 14/08/2017 06:53

Yes if you are terrified! Rounding up to an even number isn't really a reason to have a baby Hmm I'm on my second at 34 and I can honestly say I wish I had the energy I had 10 years ago. This pregnancy has been hard. The chances of miscarriage and other issues increases after 35. It means less attention for your other 3. I would err on the side of don't do it unless you are desperately broody and have the time and money to care for another that may have additional needs. I wouldn't do it.

shinyshiner · 14/08/2017 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoctorDonnaNoble · 14/08/2017 06:57

Currently pregnant with number 2 and will be 39 by the time they get here. Go for it!

BikeRunSki · 14/08/2017 07:09

Don't hold too much store in an even number. I'm the 3rd of 4. We naturally fall into a group of 3 (older 3, b, b, g) and a group of 1 (youngest, g). Even though the smallest age gap is between nos. 3 and 4 and we are both girls. As children we quarrelled, as adults we can just about maintain civility for a few hours. Even our parents talk about "Bike and the boys" and "child 4" (but use her actual name!).

Cailleach666 · 14/08/2017 07:16

silkybear I'm on my second at 34 and I can honestly say I wish I had the energy I had 10 years ago.

You feel like this at 34??

Jeez. I am old enough to be your mother and I am full of energy.
I did a 10 mile run with my DD yesterday ( who is still at school).
If you feel like this at such a young age you will be clapped out in your 50s

Figgygal · 14/08/2017 07:17

Not reasonable at 38 no but with 3 already it doesn't seem necessary why another? What happens when you have had 4 what's to stop you wanting a 5th? Can you even afford it? What impact will it have on your current 3?

MaryShelley1818 · 14/08/2017 07:19

I'm having my first at 39...definitely not too old at all.

Original poster
eviethehamster · 14/08/2017 07:25

I'm scared of another mc. I am scared of still birth. I am scared of morning sickness (vomiting phobia). I never felt "done" after 3. I don't feel our family is "complete". Having said that, I am not not content with my current situation. We finally have our third out of nappies and the two younger ones are playing together now (finally). I just don't feel "done". I feel like one more will complete us but I cannot describe why. It's just a feeling. Mixed with fear.

OP posts:
headinthecloud · 14/08/2017 07:26

We had our 3rd when I was 38. I'd love another one but going from 3 to 4 is such a leap forward us even down to not fitting in either of our cars.

stargazer2030 · 14/08/2017 07:30

I had my 4th at 38. No regrets at all. The night feeds were a killer but everything else has been amazing.
One thing I would consider though if this makes sense is who else will have babies around you. Luckily I had a few friends and a close family member to go to toddler group and days out with (different from the group I had with older dc ). I hate doing all that stuff on my own.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 07:31

There is no right or wrong thing here.

Personally i wouldnt. I could not go through another mc or morning sickness. But that me. I was done at 28. Yes i might have a hankering for another. But not enough to attempt another pregnancy.

But thats me, not you. And may not be right for you.

I do always wonder on threads like these where we say 'i feel like my family isnt complete' or 'i dont feel done', how do you know that feeling goes away when you have another?

Crunchymum · 14/08/2017 07:35

I've had 5 miscarriages and am pregnant with DC3 at 37. Will be my last though.

Although unplanned, we had no reservations.

I'm also an emetophobe (terrified of other people being sick as opposed to myself). It's not the best phobia to have with children Blush

Only you can decide if you can overcome all your concerns OP.

Crumbs1 · 14/08/2017 07:37

I had my sixth and final child at 38. It was best thing I ever did. I had a stillborn baby prior to this and my arms just felt completely and constantly empty until we had her. The pregnancy was scary but I don't have any regrets.

Neutrogena · 14/08/2017 08:08

Have counselling, Not another child.

TheWartyOne · 14/08/2017 08:12

It comes across in your OP that you really want a baby and are trying to find reasons to justify it (hence the even number thing).

If you are stable in your life and prepared, it's fine to just want a baby.

Only you yourself can weigh up the pros and cons - if you didn't try would this be something you regret in years to come?

I hope everything turns out fine for you Smile

PollyPerky · 14/08/2017 08:16

You don't sound in the right place to have another child with all those fears.

Your reasons for wanting a 4th seem a bit wishy washy tbh.
It sounds- could be wrong- that you are wanting another child to prolong your role as a full time mum rather than do anything else in your life (work?)
Again, apologies if this is an assumption.

My mum had her 2nd, my younger sibling, at 37. So you are not too old. But I'd question why you want one.

Elephant17 · 14/08/2017 08:31

Today 07:16 Cailleach666

silkybear 'I'm on my second at 34 and I can honestly say I wish I had the energy I had 10 years ago.'

You feel like this at 34??

Jeez. I am old enough to be your mother and I am full of energy.
I did a 10 mile run with my DD yesterday ( who is still at school).
If you feel like this at such a young age you will be clapped out in your 50s

Cailleach666 I think she means energy in relation to child rearing rather than in general.

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