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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mean Girls (and Mom too!) birthday party

39 replies

fountpleasant · 14/08/2017 00:32

A couple of weeks ago, a friend’s 11 y/o daughter ”G” was invited to a b-day party of one of her closest friends, “M.” Five of them were supposed to all go to an Escape The Room event (sort of like a mystery with clues) then go back to the b-day girl’s home for a sleep-over. M’s mom texted G’s family saying plans had changed and it would only be a sleep-over at 7 pm.

On the party evening, M’s mom sent texts saying they were running late as they had been to a ‘small event,’ and that they would pick G up instead of her being dropped off.

G came home looking ashen the next morning. The 4 others spent all night talking about how fun the Escape the Room event had been. G said that M was the one who kept bringing it up (!) and would give an ‘evil look’ over at her to see how she was reacting. One of them let slip that it wasn’t due to a guest limit by the event organizers.
There had been an extra empty spot.

In the morning M arranged for the girl’s to go out in the neighborhood and everyone was assigned a bike or scooter but M made G run behind them. There was no birthday cake/song at the sleepover and M’s mom made the excuse that she had forgotten to serve it but who forgets that at their daughter’s b-day? Can only assume they must have had the cake and song at the event.

G asked M why she had been left out and was told it was because she was ‘too competitive,’ because G had won at LaserBall the last time the girls had gone out together.

Since then G has been suffering from depression and has isolated, not wanting to call or see friends at all.

I’m shocked and, dare I say it, disgusted not just at what the birthday girl did but that the Mom would let her daughter practice such poor sportsmanship and that they would invite one child to the ‘after party’ to be the odd man out.

G’s parents are stunned that M’s Mom didn’t give them a head’s up as they would have come up with an alternate plan (“family movie night” or something ) to keep G home that night so that she would not have to be shamed and hurt like that.

Today M’s mom texted inviting G to go to Velocity Sports with M.
G’s Dad said yes, but G’s Mom doesn’t want her to go because she doesn’t want her child to be exposed to people who have the potential to be cruel without qualm. Is she being unreasonable? She wants her child to be a forgiving person but not a doormat for abusive people and how to protect her child from this girl and her mom?

So sorry this is so long!

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 00:34

You're G's mother, aren't you? Why not just say so?

the qustion is whether G wants to go or not.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/08/2017 00:37

G's mum is right. Once someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them.

MuddlingMackem · 14/08/2017 00:38

G's mom is right. And G should tell M to take a hike. Hmm

fountpleasant · 14/08/2017 00:39

M seems to have some sort of emotional hold over G. Emotional bullying has a way of rewiring a person to accept cruel treatment as they think they are not worth anything better?

OP posts:
rightwhine · 14/08/2017 00:42

G needs to understand that you don't let people treat you like that.

Peaches77 · 14/08/2017 00:43

I'd ask g what she wanted to do if she says no I would tell Ms mom why...poor G girls are so cruel 😩

fountpleasant · 14/08/2017 00:44

Concerned that when there are 4 girls a team in a huddle and one odd man out, that the odd man out will try desperately to ingratiate themselves and become a people pleaser who will do anything to fit in.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 14/08/2017 00:51

Have you spoken to M's mum about what happened at the birthday party and why G was uninvited to the outing? That would be a good place to start. Do the girls only play in a group? Is there a possibility that you could invite one girl over for a play date so it's not so intense?

Only1scoop · 14/08/2017 00:52

M's parents should be ashamed of themselves

emmyrose2000 · 14/08/2017 00:55

Your daughter needs to find some real friends and cut these ones dead. There's no way in hell I'd be letting my child go Velocity, or anywhere else, with these bullies. They've probably only invited her to set her up again and humiliate her.

M and her mother are disgusting bullies. M's mother is a preview of what M herself will be like as an adult.

vikingprincess81 · 14/08/2017 00:59

I'd be sitting G down and explaining these girls aren't acting like friends are supposed to. I'd also be saying no to the activity, especially as M seems to have a hold over G. Parents need to protect their children from things they don't necessarily understand. G won't have the emotional maturity to deal with all this, so mum may need to step in.
If another child/mother had treated my child like that, I'd have told the mum to fuck right off no straight away, and explained exactly why. M's mum is no better than M, and is, in fact worse, as she's supposed to be a grown up.
Forgiveness is all very nice, but when a grown up is playing these horrid games against an 11 yo, the 11yo won't have a chance. Find some new friends who treat G nicely, M isn't worth it.

ChocolateDoll · 14/08/2017 00:59

Jesus hell. M's parents need a velocity ball up the arse.

ChocolateDoll · 14/08/2017 01:01

Is the velocity ball thing for the whole group of girls? Or just G and M?

fountpleasant · 14/08/2017 01:03

Thanks for your kind words. I'll pass them on to the family by giving them a link. I hope they will be encouraged.

G's father spoke to M's parents today. They said they had made a mistake as they had thought the girls would downplay the outing to G at the sleepover. Actually they were right: the guests did, it was the birthday girl who kept bringing it up in conversation accompanied by a sidelong glance and smirk to see how G was responding. Ugh.
They said M 'cried for an hour' to get G disinvited so they didn't want her crying on the day. They said she also cried and cried to get her own little sister disinvited as the sister's are competitive. It seems they managed to be strong in the case of their other daughter as she remained on the invite, ha! If she were my child I wouldn't let her set up a system in the home where she throws these crying tantrums to manipulate me to get her own way.

Usually G and M play as a twosome or with another neighborhood girl who was one of the other guests.

OP posts:
FrLukeDuke · 14/08/2017 01:07

girls are so cruel
I don't agree. These girls may be, but many are not at all.

Beadieeye · 14/08/2017 01:11

Pathetic behaviour from the birthday girl's parents. Just awful.
I hope your (friend's?) daughter isn't too disheartened by this and sees it only as a reflection of her 'friend' and not herself.

fountpleasant · 14/08/2017 01:15

ChocolateDoll, the Velocity outing was just the two girls, G and M.

OP posts:
HappyAxolotl · 14/08/2017 01:31

This invite from M can only mean one of two things. A) She's invited G to bully her at the event. B) She invited G as part of the nice phase, the let's make up and be pals again phase of the bullying. So that next time she turns on G it comes out of the blue again.

Of course there is also C) Another girl has been excluded this time and will find herself in G's position next time they all meet. And C can be played alongside A or B.

(Yes I did grow up in a school full of Ms.)

I'd be doing all I could to help G find new pals. Does she already do some other activity or group that M isn't interested in? Or play for any school teams?

And I'd bet that if G finds new friends and pulls away from the old crowd, that group will soon implode as M bullies the rest of them and they have G as their example of how to be happier out of all that.

I've got to feel a wee bit sorry for M though. With her own parents teaching this is an okay way to behave, what chance has she got?

fountpleasant · 14/08/2017 02:11

Thanks for the community support. At this age G tends to invalidate support from loved ones as she dismisses it as 'of course they would say that, they're my friends and family, they're supposed to say nice things about me."

It's scary how the opinions of peers have so much disproportionate weight, and so the objective comments from strangers here will be great. G's parents have showed her a few of your responses already and she got a good giggle and her eyes brightened. I wonder if it will armor her heart a bit when next she has dealings with M at school or round the neighborhood.

HappyAxolotl, I think it's B. It's such lethal treatment. Warm friendship to reel her back in and then when her heart is tender and open again, bam! Never knowing where you stand can lead to such feelings of anxiety and insecurity in the relationship.

G's parents wish they knew how to find her friends but today so many children are glued to electronics or hyper-busy with extra curricular activities (or at least in the USA, perhaps in the UK there is a nicer quality of life) or moving between divorced parents homes so it's hit or miss that they will be available. Sigh.

Due to infertility issues G is sadly an only child so she craves time with other children and is extra vulnerable it seems. I wonder if M picks up on this vulnerability and enjoys the sense of power it gives her to mess her around.

I'm going to recommend to G's Mom that she comes on Mumsnet to see if there are articles on raising an only child to encourage them. I don't think they can depend on M's household in that whole "it takes a village to raise a child" thing.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 14/08/2017 02:32

Id tell the whole bunch of them to fuck off. Poor G.

Cavender · 14/08/2017 02:43

That's truly appalling behaviour.

My child would never, ever, be spending time with that family again and I'd tell them why.

I'm British living in the USA. Why not get her into a sports team, band, Girl Scouts or a church group (if they are religious) to help find more friends.

If my DD friend for an hour to uninvite a friend on the basis that she would win I'd cancel the whole party.

Apart from which it's a blooming team activity! Competitiveness wouldn't matter.

AngelsOnHigh · 14/08/2017 03:10

These girls are 11?. I'm starting to understand my Mum when she comes out with her quote of Ï don't know what this world is coming to"".

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/08/2017 03:17

I think that's absolutely disgusting and I would be devastated if I were G's mother. And I'd have been on the phone to M's mother to tell her exactly how shit she'd made my daughter feel and how appalled I was that an adult (or pair, as father seems to be involved to) could be so dreadfully spiteful towards a little girl. Who the hell dis-invites a child from a party anyway?

I'd let them know I felt that their own parenting skills were lacking by allowing their daughter M to behave in a cruel and unpleasant manner towards a supposed friend and state that under no circumstances would my daughter be mixing with them again. As M had 'cried for an hour' to get her own way in being allowed to be nastily unkind towards G then she would clearly not be worried that G would not be having any more to do with her after that little display.

missmollyhadadolly · 14/08/2017 03:27

So is G going to Velocity ball?

Catinthecorner · 14/08/2017 10:19

If I'm G's mom I would:

Call M's mom and ask what M is doing for the rest of the summer.

Book up summer camps/activities for G carefully ensuring no crossover with M

Consider contacting the girls who behaved appropriately at this event and invite them over for movie night or similar (assuming G liked them)

I'd also look at extra curricular activities for when the term begins. Things G enjoys, that build confidence and friendships