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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to my husband?

33 replies

Worriedwifehelp · 13/08/2017 21:57

I'm so worried and don't know what to do. My husband has just raged at me shouting that he hates his life because of me. He said I don't support him or help him and I just cause him problems and stress. I try my best to be supportive of his mental health but he complains that I don't give him enough attention. We have two children aged 10 months and 2 years, run a business together and I do most of the running of the house (because I'm based from home) so I don't have a lot of spare time myself. He complains that things have changed since we had the kids and will often ask me to imagine what our life would have been like without them which upsets me. He lost his uncle who he was very close to, following a long illness, just before our first child was born. This was really hard for him and he took anti depressants for a while in the year after this. His auntie has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and this is really tough for us all as a family but especially him. He says that I am too hard in my ways of dealing with him and that I'm not emotional enough. He criticises me for thinking of the children too much. He also has said tonight that he isn't happy that I do crafts or ironing of an evening as he wants me to sit on the couch and watch TV with him - I do the other things in the same room as him so we can speak but he doesn't want to speak just sit and watch TV. Tonight he has told me that he sometimes feels like killing himself. He has said that I absolutely can't tell anyone about his 'weak moments and feelings' his words not mine. He says I manipulated him into having kids - I absolutely didn't and with our first we were actively trying for over six months so it's not as if it was a quick thing or a surprise. He has a pattern where he gets down and unleashes like this and then will apologise a few days later. Sometime there are months between outbursts but this time there has been less than two weeks. I don't know what to do. Should I try to make him go back to the doctors? I am so worried I feel sick,

OP posts:

NorthumbrianGirl · 13/08/2017 22:05

He is obviously struggling, but you don't have to accept being his verbal punch bag.

I would encourage him to seek help, but you cannot do it for him. You can be clear that if he continues to verbally abuse you he will lose you. And be clear that if he doesn't want your children then he can get out.

You sound like you are doing a heroic job holding everything together!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2017 22:17

I feel just awful for you. If it were me, I would tell him he has to get professional help and stop the verbal abuse or get the fuck out. You are not the reason for his unhappiness and his attitude towards his own children is absolutely appalling and inexcusable. He may have mental health issues but he sounds like a spoilt, miserable child. DO NOT TOLERATE THIS.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 13/08/2017 22:21

If he hates it so much, tell him he knows where the door is. Not very helpful sorry. But you do not have to tolerate it. Why would you? Ultimatum time. Ship up or ship out.

peekyboo · 13/08/2017 22:24

He doesn't want you to tell others about his weak moments because he wants to be able to behave badly when he feels like it without anyone else knowing.

You hold it all together, work with him, look after the kids, the house and so on and all you seem to want is a bit of crafting in the evening. He resents how well you manage and even resents you being able to do what you enjoy.

It has to be your fault though, not his, and once you've suffered enough he'll 'apologise', letting things settle down but leaving you worried and waiting for the next time.

Original poster

Worriedwifehelp · 13/08/2017 22:30

We have just argued again because I asked him what he wants me to do differently to help him and he said he doesn't know. I asked how can I know if he doesn't know and he flew off the handle again. I'm going to bed now. I'll speak to him tomorrow about getting help and if is still like this I think I will leave with the kids. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really did think I was being horrible or doing something wrong.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2017 22:32

He sounds like a cock. Who says that about their children?! Youd be better off emotionally leaving.

ticketytock1 · 13/08/2017 22:35

Op my DH would have had outbursts like this every few months.. not as extreme as yours but similar patterns.. turned out he was very depressed. He is still on AD's 4 years on. We try every 6 months or so to wean off them but so far it hasn't worked. He is fantastic with the ad's but if he forgets them or takes them sporadically for whatever reason, things can turn sour easily.
I suggest you consider further treatment for depression with him.
I can totally feel your frustration.. been there so many times x

peekyboo · 13/08/2017 22:38

It reminds me so much of how things were when I was a young wife and mother. I also was told not to confide in anyone and only one friend had any idea how many times I had to cover for explosive behaviour. I so wish I had mumsnet then, to tell me it wasn't my fault.
OP take care of yourself and your gorgeous little ones, you don't have yo take responsibility for his moods. And do confide in someone in real life too.

dataandspot · 13/08/2017 22:45

Wanting you to imagine life without your children scares me.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2017 22:50

You need to leave. And he needs to get help.

shreddtees · 13/08/2017 23:03

Op I can relate to your thread almost word from word for a moment I thought i was reading something I had posted. My dh suffers from schizophrenia and has moments exactly like you have explained. I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I'm afraid I have no advice it's a very tough situation as he is obviously ill so you feel he needs your support but at the same time you need to think what's best for you and your little children. Sorry I'm not much help but I wish you all the best.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/08/2017 23:04

I honestly admire people who can cope being in a relationship with someone with untreated MH issues. i think, in your situation, I'd give it a time frame, say 6 months and if he's not on a much more even keel by then I'd have to leave. I would tell him that we need to see his GP as an emergency this week.

Original poster

Worriedwifehelp · 14/08/2017 08:21

He has agreed to see our GP today but couldn't face calling himself. I managed to get him an appointment this morning but I've got nobody to have the kids while we go so he is going to have to go on his own. Should I write a note to the GP for him to take with him or try to speak to them before his appointment? Ideally I would go with him but our daughter is very aware of what is going on around her and I don't think being at the appointment would be good for her.

OP posts:

Imamouseduh · 14/08/2017 08:24

It sounds like he is struggling badly. Is he in therapy?

Iluvthe80s · 14/08/2017 08:27

I would call the GP so they get the full picture and understand the gravity of the situation.

ticketytock1 · 14/08/2017 08:42

Is there a play area in the surgery? Could she bring an iPad with headphones? I think it's really important that the gp hears your side also x

Original poster

Worriedwifehelp · 14/08/2017 08:43

@mouse
No he isn't. I have tried to get him to go to some form of counselling for the last two years but he has refused. He said last night that he thinks we need marriage counselling but I think he needs his own therapy first? I'm going to call the GP again now.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 14/08/2017 08:58

Honestly I think I would leave too and tell him he needs to sort himself out.

ofudginghell · 14/08/2017 09:17

You are not responsible for him op.
He's a grown adult and is responsible for himself and seeking help when needed,like right now.
He must understand behaving towards you like this is NOT normal or fair to you.

He needs to acknowledge that he must seek help and not use it as an excuse to verbally abuse you when he's in a bad place.
I've got to be honest if my dh said those things about my dc I would find it very very hard to tolerate as if he's got to that stage he's obviously felt not good for some time and should have seemed help before now.
He needs his own therapy op and by him saying the things he's saying to you he's trying to make allowances for his behaviour.
There are none to be made.

Fingers crossed the gp will pick up on the situation straight away and start a process to help you all.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 14/08/2017 09:48

Depressed or not, you do not want a man jealous of your children in the same house as them, especially if he does not want to get treatment.

BlondeB83 · 14/08/2017 09:55

Your husband sounds depressed and you need to try and support him. Encourage him to go and see a doctor, hopefully he will let you go with him.

TwitterQueen1 · 14/08/2017 10:00

This is NOT your fault OP. You cannot make him better, only he can do that with help from the medical profession and support from you. You don't have to stay with him.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/08/2017 10:32

He is depressed, it is not something than you do or don't do. His feelings are his responsibility but you can help him get help.

peekyboo · 14/08/2017 10:50

Agreeing to marriage therapy means he still gets to blame another person or situation for how he behaves, whereas counselling just for him would mean he'd have to admit he, personally, needed counselling.

Sorry OP but him suggesting marriage counselling is another way of shifting blame.

If you don't get to speak to the Dr before the appt please try after as there's no way your husband will be giving them the full story on how he behaves at home.

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 14/08/2017 10:55

I know everybody deals with things differently, but I have been horrifically depressed over the years (bipolar) and I have never once shouted at my husband or kids. If anything I felt that they would be better off without me, rather than wishing them away.

My point is, MH issues don't necessarily make you behave like an arsehole. He's choosing to take it out on you and the kids.

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