AIBU to my husband?

[Worriedwifehelp]

I'm so worried and don't know what to do. My husband has just raged at me shouting that he hates his life because of me. He said I don't support him or help him and I just cause him problems and stress. I try my best to be supportive of his mental health but he complains that I don't give him enough attention. We have two children aged 10 months and 2 years, run a business together and I do most of the running of the house (because I'm based from home) so I don't have a lot of spare time myself. He complains that things have changed since we had the kids and will often ask me to imagine what our life would have been like without them which upsets me. He lost his uncle who he was very close to, following a long illness, just before our first child was born. This was really hard for him and he took anti depressants for a while in the year after this. His auntie has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and this is really tough for us all as a family but especially him. He says that I am too hard in my ways of dealing with him and that I'm not emotional enough. He criticises me for thinking of the children too much. He also has said tonight that he isn't happy that I do crafts or ironing of an evening as he wants me to sit on the couch and watch TV with him - I do the other things in the same room as him so we can speak but he doesn't want to speak just sit and watch TV. Tonight he has told me that he sometimes feels like killing himself. He has said that I absolutely can't tell anyone about his 'weak moments and feelings' his words not mine. He says I manipulated him into having kids - I absolutely didn't and with our first we were actively trying for over six months so it's not as if it was a quick thing or a surprise. He has a pattern where he gets down and unleashes like this and then will apologise a few days later. Sometime there are months between outbursts but this time there has been less than two weeks. I don't know what to do. Should I try to make him go back to the doctors? I am so worried I feel sick,

I agree with Norma. Him blaming his behaviour in being depressed is bullshit. He is a horribly abusive asshole. No excuse justifies his behaviour.

Thanks for your replies and support, it has been such a help to me.
He called his Mum and she looked after DCs so I could go with him. The GP was great and has prescribed antidepressants (different ones to last time) and has referred him for talking therapy. It hasn't been an easy day, he almost didn't go into the surgery so I was glad I had gone with him to encourage him to go in. Can anyone who has been through this with a partner with mental health issues/depression tell me anything you did to help/support them please? I am quite a practical person and always look for a solution to a problem but my husband says I'm too hard and don't help him.

For a start I think it would help you to have some therapy just for yourself. It's never easy being blamed for everything, it becomes second nature to also blame yourself. I know you want to do your best to help him, and for your whole family, but you also need to take care of yourself and recognise the problem is him, not you.
Be sympathetic to his problems, love him, support him if you can, but put yourself and the children first from now on. And don't believe him when he blames you.

Just because He went to this appointment shouldn't mean that all is forgiven. I know you want to "help" him, but you CAN NOT help him. You are not a doctor, you are not a therapist, and you are not meds. The only person who can help your husband is himself. Having depression does not give him permission to be so horrible to you. He is fucking gaslighting you with all of this "you don't help me" bullshit. He acts like an asshole then turns it around to make it seem like it's your fault! Stop with the "helping him" nonsense already.

You don't have to stay with him if it's too much to handle.

I will say this though. I'm your husband, everything you describe is me I've been there and said it. I even said the part about imagining life without our two kids.

We had a really hard year and it affected me badly. I'm getting better (anti depressants and anxiety meds didn't help) I've had to learn to cope but only with the extreme support of my partner, he has done so much (even if he has called me awful names just I have in an argument) for me and took on a huge majority with the kids and allowed me to recover. Not everyone is in the position to do what he did and it seems you do the bulk anyway.

Being firm helped with me. My partner told me straight how I was being and how hard it was that helped open my eyes. I still have bad days and flare ups every few months I have an awful time of it and can't stop feeling angry etc.

There is no need to put up with being shouted at though, and honestly through talking (which my partners hates but slightly came round to) we have come so far.

You can leave him or you can help him. You shouldn't feel bad about either decision. I don't know if I would cope if my partner was the depressed one and I know what it's like from the other side.

Of course he's suggesting marriage counselling over individual counselling, he obviously sees marriage counselling as an opportunity to rage against you with a potential ally.

As long as you are available to hear his crap at any opportunity, he will take advantage.

My dh has bipolar and these are my suggestions.
He needs to take responsibility for getting all help himself. If he doesnt buy into it he will not stay with the meds.
You need to look after yourself. I has counselling on my own. I joined a gym met my friends for coffee etc. Your own life is important for you your children and also your dh.
When he rants and rages do not engage. Its like not engaging with a drunk. He is taking his own stuff out on you . Its that old saying.
You didnt cause this
You cant cure it
You cant control it.. ( something like that)
Finally you dont have to live with this. Ultimately you can only do what you are able to do. I chose to stay with my dh as he sticks closely to programme..meds..exercise..group work..doctors visits. All of this decided by himself. But originally he fought against doing those things and l was prepared to leave. I have also met with doctors and together with them agreed to the plan for dhs ongoing treatment.

Do not spend energy chasing your dh to get treatment. He knows himself.
I hope the meds work.

Thanks again for your comments an support. He made some progress yesterday I think in that he decided to tell his parents about how he is feeling and that he has been to the doctors. So now there are two people we can talk to in RL which I think will help. I'm pleased that he has told them because he has never done this before. I'm under no illusion that it will be a long road to recovery and I have taken on board your comments about me not being a verbal punching bag. I have told him that next time he has an outburst he will have to leave and go to his Mum's which he can do now because she knows about it and she has also said the same. He agreed to this. He completed the self referral form for the therapist yesterday so we are just waiting to hear back from them.