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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my H needs to step up to being a dad rather than blaming my parents

41 replies

Storminateacup74 · 13/08/2017 21:29

Quick backstory is my son has ASD and can be quite hard work but being his mum i have learnt how to deal with it. Hubby finds him really hard work but cannot even be bothered to try so we never do anything as a family, we also have an 11 yr old who is desperate for some attention from her dad. He just believes she is in his face all the time. Anyway he blames my parents. Why?? Because they should offer to have the kids for a week to give us a break. AIBU to think HE is the children's dad so he should be the one who parents with me not their grandparents!, I had an absolutely fantastic childhood and my parents did so much for me and my brother but as my mum told me when I was 18 they wouldnt be hands on grandparents as for 20 yrs they had brought us up and now was there time. I actually agree they did a wonderful job with us now let them do what they want. Every summer holidays my dh spent 2 weeks with one set of Grandparents and another week with his other nan. My parents need to help more to give us a break. HIM a break. He does nothing with the kids anyway!! Surely it is his job to parent his own children not his in laws,!! AIBU!!

OP posts:

Genghi · 13/08/2017 21:35

Have you ever had a week off together? It sounds like both of you are struggling to cope - a week's holiday might be a good thing

Butterymuffin · 13/08/2017 21:37

Yes it's his job. Has he always been a lazy parent?

Twitchingdog · 13/08/2017 21:38

What about his parents.

And really he parenting like his parents ie trying to get shot of his kids as often as possible.

chipscheeseandgravy · 13/08/2017 21:40

Whilst yes, he does need to be a Dad to your kids, it sounds like your kids are missing out on what could be a fantastic relationship with their grandparents.
He may be right that a weeks break would be needed for you both. I'm sure a 4/5 days with your parents isn't going to harm their freedom, but will allow your parents to build a valuable relationship with their grandkids.
Some of my happiest childhood memories are times I spent with my grandparents.

underneaththeash · 13/08/2017 21:43

Can't he ask his own parents if he feels so strongly about it?

Original poster

Storminateacup74 · 13/08/2017 21:48

His mum is in poor health and only has a tiny flat so it isn't practical. I just feel he needs to work on his relationship with his kids first but he refuses as they nag him too much.

OP posts:

NewJourney · 13/08/2017 21:50

Perhaps it is less a case of can't be bothered and more he feels useless and knows you are good with the kids? Still a cop out but it is somewhere to build on if it is the case.

I think time away would be good for you both. If you can reconnect as a couple it can make parenting so much easier!

SolomanDaisy · 13/08/2017 21:51

Yes, of course he needs to step up. He sounds pathetic. I'd be a bit disappointed in your parents too if I were you. It's all very well saying that in theory when you were 18, but now you're struggling with an autistic child and a useless husband, most nice parents would offer some sort of help.

Ropsleybunny · 13/08/2017 22:12

It's not easy looking after kids when you're past your prime and you aren't used to it.

Your DH needs to grow up and look after the children he fathered.

mogulfield · 13/08/2017 22:15

I agree with others, it would be nice of your parents to show an interest. Surely they love their grandchildren and want to spend time with them?
My fondest memories from my childhood are with my grandparents.

EMSMUM16 · 13/08/2017 22:15

Oh dear, sorry but he sounds like he has no idea about being in the role of a parent. Was he spoilt as a child / did he have no real relationship with his dad?
It just sounds like you need to sit down with him & have a really honest conversation. Non accusatory honesty, so explain how you feel about things, what support you & the children need, how hard you are finding things. See what comes back.
If he is still unwilling to try to have a role, or to listen then you have to then decide what you need to do next.

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/08/2017 22:21

I think you husband could do more with your children - especially your daughter who is obviously crying out for attention from her Dad- and he needs to seep up to the plate before he starts critisizing other's for not looking after HIS children. It's very selfish of him, but in my experience men ARE really selfish so we need to be clever and manipulate them into doing what we want. I also think your husband has a point re your parents. Yes, they did their duty by you and your brother and yes, this is their time but would it really kill them to have your kids for a long weekend if they are healthy enough to do this?? They are your children's grandparents and they have so much they could teach your kids and share with them. And, since they ( presumably) really love you then they should want to help you out a bit. So, if you could get your parents todo this say twice a year thenyoucan go to husband and tell him that you have done this for him and now he needs to do something for you. And he can start by taking his daughter out somewhere, just the two of them. He really needs to give his kids some time. They obviously nag him because they want to be with him. Offer him some hot sex on your weekends without the kids as ' carrot and stick'!!!!!

EMSMUM16 · 13/08/2017 22:23

....also... I have a grandparent, my daughter has 2 young children -she's only 19 & they are 1 & 3 years, I have to echo the views of some of the other posters, maybe its time you explain to them as well how things are & how you would appreciate their help with them, it is only for a short time really. I know this is from my perspective, but I wouldn't dream of seeing my daughter struggle. & although I don't necessarily have the same energy as I did when I was 25 I still have lots to offer at 50. Even though I might miss out on other things it doesn't match missing any time with my lovely (if energetic) grandchildren.

EMSMUM16 · 13/08/2017 22:25

I mean I am a grandparent!...

mogulfield · 13/08/2017 22:47

emsmum16 what a lovely post, I wish my parents were like you. They've never bothered to meet my 3 year old. Your daughter is very lucky.

Categoric · 13/08/2017 23:21

Yuk. Why should OP have to ask her parents to have the children and offer hot sex for her DH to parent his own children...

GreenTulips · 13/08/2017 23:27

The kids are nagging because he doesn't want to play with them or take them out - they make him feel like a crap parent because he is one!!

Tell him your going away for a week and he's in charge!

Mittens1969 · 14/08/2017 00:55

There's 2 separate issues here, OP's DH and his unwillingness to parent his DCs and OP's parents, who must surely want to help their DD at a difficult point in her marriage.

Yes, ultimately it's her DH's responsibility to parent his children but she needs space to confront him and it will be easier to do that without the DCs around. It's also good for the DCs to spend time with their grandparents.

Oswin · 14/08/2017 01:00

Offer him sex in return for actually parenting his child.

Do you love him? I don't think I could. It's very unattractive to be a shit whiney parent.

Ava7Susan · 14/08/2017 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

muchomo · 14/08/2017 01:06

This is the second time I have seen you promote Dr. * , saw you do this on someone else's thread. Are you running a business and trying to promote it? People can here for advice and support not to have things sold to them in this way.

muchomo · 14/08/2017 01:07

Sorry my last post was directed at Ava7Susan

SerfTerf · 14/08/2017 01:08

DirtyChaiLatte · 14/08/2017 01:53

He sounds like a lazy, selfish man-child who can't be bothered to engage with or create a relationship with his own children.

He'd need to have a tonne of other redeeming qualities to make up for such a huge character failing.

How can anyone have respect or love for a man who has no interest in his own children?

Original poster

Storminateacup74 · 14/08/2017 09:01

My parents do their bit. They live 20 miles away so hard for them to do babysits here and there but they will have them for the day every couple of months they have had them for sleepovers when we need them too but they aren't keen as they are quite hard work. They are very fit but also busy gallavanting here there and everywhere so they are rarely free. In an ideal world I would love them to be more hands on but it is their choice and their time is very precious to them. They will help out but are reluctant to look after them as a substitute for their dad as they think he should step up and be first port of call for childcare. We had a pretty big discussion last night which erupted into.a full blown row. He really hates my parents he feels they should also contribute financially to their activities. He blames them for all our problems!!

OP posts:

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