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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my H needs to step up to being a dad rather than blaming my parents

41 replies

Storminateacup74 · 13/08/2017 21:29

Quick backstory is my son has ASD and can be quite hard work but being his mum i have learnt how to deal with it. Hubby finds him really hard work but cannot even be bothered to try so we never do anything as a family, we also have an 11 yr old who is desperate for some attention from her dad. He just believes she is in his face all the time. Anyway he blames my parents. Why?? Because they should offer to have the kids for a week to give us a break. AIBU to think HE is the children's dad so he should be the one who parents with me not their grandparents!, I had an absolutely fantastic childhood and my parents did so much for me and my brother but as my mum told me when I was 18 they wouldnt be hands on grandparents as for 20 yrs they had brought us up and now was there time. I actually agree they did a wonderful job with us now let them do what they want. Every summer holidays my dh spent 2 weeks with one set of Grandparents and another week with his other nan. My parents need to help more to give us a break. HIM a break. He does nothing with the kids anyway!! Surely it is his job to parent his own children not his in laws,!! AIBU!!

OP posts:

PickleInAPickle · 14/08/2017 09:27

I agree with Mogulfield: what a lovely post from Emsmum. I also wish my parents were like you!

Nobody can force grandparents to help, and sadly many don't want to and our quite happy to watch their children struggle. On the rare occasions we see my parents they make more demands on us rather than trying to help in any way with DC.

pinkiepie1 · 14/08/2017 09:36

What was your dh relationship like with his father?
Is it that he doesn't know how to be a god dad?
But it shouldn't be upto your parents to do his half of parenting

PickleInAPickle · 14/08/2017 09:48

*are

Goodness I am tired today!

aSleepyPrincess · 14/08/2017 10:52

I can't believe how many people feel entitled to help from Grandparents. If you have children I don't think you do so to foist them off for a week with someone else, to be honest when I am a grandparent I will babysit for the odd night here and there but I won't be taking them for weeks at a time.
My parents have never had my children over night and that is their right. They would not take kindly to my husband whinging and whining for a break at their expense.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 14/08/2017 11:00

they have them for the day every couple of months

It sounds like they're doing fine. My inlaws and Dad babysit for us maybe two or three times a year and never a whole day.

Yanbu. Your DH sounds a bit (MN favourite word) entitled.

Naicehamshop · 14/08/2017 11:09

I can't believe that posters on here are criticising the op's parents for not doing more, rather than concentrating on her lazy and selfish dh who can't be arsed to look after his own children!!

Talk about excusing men from actually behaving like adults in their relationships.

Naicehamshop · 14/08/2017 11:11

He's also expecting your dips to contribute financially??! What the fuck is he on?

ineedaholidaynow · 14/08/2017 11:19

If your DH can't cope with your DS why does he think your parents can?

Has he ever had to look after the children for a week on his own without you being around?

Why does he blame your parents for your problems and why does he think they should be paying for things?

Sorry, so many questions!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/08/2017 11:23

He is being ridiculous.
Do you think hebis lazy or genuinely struggling to parent?
ASD is genetic, it is a long shot but he could also be neurodiverse and undiagnosed but struggling to cope with the organisational and social skills to parent. If it is the case, he still needs to step up but it could perhaps be useful to find a routine that works.

Urubu · 14/08/2017 13:06

I wouldn't criticize your parents! Yes it would be nice if they had the DC but only if they feel comfortable doing so. They don't owe you anything in regards to childcare.
My PIL told me that they wouldn't have my 3yo DT as it was too much work, yes it is annoying as they have their other GC over (same age but just one child), but I would never argue the point.
Couldn't you hire a nanny to look after the DC in your home while you go away for a couple of days?

DirtyChaiLatte · 14/08/2017 17:54

The grandparents issue is maybe a secondary issue, and in my eyes isn't an issue at all. They are not the parents and why should it be their responsibility to parent other people's children?

The BIG issue is OP's husband.

mygorgeousmilo · 14/08/2017 18:00

Neither sets of GPs are interested in ours, including our son with autism. No excuse for being a shitty and lazy parent. Your DH is being pathetic. Not making and effort with the kids would be a del breaker for me. He will fuck up thwir self esteem. As pp have said though, yes they have brought you up, but would be nice for your children to have that relationship with them. They don't have to raise them, just do GP stuff that they themselves will probably find that they really enjoy.

mygorgeousmilo · 14/08/2017 18:01

Deal breaker not del breaker

EggysMom · 14/08/2017 18:05

Have you ever had a week off together? It sounds like both of you are struggling to cope - a week's holiday might be a good thing

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
We have an 8yo autistic son. We've never even had a full day off together, let alone a week. The longest we get is the eight hours when he's at school, if I can get the time off work.

OP YANBU. He shouldn't be looking to the grandparents to give you a break, whether or not he is pulling his weight. The two are separate issues.

Ohyesiam · 14/08/2017 19:07

Have you explained to him what sort of relationships your daughter will have with men when she is a women, as a result of craving his attention? She will put up with any sort of abuse, to get a little bit of attention. Her self esteem will be really low, and she will believe she isn't Worth any better.

OhhBetty · 14/08/2017 19:20

I don't know anyone who has had a week off with their partner for a week once they have children! Being brutally honest op I'd tell him things need to change or the relationship has to end. I could not be with or love a person who I didn't respect. And I couldn't respect a bad parent, which is what he is I'm afraid. He's too lazy to even play with his own kids. What a cunt.

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