To cancel Doula?

[Chloris33]

This is my 2nd birth. Found 1st one quite traumatic, and I have been through a major bereavement recently in this pregnancy which left me feeling in need of extra support around the birth of this child. So, I decided hiring a doula could be positive for us, even though we are not rich and the expense is really big for us. I found someone (who is also a retired midwife) whom several mums I know have raved about, telling me I'm lucky to have her.

But... she has cancelled on me twice now for our antenatal meeting. I'm yet to have the two antenatal meetings she offers as part of her (mega expensive) package, and I am now only a week away from my due date. She just cancelled the (rearranged) meeting again today. She emailed (not phoned) to cancel and say it's unavoidable, not giving a reason why she is cancelling again. I understand that sometimes there are unavoidable cancellations but the fact that it has happened twice is making me feel uneasy, particularly as I hired her to help me feel a bit more supported/secure at this time. So I'm torn as to whether to go ahead with her, or just to call it quits. Thoughts?

I'd sack her. And get a refund if you've already paid. She's a flake.

Is there another doula you could use?
I would at a minimum put your concerns to her in a return email to start a paper trail for a refund.
Last thing you need is the uncertainty.

I haven't paid, or signed any contract yet...

I think at this stage it's too late for another doula. But I'm considering whether I'd rather just not have one than pay loads for one I don't feel is dependable...

Cancel her. Have you got any friends who have children?

In that case definitely cancel her.

You'll be more stressed that she won't make it in time. Have you got a close friend who could come with you and your partner?

If it helps I had a terrible first birth but the second was so much better, an altogether much more positive experience and far less traumatic.

You're going to feel stressed wondering all thetime if she is going to turn up when you need her, and probably stress about the money spent when its not really helping.
Personally I would keep the money and spend some on things to ease other burdens afterwards and/or little treats for yourself.

Isn't the idea of a doula that you've built a relationship with her so that you're comfortable enough to involve her in your birth?

You're a week away from your due date, meaning you could go into labour at any minute, yet you're supposed to have had 2 antenatal meetings?

Of course you should sack her. She sounds unreliable and I'd be so disappointed in her.

Good luck with everything 💐

She sounds completely unreliable. Have you had any meetings with her yet at all?

I think you would be right to cancel. You don't need extra stress at this stage.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Sounds like you've been having a hard time emotionally and this Doula's not much of a help. Thing is if she's messing you around at this late stage and if you can't rely on her now with fixed times and dates for appointments how are you going to rely on her to turn up with little to no notice when you go into labour? I'd be totally stressed out by this and just call it quits. Do you have a close relative or friend who can be with you and support you through labour?

Email her back and cancel. She's broken the trust already. You be will constantly worried that she won't turn up.

I presume she's been called to another birth?

She's behaving like an old style MW, who wondered why Women were making such a fuss about something Women did every day. She isn't going to be any use to you, you don't know her and can't trust her.

Just get rid, she hasn't fulfilled her side of the contract and is causing you stress.

At a week to go your stress reliever has become your source of stress and you have to pay her money for that privilege, fuck that

Have you even met this woman yet? Otherwise, she could just be a strange woman turning up at your birth and then you have to pay for the privilege? I would cancel now!

Oh sweetheart, this is so pants.

Maybe put an appeal out for another doula amongst chums who've had babies/FB/here/or even NETMUMS!!!

I think there is a chance that if you get a name in the next 24 hrs and check her references then this could work x

I'd tell her you're no longer interested in her services given her cancelling so close to due date, that it's highly unprofessional and has left you feeling anxious and stressed which is the last thing you need so close to having your baby

I think at this late stage you won't be able to build the emotional connection you need so it would be a complete waste of time.

I had a horrific time with my first and 2 beautiful births after.

If you feel you still need somebody as extra support I'd ask a good friend.

I forgot to say as well you need to ditch this woman who keeps letting you down. Unacceptable.

At a week to go your stress reliever has become your source of stress and you have to pay her money for that privilege, fuck that

This

Yes, sack her, for reasons explained by previous posters.

Good luck with the birth and, if you can, ask a trusted friend for help, even if they're not a "professional". Just a kind, reliable person.

When was that first meeting due to take place? Did she suggest a day/date to re-schedule?

As, stayathome suggests I would email straight back, saying something like

"Dear Doula. Thank you for your email. I am concerned as this is the second time you have cancelled our scheduled first antenatal meeting. Concerned as we now potentially have less than a week to reschedule two antenatal meetings, and especially concerned because these cancellations are affecting my confidence in your ability to deliver the service that I have booked. As you are aware, following the birth of my first child, I have a particular need to feel supported and secure at this time and, unfortunately, these cancellations are not making me feel that way. Can you please email me back today advising upon how you can put this matter right, in order for us to proceed. I look forward to hearing from you. Chloris"

If she can totally reassure you then ... fine ... hopefully she can still supply what you need. If she can't reassure you at this stage, then I really don't think she is the person to make you feel supported and secure ... you'd probably be better off involving a gutsy friend who can at least speak out for you.

It sounds like you need to forget about her. Have you done any hypnobirthing? It's never too late to listen to some relaxing hypnobirthing CDs/mp3s, even if you only listen once or twice before the birth, it could help you trust your own instincts rather than feeling like you need an "expert" like a doula to help you. It helped me feel more positive and empowered, and also gave me some good coping techniques for the labour. My first birth was pretty traumatic but my second one I had a home birth and I would say the hypnobirthing tracks helped me quite a bit, even though I'm not usually an airy fairy hippie type

No, she doesn't need an answer back about how the doula would improve. She needs to get rid. The doula is giving her additional stress and at a high cost - that's just ridiculous.

My job is completely different but I do have clients. I had a new client recommended to me who I had to let down twice due to a miscarriage (missed miscarriage, in and out of hospital as medical management was unsuccessful twice) I didn't want to tell her why I'd let her down but she was very understanding and is a lovely customer of mine now. I appreciate your anxious but at least cut her some slack until you know if her cancellation reasons are genuine.