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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel Doula?

65 replies

Chloris33 · 13/08/2017 14:07

This is my 2nd birth. Found 1st one quite traumatic, and I have been through a major bereavement recently in this pregnancy which left me feeling in need of extra support around the birth of this child. So, I decided hiring a doula could be positive for us, even though we are not rich and the expense is really big for us. I found someone (who is also a retired midwife) whom several mums I know have raved about, telling me I'm lucky to have her.

But... she has cancelled on me twice now for our antenatal meeting. I'm yet to have the two antenatal meetings she offers as part of her (mega expensive) package, and I am now only a week away from my due date. She just cancelled the (rearranged) meeting again today. She emailed (not phoned) to cancel and say it's unavoidable, not giving a reason why she is cancelling again. I understand that sometimes there are unavoidable cancellations but the fact that it has happened twice is making me feel uneasy, particularly as I hired her to help me feel a bit more supported/secure at this time. So I'm torn as to whether to go ahead with her, or just to call it quits. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloris33 · 13/08/2017 14:39

Thanks for the replies. I did meet her for the initial consultation she offers free before clients decide whether to go ahead or not. I found that meeting quite helpful as we talked quite a bit about the first birth. But, yeah, it's really not great that we haven't been able to have the actual antenatal meetings that are part of the package yet. I did enquire quite late on (maybe 3 weeks ago), which didn't leave a whole lot of time, but she took it on on the basis that she could fit in 2 antenatal meetings with us (plus the free consultation)...

OP posts:
Oddish · 13/08/2017 14:40

Get rid, lean on your pretend if that's possible. Can you have a home birth?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 13/08/2017 14:42

Definitely sack her. Maybe think of ways you can spend the money in other ways to help post birth - a few hours cleaning, sine nice baby things....wine?

Original poster
Chloris33 · 13/08/2017 14:43

KoolKoala07 Yes, I appreciate what you are saying, and am very sorry for your loss. I also had to cancel two client appointments in my job (also a caring role) due to my bereavement a few months ago, so yes, I know it's unavoidable sometimes. But this doula did give a reason for her first cancellation, which was that her adult daughter whom she doesn't get to see very often was making an impromptu visit... Which is not iMO 'unavoidable'. I don't know about today's reason.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2017 14:49

When someone is offering a service such as this I think last minute cancellations should be explained.

We looked into having a private midwife. She charged me £50 to meet me and the full fee even though I was only nine weeks off giving birth, turned my baby without telling me she was doing so or asking if I was okay with it. A few days later she informed my DH she was away for the last 2-3 weeks and she'd send someone else if I went into labour!

We cancelled her.

She's often in the television as a "celebrity-in-her-head" midwife but she nearly caused the death of my child.

Cancel the doula. There's no excuse really.

Callamia · 13/08/2017 14:52

It sounds like she's just not able to commit to doing a good job for you right now. No matter how good she's been for others, this isn't going to work for you.

You might contact your hospital about whether there's some extra support you might seek - a student midwife or similar? I'm sorry that this hasn't worked out, and I hope that the birth goes safely and that all is well.

abilockhart · 13/08/2017 14:54

As you haven't had any antenatal meetings due to these cancellations, I think you should cancel any arrangement you had with this doula.

As the expense is really big for you, it really is in your best interest to cancel immediately.

ALittleMop · 13/08/2017 15:02

The point of a doula is to have someone who you can trust who can offer support, if you need it.
She is offering neither. It relies on rapport and mutual understanding, currently she'd just be another stranger in the room.
Cancel her.

ladystarkers · 13/08/2017 15:07

She should give you a reason. 😮 It maybe that she is at other births. I doubt very much she will let you down at the time but I can understand your worry especially due to her record. Were will you stand finacially if youcancel? Can you book someone else.

LeakyLittleBoat · 13/08/2017 15:07

I'm sympathetic when people have unavoidable reasons to cancel on me but in a business transaction situation involving healthcare, which this is, their problems shouldn't have to become my problem and I should be free to cancel/look elsewhere for the service without being guilt-tripped about it. Same for the OP, Doula's sporadic contact with her dd is not her problem, what if she decides on another impromptu visit the day of OP's labour? That's not a valid excuse for cancelling. And to top one cancelled appointment by cancelling the rearranged appointment this time without a reason? OP shouldn't be in the position of having to judge whether the reason was worthy enough or worry about this approaching her due date.

MrsMozart · 13/08/2017 15:08

Cancel. You've got this far without her support. You can do this lass.

ladystarkers · 13/08/2017 15:09

Just saw you haven't paid anything, why is that? If she hasn't asked you for at least a deposit I'd beworried about her commitment to you.

ladystarkers · 13/08/2017 15:12

Have a look at doula uk for other doulas.

wouldpoisonbesobad · 13/08/2017 15:16

what the hell is a doula

Alexandra87 · 13/08/2017 15:20

Also just wanted to add that I had a debrief after my first traumatic birth with the consultant who delivered my ds. You may have left it too late for this now but I think this would have helped you

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/08/2017 15:20

But Kool, in your case you have obviously had time on your side, to repair the relationship? (and of course, sorry for your loss).

OP could go into labour any minute. She doesn't have time on her side. I think she should cancel.

ZippyCameBack · 13/08/2017 15:27

It doesn't look like she wants to be your doula. I suspect she is trying to make you sack her, and I definitely think she should get what she wants.

Mummaofboys · 13/08/2017 15:33

Yeh I'd let her go, you need to know her before hand and trust her otherwise you may as well just have your midwife, if she keeps cancelling who says something won't come up on your delivery day.

Original poster
Chloris33 · 13/08/2017 21:22

Thanks all, I've just emailed her to cancel. Feeling a bit gutted, but not prepared to spend that sort of money if I can't depend on her commitment.

OP posts:
Oddish · 13/08/2017 22:45

It is gutting that she let you down, hope you find something/one that works for you and labour and birth go smoothly Flowers good luck.

GeillisTheWitch · 13/08/2017 22:49

You've done the right thing, she's unreliable and a visit from her daughter is not a good reason to cancel a meeting.

niknac1 · 13/08/2017 23:00

You'll be ok, can you speak to your NHS midwife, they may be able to offer you more information or support. There are midwife led units attached to hospitals which might suit, it not to late to explore your birth options. Wishing you lots of luck and a healthy baby.

Viviennemary · 13/08/2017 23:03

That's really poor. Cancelling once is annoying but twice is really unacceptable. Hope you've not paid anything upfront.

ChasedByBees · 13/08/2017 23:13

You'll be fine without her OP.

Fruitcorner123 · 13/08/2017 23:42

Hi OP. you will be fine without her and second births are often very different to firsts BUT do you have a friend or relative you could ask to be there with you? Someone who knows about your bereavement and your problems with first birth who could offer support and a hand hold.

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