To think I have been lumbered with a man child?

[CreamCakePls]

Plan today was sort out the kitchen cupboards and dp and dd go food shopping while I go to work at 1pm.

All morning I've said to dp to write a shopping list and gave him some meal ideas, he won't do it and says he won't know what to get in there and will be stressed,

We go to sort out the cupboards I asked what he was throwing and he kicks off saying you do it all then, so I was left half trying to get ready for work, make a shopping list for dumbass and clear all the kitchen cupboards! Am I being unreasonable here?

How hard is it. I feel stressed and so pissed off at having to do everything, before I left he was sat on his arse on the sofa, I feel like I have loads to do, bring washing in off the line/hang more out, general house work and he doesn't have the thought in his mind to just think, oh I'll grab the washing of the line and hang some back out. He'd happily walk past rubbish. I'm shattered I work nights too and just feel like I've had enough.

It annoys me if he's decided he doesn't want to do any housework that he can't even get dd sorted and take her to the park or something!

I needed that rant.

He sounds like a twat to me but you haven't been 'lumbered' with him. You chose him.

Presumably he has other good qualities? In general, can you sit down and talk things through? I can see why this sort of thing is really bothering you but it sounds like you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel (without making it sound like you're just having a go at him, even if he does actually deserve that).

Yabu to think you are lumbered with a man child.

YOU picked him!

You don't have to stay with him though. Make good choices :)

House etc all in my name. I was only with him a month before I got pregnant, so actually never had the chance of living together beforehand. All I do is work, look after dd and sort the house out. He went out yesterday and I'd text him saying I'd felt like shit I had a text saying "awww". He comes back a couple of hours later I'm feeling pissed off because I was hoping he'd come and help out, I mentioned this to him, he said it's tough shit isn't it.

A delivery for shopping was mentioned for tomorrow but I have plans with a friend who I haven't seen in years, I'm trying to get all my old friendships back with girls I've known from school etc because like I said I do nothing and have no social life, and he said do you really want to go out tomorrow, before I had dd I had so many friends and was always out doing stuff, and nights out etc, I think he thinks once I'm in touch and arranging stuff with all old friends I'll be out non stop, but I'm bored.

I always say about how I'm feeling etc and he either says fuck all, or will argue with me. Then a couple of hours later make me a cup of tea, "Ask to be friends", try and make me laugh and try and force a kiss out of me.

Do these men start off being helpful/thoughtful then slowly morph into lazy self-serving manbabies? Do they automatically feel the need to be mothered once their own children are born and lose all the abilities they'd mastered previously...

I wonder what state the house will be in on your return after the "painting"

Topcat, we are over run with paperwork in draws, pans etc, and a meds cupboard full of crap

You've made some bad decisions in the past but they don't have to completely define your future (obviously you can't and wouldn't want to undo having your dd).

Make the choices that work for you. You deserve to be treated with respect and to take back your self respect.

Obviously these types of Men start off being nice and helpful
when they got their feet under the table they stop being helpful
It's the basic bait and switch manoeuvre

Yes, he sounds like a man child, but you have not been lumbered with him. You chose him.

My sympathies. You are, in many ways, describing my husband too. He has never made our bed, or even opened our bedroom curtains in the morning. Never cleaned the loo. Never mopped a floor. Never vacuumed. About once a fortnight he has a tidying frenzy where he goes around furiously trying to sort out the tip of his own creation, with accompanying tutting at me for not helping him. I sit these dumbass sessions out. I tidy up after myself and DS and just pile his crap into towers and put it on his desk (which he never uses, and which is absolutely covered in crap).

I knew what I was getting when I moved in with him, and when I married him, and when I chose to have a child with him. It's a good job I love him really!

It's a communication problem.
A text saying "I'd felt like shit" could mean any one of a million things.
"Hoping he'd come and help out", won't necessarily get you what you want/need. Say exactly what you want to happen.
Sadly, it sounds as if you didn't get chance to get to know him before you found yourself linked to him for life by virtue of the fact you now have a child together - and he didn't get to know you either, so tell him who you are and what you want.
Then you either meet in the middle somewhere or evict him and go it alone.

"It's your house too, your child too, your job as well as mine. Pull your weight or fuck off."

Sums it up pretty well. I'm stunned at the amount of women on MN who just allow themselves to be mugged off by a lazy bastard and don't do anything about it. (I'm not in any way referring to abusive relationships).

he came up with the idea to clean cupboards.
he starts doing it.
you come in and ask question.
he throws hands in air and says he can't do anything right.
leaves cupboards in a mess and sits on sofa.
you go and sort mess out.

i bet this happens with most things.

so here's what i do, and i must say it's not for the feint-hearted.

strategy a:
he came up with the idea to clean cupboards.
he starts doing it.
you stay the fuck out of it no matter what. for as long as it takes, even if his mother comes round.

strategy b:
he came up with the idea to clean cupboards.
he starts doing it.
you come in and ask question.
he throws hands in air and says he can't do anything right.
you stay the fuck out of it no matter what. for as long as it takes.

wisdom no. 1: if you insist on things being done your exact way all the time you will end up doing everything.

wisdom no. 2: everyone learns things slowly. if you don't let him make mistakes around the house and go round criticising everything you will cut off potential help at the knees. i do agree that sometimes things are done craply so they don't have to be finished or ever attempted again. that's why it's so important to LET things be done craply. let it go.

make him responsible for stuff eg. the lunch and then don't pick up the pieces and don't monitor him.

he is being crap, but you're enabling it.

Unless you're in an arranged marriage, you haven't been lumbered with him; you chose to settle down with him. It remains your choice to stay with him as well.

So basically youre with him purely because before youd even properly got to know him to decide if he was compatible for a serious relationship, you fell pregnant.

You wanted a family unit as opposed to being a single mum, so youve spent ever since just muddling along putting up with him.
Theres no shame in being a single parent, hell youre effectively living like one already.
You dont sound happy with him, he doesnt help with bousework, doesnt parent, doesnt support you emotionally, what tbe hell does he do?
From tbe sounds of it he just lives in your house and lives an easy life chore free like a kid does at home with parents.
If i were you id be giving an ultimatum and if nothing changed, kick him out.

Any ideas on what I could say to him? I lost my grandad a couple of weeks ago and have felt like complete shit mentally, these past few days I've been ill and all together I just feel depressed, feel like I have 101 things to do and I just want to cry! I'm knackered constantly.

I tried saying to him before how I felt and all he said was your being like this because you've got a little cold, yeah it's making me feel shitty, but he's pissing me off too and it gets on my nerves he doesn't get or understand how I feel mentally. I swear he thinks because I'm not crying in front of him everyday I'm fine and my problems I'm taking out on him, when really it isn't.

I do ALL washing, he puts his work stuff on on a Sunday though, do all cooking, and cleaning, he occasionally hoovers and does the garden, I have never seen him Hoover the stairs or upstairs. Just the living room/hall and kitchen and we live in a small house, I'm 23 but feel about 60😩

It is probably pretty easy for him, all his washing done and a meal to come home to every night. I work really hard and lots of hours so we can have as much money as possible to pay bills and book holidays and it's only recently I've started working, before I did I relied on him, after an argument would always say he was going to leave and move out, because he knew I didn't want to claim benefits. I never had money other than £20 a week child benefit, so I would of actually been better off being on benefits. Since I've had my own money he's been a different person! Like he has no hold anymore and knows I can be ok without him.

I'm sorry about your grandad, it's even shittier if he's being a dick when you're grieving. I stand by my earlier statement though "pull your weight or fuck off", you're already doing it all yourself, with the added PITA of a manchild

Maybe grief and depression is making his behaviour stand out. You deserve some TLC, please give it to yourself and ask for it.

I agree, you should allow him to make mistakes and not be so controlling and critical.

Had he lived as an independent adult for a few years before moving in?
I agree that you need to be very explicit about what you want, one thing at a time. I don't feel well, so I want you to....Not just vaguely hoping he'll work out what to do. He's a man child, you can leave him, change him or put up with him forever.
If I loved him, I'd try talking, explaining and setting up some ground rules first. If that didn't improve things, I'd dump him.

Any ideas on what I could say to him?

"I am not happy with the way my life is. I think my life would be better without you in it"

If you do think that, of course.

I would try and work with what you have OP, which is two imperfect people who have a family. Give yourself a break right now, be clear about what a break looks like, what support you would like and how long it will last.

For starters, make it clear you do want to go out tomorrow and don't change your plans. Shopping can be delivered any time one of you is in, why can't he deal with it?

I don't like him making threats to leave when he knew you were dependent on him. That's a tactic to stop you (legitimately) complaining. I would back off from doing so much and say you both need to do the housework and save towards holidays etc. Don't take on so many hours at work. Take more time out for yourself.

Welll I've just got home from work, house of course was a shit tip. I've told him how I feel and how I've had enough he walked out of the room an said "fuck you"... I've said to him I want you to just go, he said he's not going anywhere until he's got enough money! Great. Is there anything I can do?

Who owns/rents the house? If it's just in your name you could have him removed if necessary. Does he have family/friends he could stay with?