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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move further away

29 replies

roseanya · 13/08/2017 12:26

Mother has Serious illness (not terminal but unable to do much for herself at all) dad (elderly) is her carer. I live about 1hr away by bus (2 busses) or 10/15 minute car journey. I get over to help when I can but as I don't drive it's not always practical. I often feel guilty as my dad needs more help and they both love to see me.

I have had an awful 1.5 hour journey each way for my course (mature student) for the past 2 years.

Lease is coming up and husband (and I) want us to move closer to my university for my last year, to an area where I will have a half hour or less commute. However this takes me a good hour and a half plus on public transport from my parents.

My brother is being a bit bitchy about it, implying it's really selfish. And a friend, when I mentioned that we were looking at new flats and houses, immediately presumed we were looking to move closer to my parents. I felt awful.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 12:27

Should mention It would put me about 40 minutes away by car instead of the ten/fifteen I am now, so a big difference.

OP posts:
MumsOnCrack · 13/08/2017 12:29

Is it really worth it for one year?

FreudianSlurp · 13/08/2017 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2017 12:35

How often do you see them? You'd be better off every day of the week with your commute. Even if you visit your parents every week that pays off, doesn't it?

It's not as though they're visiting you - that would perhaps be unfair.

emmyrose2000 · 13/08/2017 12:38

Does your brother help out equally now? Is he worried about being left to do more/most of the work, or is he just being a pain for the sake of it?

After your uni course finishes, what will your plans be in terms of location? How many days do you attend the course?

Can your parents get in outside help?

Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 12:58

It may be another 4 years if I plan to do a post grad diploma, and to be honest even one year is a long time to keep doing the commute I am now as it is effecting my work and I felt I couldn't stay late etc as I have such a long journey home.

I have organised carers twice and my dad cancelled them saying he didn't need them. I do their shopping online for them and other jobs when I can. I see them once or twice a week at the moment and that would change to once maximum probably.

My brother lives round the corner and sees them everyday for even a quick pop in. So that makes me feel guilty. However he is single so I think it suits him too as he has company close by.

OP posts:
Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 12:59

Re: carers, he does need them to help with mum but is too stubborn

The course is going to be 5 days a week as of September. It's my final year and I am doing a dissertation

OP posts:
Imamouseduh · 13/08/2017 13:01

I think you want to think it suits your brother, because it suits you. It's a lot of pressure for him to be the one who always has to be there. I think you are being a bit unreasonable, they won't be around forever.

Mumof56 · 13/08/2017 13:02

Could you learn to drive? It'd make both journies shorter/easier on you.

Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 13:05

We do equal amounts for our parents in different ways. I go to stay over when mum is particularly bad, to help my dad. I also deal with arranging doctors appointments, shopping and other things. My brother takes them to hospital appointments as he has a car. He pops in for a cup of tea because he's lucky enough to live round the corner. I get 2 busses to bring them bags of shopping. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I do at the moment- but am worried about decreasing it, hence the question.

OP posts:
Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 13:07

I'd love to learn to drive, should of done it years ago.

Funds are a bit limited for lessons at the moment as we got married in Feb this year and I am a full time mature student. But it is definitely the best solution I agree.

OP posts:
FreudianSlurp · 13/08/2017 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 13:11

I should point out I have a third brother, who lives 15 minutes away from them by car. He drives. And also helps with bits and pieces. But he rarely visits Monday-Friday.

OP posts:
Genghi · 13/08/2017 13:11

Learn how to drive and both your uni commute and parental visits would become more cost and time effective. As you're older your first car insurance won't even cost all that much - mine was 400/year by myself, much less than my bus/tram pass.

DJBaggySmalls · 13/08/2017 13:12

Thats not an easy or pleasant choice. I'd think long term.
Move closer to uni. You do that trip twice a day and it must be sending your stress levels through the roof. You dont need that while you should be concentrating on your studies.
Say to yourself thats what you are going to do, and see how you feel.

Your brother can step up if he needs to, and he can quit complaining.

haba · 13/08/2017 13:12

You shouldn't be delivering shopping- that's what online ordering is for, all the major supermarkets do it now (of course not applying outside of UK, that's my assumption, sorry).
Commuting that distance 5 days a week will be a killer, move closer for your own health.

Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 13:20

People might also be wondering why I chose a uni so far away! It was the only one remotely commutable that offered my course and I underestimated how tiring the journey would be.

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 13/08/2017 13:24

Yes arrange online shopping for them, that is one Job you shouldn't need to travel for. You can help with life admin from a distance and keep trying to persuade carers. I think you should move.. why is all the pressure on you to visit and not your other brother?

bigmac4me · 13/08/2017 13:25

You say that your brother is "LUCKY enough to live around the corner" and yet you are moving further away....is that UNLUCKY then?!!?

Bluerose27 · 13/08/2017 13:27

It's so much better for you to live closer to your college. As pp have said, you do that journey 2 times a day.
You're stressed and tired. You need to look out for yourself as well as your parents

Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 13:29

No but it's unlucky I can't do both, be closer to my course and to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
roseanya · 13/08/2017 13:31

Sorry that came across wrong. I do online shopping for them. I just meant I also always bring a bag of bits and pieces when I visit aswell.

OP posts:
Categoric · 13/08/2017 13:33

Your poor brother who lives round the corner. Just because he is single doesn't mean he needs your parents' company! Is he taking time off from work to take your parents to the hospital appointments? Of course he is not pleased that you are moving further away. You seem to be the only sibling who helps him. The three of you need to sit down and work out an equal way to help your parents.

pinkdelight · 13/08/2017 13:35

It sounds like you do a lot for them, and many parents in their position wouldn't have one child close by to help, let alone three. YANBU, you are building your own family life for the future, and still doing you bit to help. The one who lives closest, like your bro, usually had had benefits from staying close to the parents as well as burdens ime.

StaplesCorner · 13/08/2017 13:36

I think you should move, tell your brothers you will continue to share the load and help out when you can. If you were my daughter I'd want you to do what you need to do. You sound caring and conscientious (and if your dad is refusing additional help then you're damned either way). I think they are lucky to have 3 adult children who still want to/can visit.

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