to say unless you're prepared to help plan the holiday don't come

[andbabymakesthree]

I'm the Motivator and the organiser in my family and quite frankly it's exhausting and draining. I don't get to do things that I want to do because I'm too busy making plans for everyone else.

Holidays are only booked after I plan them. Where do you want to go into ask. The reply is always Dunno. No passports no money for them. Don't like anywhere hot any way. You choose.

Days out don't happen unless I sort it. Find deals. Events that are going on.

Picnics don't happen unless I buy the food and sort although DP is getting better (8 years in) of getting it made once sorted.

Packing is always done to me whilst he sorts his own little holdall.

You get the picture. It's tiring frustrating but I've tried all sorts over the years including doing NOTHING. Those weekends and sometimes weeks off have been the worst. Argumentative children who have done nothing and who are fed up just like me.

So after spending yet another night researching things to do in the area that we are going and to showing him a few things to him where he shows little interest and said "well let's see what the kids want to do".

I'm fed up with it. I'd like nothing more than to spend my evenings with a glass of wine and a book but nope when children in bed I have a baby attached to me researching this shit.

I'd organise things that I want to do. If they moan them they need to get involved the next time.

It's all the other stuff to choosing where to eat, what to cook. What beds to buy the children. Christmas and birthday shopping.

One grocery shop he was asking me what kind of bread to buy. I don't even eat bread. FfS.

The only thing is does have a view on is clothes!

I've done there if you don't like it organises itself next time. If you don't want to organise it stop moaning.

A recent agreement was thst I am pissed off with cooking tea every night someone to moan yet no one wants to sit down and meal plan. The next week we were in the supermarket grabbing something for the next couple of days. I left him in the aisle choosing some meals whilst I popped back to get something. 10 minutes later they came and found me. They hadn't chosen anything. Left supermarket. Told him. Make beans on toast. I'm not cooking. I'm past caring

Excuse typos. My brain is drained and seems to be incapable of proof reading!

You need to read "Wifework" by Susan Maushart. I haven't finished it yet but it describes this to a T. I'm reading on to find out the answer!

This is your partner and these are his children? Have a proper conversation about how you feel you are doing all the work of organising.

You need to let the moaning wash over you.
"If you don't like it do it yourself next time."On repeat

This comic about the mental load also describes this:

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

That sound so incredibly frustrating and I'm surprised you've put up with t so long.

Let them fend for themselves.

Have you ever gotten angry about this? Like really angry, so he can't avoid seeing how you feel?

Yy to Wifework by Maushart. It's completely and utterly unfair for you to be doing all this work. In the end, this destroyed my relationship as it was just so time consuming and soul destroying.

I bought wife work about two years ago yet too busy doing the wifework to read it

My child. His children Our children. Proper 21st blended family.

I had the conversation a few weeks ago. Got really angry. Told him we were close to splitting up. Of course he got defensive and did the whole go and get a job shit he likes to throw at me. We decided I would spend a few years of me not working as it wasn't working out.

Actually what wasn't working was his inability to cook decent family meals and my refusal to continually be the one responsible for remedying that. Bulk cooking , slow cooker prep etc on top of a much more stressful and demanding job than his.

I have a young baby who needs me. I don't need the drain of a depressed man child who won't seek help either. I'm close to just leaving tbh as less exhausting I'm my own than the constant moans.

Hes making a picnic btw at this moment. Every fucking decision is referred to me. I am not his supervisor and I'm not a control freak. Nor will I moan about what is packed. Been up since early. Done a ton of stuff. Just need to get out.

Buy him a cookery course for his next birthday?

Btw he will do stuff if asked. Just doesn't ever make a decision. Shall I change the bed. Yes please. Shall I put it in machine.... What set shall I put on....

Tried cook book. He was furious

I'm going with starvation mode

Did anyone else read 'I am the Motivator' and thought of this

Lol DingDong that's a blast from the past. Loved Mr Motivator he was awesome! Annoying as hell, but awesome!

my dh was like this. like he left his brain at the door. so we split responsibility for areas of house and i absolutely don't get involved in 'his areas'. e.g. he's responsible for bins. i absolutely won't interfere even if stuff is spilling out.

to the constant questions, look confused and quizzical and offer no answers. he'll work it out eventually. but don't critise! just accept what he's come up with. he'll do a crap job for starters but when he realises you won't take over he'll hopefully start to get on with things like an adult.

Ha. Yes, I have one like this too. When I get really mad I tell him I am not his "thinking brain dog" (in Australia they refer to guide dogs as "seeing eye dogs" so it makes more sense here) as I am sick to the back teeth of his referring EVERY SINGLE FUCKING LITTLE THING to me rather than just doing it himself, looking for it himself, working out for himself.

I refuse to book holidays though. Mostly because he has to work it out around his working hours (I am also a SAHM) so I CBA with trying to get dates out of him and where he wants to go blah blah - so it's his job. To be fair, he does a great job of picking places to go and booking good accommodation - just as well! But packing etc. is all down to me, except for him and his stuff.

I don't know what you do because nothing I've tried seems to work!

I would choose a time when you are all together, turn off TV, computer and all devices, and start a discussion about holidays. Say that it is everyone's holiday and you want to hear their ideas. You also want everyone to be involved in preparations for it when you have decided where to go. I do think you need to provide some ideas to start them off, places that appeal to you, and what sort of attractions there are, places to visit.

If they do decide on a location, get them to look at it on the computer, find accommodation, list attractions etc. Get them to make lists of what they would need to pack. Maybe the kids need a prod to view choosing a holiday as a fun project. Or maybe they are not motivated because their DF is so apathetic.

I used to be apathetic about holidays during my first marriage, mainly because they were such hard work for me, doing practically everything in preparation. So it was me not wanting to go. I totally get the fed up feeling of making all the decisions.

Give them a time limit to have made a decision about the holiday, otherwise there will not be one. And you and baby will be going for days out on your own, while DH and the others fend for themselves.

YES DingDong

OP my DH is not as infuriating as yours sounds but still does the deferring questions to me thing. I've taken to feigning ignorance, just saying I can't remember and he will have to google it or read the instructions. He has gradually stopped asking about most things...

He doesn't sound great, tbh. Maybe you do need to split up for a while at least? It might shock him into getting his act together, or it might give you the space to realise you're happier without him?