to say unless you're prepared to help plan the holiday don't come

[andbabymakesthree]

I'm the Motivator and the organiser in my family and quite frankly it's exhausting and draining. I don't get to do things that I want to do because I'm too busy making plans for everyone else.

Holidays are only booked after I plan them. Where do you want to go into ask. The reply is always Dunno. No passports no money for them. Don't like anywhere hot any way. You choose.

Days out don't happen unless I sort it. Find deals. Events that are going on.

Picnics don't happen unless I buy the food and sort although DP is getting better (8 years in) of getting it made once sorted.

Packing is always done to me whilst he sorts his own little holdall.

You get the picture. It's tiring frustrating but I've tried all sorts over the years including doing NOTHING. Those weekends and sometimes weeks off have been the worst. Argumentative children who have done nothing and who are fed up just like me.

So after spending yet another night researching things to do in the area that we are going and to showing him a few things to him where he shows little interest and said "well let's see what the kids want to do".

I'm fed up with it. I'd like nothing more than to spend my evenings with a glass of wine and a book but nope when children in bed I have a baby attached to me researching this shit.

This is the "mental load".

Unless you're independently wealthy, being AH is a massive financial risk, especially with a partner who acts and has attitudes like yours does.

Bet it was really hard to WoH with a man not pulling his weight, but WOH is nonetheless adviseable in the circumstances.

Forget the holidays/trips out and put money into savings, ideally in your name!

I don't understand why men stop being functional adults. I was having a lie in this morning (my only lie in of the week). DP had to get up and get himself and one child dressed.

Where is the underwear? Where is my belt? What have you done with it? I ended up getting out of bed

He let the puppy out of the kitchen and into the house instead of straight out for a wee. Puppy had wee on the sofa.

He has now gone out for the day (hobby) leaving me to clean up.

I'm buying wifework as I'm sick of it. He always says 'I'll do it tomorrow' tomorrow never comes. I fractured both of my arms recently and haven't been able to do any housework. He hasn't picked up the slack. I'm also the 'organiser' and it's exhausting.

This was partly why my marriage ended. I was exhausted and utterly fed up with taking sole responsibility for managing the household. And he simply didn't see it.. In his head, he was a 21st century modern man who pulled his weight. He really wasn't. He would change a nappy but only if I asked - he wouldn't smell poo and just go and deal with it. He would do our weekly shop - but only if I wrote him a list first. He would give the baby a bath - but only if I ran it, fetched towels etc and then cleaned up afterwards.

From a housework perspective, being a single parent is much easier.

Does wife work have the answers then?

I love dh but he needs reprogramming/retraining or something!

I agree with eddie. We have "his" and "her" jobs - just don't tell all the Treeza haters. Sharing only leads to shirking and angst in our hh although tbf I am not just talking about DH. I am lousy at hoovering etc and can tolerate a lot of clutter before I notice. I am also a huge fan of the freezer tea and the takeaway having spent my child free years eating my main meal in the work canteen. DH does the supermarket online shop because I only buy things I like when I go - shopping en famile strikes me as sadomasochism. I am also a fan of indolent holidays so cannot imagine planning for everyone else let alone myself - I blame Scottishness for that, because there is only so much disappointment caused by rain a person can take. DC have been doing their own packing since eldest went to school. I do usually do a quick pants, jammies, toothbrush checklist on the way out.

what age are the dc and what chores do they currently do?

Yes his jobs and you jobs. List them and leave him to it.

There are good, free cartoons on the "mental load" and "

Sexist partners, basically.

Motivator and organiser? More like enabler. If you want to do something with the DC then get on and do it.

Penfold actually I'd like to do stuff without doing ALL the preparations or heaven forbid him organise a surprise etc.

We had an argument recently where he was left in no doubt how I feel and exactly what I do. He tries for a short while. Then he just reverts back to normal. He mocks me when I say I'll add it to my list of things to do...yet his list is empty.

I met someone who have not seen for a while and I said to her wow you look amazing. She told me about how she had lost weight and ditched husband. Constantly moaning about this and that. Food. Going out. Alot of it rang true.

I don't want to split but no way is this going to be my life.

My husband is only going on holidays he organises this year. Fortunately it was his friend's wedding and his parents visiting, and also he sounds nowhere near in your husbands league of shit. I couldn't live with it though.

And I completely get that but this man isn't ever going to step up and be proactive. You need to do what you want and if that means leaving him behind so be it.

Gosh I'm not leaving upgrading three children without trying to change things. I've been quite direct last few days with him and I've dusted off wifework

I hear you...

DD told me at the weekend that she isn't ever going to get married because she doesn't want to be stuck doing all the laundry, cooking and cleaning like I have to do... Out of the mouths of babes....

Anymore pearlso of wisdom. I'm ready to leave now. Just nowhere to go.

I 100% hear you. I have been married 12 years and with DH for 16. I do absolutely everything, just as you describe. I also have days when I just want to throw it all in and just look after DD on my own - it'd be less work! Then I remember all the stuff he does which makes me laugh and how loving he can be. I decided a few years ago from talking to friends etc that this may just be how life is - no matter if when you were 20 you swore you wouldn't end up like your mum! I try just to take it with a pinch of Salt now and warn him that unless he pulls his fucking finger out I will explode violently every so often.......If you can't hack it you will have to move on - it all depends if you can accept this is the way it is...... This is a really common situation sadly. How about arranging a hobby etc just for you to get out and have time for you - they won't die without you!

You sound like me 10 years ago! Nothing happened unless I organised it. Got to the stage when I gradually stopped organising - Gradually drifted apart from H and we are now divorced!! Its so much easier organising things now I dont have to 'seek approval' for my decisons

What a nightmare! I would strongly advise you to go out to work as much as possible because that's the only sort of work these sort of men see as being a valid reason for not having the wifework all done. He will have to do something if you are not there.

About holidays, I'd be tempted to go separately if the kids are old enough.

What happens to these men when they are forced to sort things? Do they go round to their mothers?

Yes he does go to his mother's.

I took the children away for a week a couple of summers ago. Tempted to do it again. He takes holidays off to help with the children but in reality he's miserable and drags us down.

I went to bed this afternoon after a huge row. Left him to it mopping after yet another day of doing nothing. I've had enough of this life. I'm going to find a job and the children will have to go into full time childcare including the baby. Work won't paid at all and the kids will be miserable and no doubt the juggle with be mine with childcare to sort.

However I suppose it's good planning for being a lone parent again.

Sounds like my DH. DDs on 2 separate holiday courses. Take DD1 to hers - I do all the packing and organise picnic lunch etc. All he has to do is get us there. Puts postcode into satnav and drives - but satnav gets it wrong and takes us 30 miles in wrong direction - he hasn't looked at route or got a road atlas in the car.

Week later, got to pick DD2 up from her course - again I've done all packing, booked over night accommodation etc. He didn't bother to check what time we should be there so turns up 1.5 hours early and needless to say no one is pleased to see us. Why do men think all they have to do is get in a car and point it in the right direction?