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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to move out??

57 replies

Glitterbug83 · 13/08/2017 09:01

Help. Please.

I've just found out my mum in law has invited herself to come and stay at mine for 2 weeks whilst my brother in law (whom she lives with) is on holiday. I have a 1 year old, work part time and currently don't have a dishwasher which makes washing up a pain. To top that off, I actually cannot stand her. In the time I've been married, I've never received a compliment off her; she's always critical of what I do including my cooking and parenting saying there's not enough salt in something or why am I giving my poor daughter a dummy); she's insulted me in front of the whole family once implying that I didn't help enough at their parties when there were already 9 women in the kitchen and I was exhausted as I was working full time and commuting 1hr 30mins to and from work; she's a very negative person overall; she repeats things 20 times at least and talks very loudly (due to hearing problems); she has no interests beyond praying and attending the community centre when driven there; whilst I was pregnant she didn't help me once or offer to cook although she does for her daughter and daughter in law and instead told me my belly was too low and my belly was too small so my baby would be too small. Husband has never stuck up for me in front of her and I basically have no time for the woman. To make my husband happy, I used to dye her hair with him regularly and buy her clothes /hair dye and even sorted out her whole room for her when they moved house but when she didn't seem to reciprocate it and remembered her sons birthday often but not mine I just couldn't be bothered anymore.

Granted, she does have arthritis and she is 80. But if she moves in to my place for 2 weeks, AIBU to move to my parents? I cannot take people staying over in my space for so long as I'm quite a private person... and I do not want to look after her in addition to my baby.

Nightmare.

OP posts:

Dowser · 13/08/2017 10:09

I was going along with this and then read she's 80.
I think you need to cut her some slack.
At 80 she's not going to change. She's doing well still being here.
We all change as we age. I'm 15 years younger than her and I notice my self changing.
We just get tired and worn out.

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 13/08/2017 10:10

So, I just spoke to hubby and he gave me a huge hug. He said he knows it's not ideal and appreciates me doing it for him. If mil steps out of line, I'll call her up on it and maybe even talk about the past too. It's more adult to tell her how I feel right? Who knows, like some of you suggested, it might build bridges

OP posts:

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 13/08/2017 10:11

Noenergy, she's from the same culture as me. We're Asian.

OP posts:

AnnMeredithPerkins · 13/08/2017 10:16

At my place she does nothing and waits to be served food/tea etc

well dont pander to her, make her food when you make yourself/family food, tea etc

missmollyhadadolly · 13/08/2017 10:18

Glitterbug are you a SAHM? Do you do all the cooking, housework, childcare?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/08/2017 10:21

I actually think you are expecting too much - she remembers her son's birthday but not yours eh ok I would never expect my mil to remember my birthday, I don't remember hers either. She never rang or offered food when dd was born, she rang her son alright but not me. All of this is fine with me, we just don't have that kind of relationship. Your mil clearly doesn't think you do either, you just need to adjust your expectations.

Blossomdeary · 13/08/2017 10:28

Difficult - I can see it will be hard. But I always ask myself - what might I be like at 80? Who, knows, maybe just the same as this lady.

I think the solution here is to offer her the hospitality - after all your BIL has this all the time and probably feels it is reasonable his brother should take a turn. BUT - I think you should sit down with your OH before the event, explain exactly how you feel and make a set of ground rules about what his role is here. i.e. you are not going to be the one who does all the shopping, catering, meeting his mother's needs etc. Make a definitive list of what his role should be; and also what you would not find acceptable: e.g. coming in from work, grunting a hello to her and leaving you holding the "baby" for the rest of the evening. The list should include him taking her out on his own with her while you get a breathing space.

This discussion needs to be dispassionate, as if you are both planning for a siege, and NOT an opportunity for accusations!

Good luck!

I know this scenario in an exaggerated form - my FIL, whom my OH hated became homeless and was dumped on us at the age of 91. It was agony. Guess who finished up having to organise suitable alternative accommodation for him?!

Dragonflycushion · 13/08/2017 10:29

Set out your rules. Tell her it's fine for her to use your kitchen to make food amd drinks but to not move any of your stuff around. Tell her you won't be able to sit and chat much as you have your DD to look after. Go out. A lot. DD needs fresh air and exercise after all.
Practise saying 'I don't think that's right' on a loop as a response to her critical comments or better still, laugh out loud at them and say in a bright and breezy way 'Oh bless you!' And change the subject immediately or just say 'Time for a walk' etc and act as if she hasn't said the nasty thing.

Elenorrigbywoes · 13/08/2017 10:53

You poor thing 💐 if she does so much for her daughter and daughter in law can she not stay with them?

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/08/2017 11:03

you're a mug.....your dh is just glad he's not expected to do the 'wife-work'.

You say you will martyr yourself because you love your husband......how much does he love YOU that he's never once pulled his mother up on her shit?
Or taken over hosting duties so YOU are not running around after her?

You could just tell her 'no.now is not the time for a visit'.
Keep putting others before yourself - you'll be a doormat your whole life.

ImDoingLaundry · 13/08/2017 11:04

I don't buy into pandering to the older generation because they're 'set in their ways'

An elderly obnoxious twat is still an obnoxious twat, and they were probably that way 40 years ago. Respect goes both ways.

Go and stay with your parents, or a friends place OP, let your husband look after his mother.

Artistic · 13/08/2017 14:26

I would say consider how your husband would deal with the situation if this were reversed and it were your parents staying over due to some circumstances. If he would keep the peace and stay, so should you. Compromising with your in-laws is part of marriage territory & if I were you I'd focus more on how I made my DH feel rather than my MIL. Don't bend backwards, don't pamper, but stay, and do the minimum needed to be hospitable. Make your life as easy as you can, cook less often, pre-freeze food, order takeaway, ask your DH to do the dishes, become a team.
It's only 2 weeks, think of your SIL with whom she stays most of the year!

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 13/08/2017 18:39

Thank you all so much for your input. Some very good advice! I did speak to her daughter today about my mil. She'd presumed we'd have her for the whole duration even though she works the same hours as me and her kids are grown up. So now we've agreed to do one week and she'll stay at her daughters for a week. She didn't seem too impressed tbh! Hubby has said he will help out more too. I had booked annual leave for this week as we were planning on doing day trips etc but I've asked work if I can do the week instead. I'd rather save my annual leave for a better time seeing as it's so precious. Not so worried now. Thank you all so much. I shall update!

OP posts:

noenergy · 14/08/2017 03:29

So I was right about the culture thing.
It's a misconception in Asian culture that it's DILs duty to look after inlaws but it's not, it's their own kids that should b.

That's good u changed your week of annual leave and her daughter is taking her for a week. Learn to ignore comments which touch a nerve. Just agree with her and carry on as u wish to do. Just count yourself lucky that she is not always with u, think of your poor SIL.

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 14/08/2017 17:43

@noenergy, very wise advice. It is odd in the Asian culture tbh. Hubby's going to pick her up tonight. I've told him to do the shopping on the way too. Let's see how we go...

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Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 15/08/2017 08:27

So, mil arrived last night. The only issue is far has been that she set her alarm for morning prayer at 04.14 and it was so loud it woke us all up. She didn't hear it with her hearing aids in so we waited 15mins before telling her to turn it off. Blimey. That alarm has to go.

OP posts:

Madwoman5 · 15/08/2017 08:56

Get her involved in your daily life rather than entertaining your guest. She can pop a load in the machine, fold dry clothes, help with the meal, wash up or dry...just keep her busy and she will not have time to bitch. The mn classic, did you mean to be so rude? Is a good fallback if the worst happens. Has she seen an ENT specialist about her hearing?

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 15/08/2017 09:15

Good advice madwoman5, I'll show her where the breakfast stuff is so she can sort herself out once she gets up...and yes, if the nastiness starts I won't tolerate it...

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 15/08/2017 09:33

Get DH to pick up an under pillow vibrating alarm for MIL. Easily available and not expensive e.g. Argos £20.

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 15/08/2017 09:59

Penfold007, genius. We'll do that. I don't believe this woman. She just sat down at the breakfast table expecting to be served. I'd made omelette anyway as baby loves it too. I told her the omelette is ready for her to add her salt/pepper as needed in the kitchen and showed her where the tea stuff was. She only just got up and I've already listened to her whine about her knees constantly. I'm tired already.

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Penfold007 · 15/08/2017 10:10

Glitter we bought one for my profoundly deaf MIL, she loves it. Good luck for the next week

missionmumlondon · 15/08/2017 18:16

Poor you! I honestly think that no matter what generation and culture, you should be considerate of other people's feeling and have respect to other people.

I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with all this stuff with the in law. Something what's is done doesn't mean what it should be done.

I am Asian too so I understand how important we need to look after the elders. However, you are a modern woman as you have a job, not like those Asian women years ago who stayed at home. So now women are meant to work full time, cook and clean and look after elders all at the same time? That's just ridiculous!

I told my husband, if you want to me to do all the cooking and cleaning and all the rest, earn enough to support the both of us and I'd make 'staying at home' my full time job. Until that day comes, he does half of everything, just as both him and I have a full time job and a baby boy.

noenergy · 15/08/2017 19:25

How did the rest of the day go?

Just remember to keep your DH involved and be around as much as he can.

Maelstrop · 15/08/2017 19:39

Just keep pointing her towards the kitchen whenever she sits waiting to be served. My 83 year old neighbour is very frail, but cooks, cleans and drives, despite bad back issues (basically wear and tear the osteopath said when we forced took her to him)

Original poster

Glitterbug83 · 15/08/2017 22:17

Penfold007, thank you so much.

missionmumlondon, thank you for your message. I totally agree with you.

So, update after day 1....after the breakfast saga, I got talked at (literally) by mil for 2 hours about knee pain, back pain, eye surgery... I forget the rest because I put ear plugs in secretly and just sat nodding my head lol.

After this I took my daughter out with me to run some errands and chilled at my mum's place. We made dinner together. I came home, bathed my baby and put her to bed. Went out with a friend for dinner.

Overall not a bad day tbh!

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