Not to want to start again at 47

[LEMtheoriginal]

I am so pathetic I don't know where to start.

I should be at a stage in life where I'm starting to enjoy the fruits of my labour. Except I'm not - I'm on the breach of having to retrain (3yr on the job) into a position with little or no progression but I DO love my job day to day I need a bit of paper to say I can do it properly.

I should have done this year's ago but I went down the academic route. I did well - no idea how! I got a PhD. after that everything went wrong. PND bereavement. Illness. 11 years later and I'm starting over - the level I'll be training at is a level so everyone assumes I'll walk it -im not so sure!!!

My Dh is horrified that I am doing this as there is no earning potential - qualified starting salary of 18k he thinks I should be earning more. Keeps trying to push me into teaching and I don't want to be a teacher!! All respect to those that can but I taught in college and was good at the actual teaching but not so much all the admin et and it precipitated a 2nd breakdown. It's just not for me.

it doesn't help that there has been a seismic shift in management at work making the decision to commit for 4 years quite scary.

I'M good at my job but being non qualified holds me back although ironically I won't earn any more on qualification.

We have a 20yo car. It's a good car but getting to the end of it's useful life and no funds to replace.

Crippling mortgage due to financial difficulties got into when I was "ill" and unable to work - his behind being SAHM. No credit available to us now . Ever.

I see colleagues off on foreign holidays. New houses/cars and happy families and I realise just how pathetic I am.

My grown up dd is struggling with depression and refuses to let me help - dh says I have to just be there for her. She lives with long term dp. and jump in when/if aasked. Only contact really is via Facebook messenger and that is sporadic (this is killing me but too painful to discuss so I can't talk about it).

I've no friends or social life and I feel like a massive failure. As dh (dp but together 25 years) says I should be earning ££££ and we shouldn't be struggling. He is self employed but I never supported the business enough and it's floundering and never brought in enough anyway.

He says we should be relaxing now not starting again. He is right but I can't see any other options -otger than not get out of bed ever again. This is very attractive -i hate myself to the nth degree. I'm a fuck up

You are not a fuck up, you really
aren't. Life is wonderful, but it isn't easy, we all make mistakes, that is inherent, it is not the mistakes that matter, it is how we deal with them, and to overcome and forgive ourselves for that we need good self esteem, to love ourselves essentially. I am 49. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with who I am and what has happened to me and to feel ok about it all. Have you thought about counselling?

Had loads of counselling but now the playing field has changed and it's of no use. Was on Ads for the donkeys share of 10 years.

I just feel like I've let everyone down.

Why is your DH making it your fault that you are both not sailing through life and financially secure when he's self employed in a floundering business? I'm sure (I hope) that he supported you when you were unwell but it's not just your responsibility to be earning?

Oh sweetheart. I have done some stupid and awful things in my life. I have managed to forgive myself, and now life is bearable, good even. It is all inside you, once you accept yourself everything else changes, don't look out, look in, but in a gentle loving way, not critically.

I think you and your dp are mistaken in thinking that everyone else your age is doing really well and enjoying the fruits of their labours now.
Everyone's situation is different and dependent on so many different things.
My career is going reasonably well but my dh is your age and the last 10 years have been terrible for him, leading to depression (again) and lots of stress and financial hardship. He is also looking at starting again so I can really empathise with you.
However, I am as supportive as I can be and would be delighted if he was in a job he loved, no matter what the salary.
Only last week I said to him ' Do you think 'loser' when you hear about someone starting a new career in their forties or fifties?'. If course not, they are always presented as success stories.
There's no point in comparing ourselves to our peers- we are not living their life & they are not living ours.

I'm feeling similar at 40. Nearly started a similar post. Husband self employed we lack pensions. I can't go back to teaching and don't know what to retrain as or what I can afford to do workwise.

See friends that are working part time professional careers that are so much more settled, nice house , security. I struggle with it a lot.

Your dh sounds horrid. He should be supporting you, not putting you down.

You may also need to broaden your social circles. Lots and lots of people aren't even remotely sorted at 47 or any age. It doesn't mean you're a failure if your income isn't ££££.

I don't understand why It is your fault. Why is your DH hanging on to a business that is floundering when he could be folding it up and getting an actual job! There is no should be doing this or that at any age; some people are fortunate, others not so much. Many people your age still have dependent children with all the expense that brings. The one positive in your life is a job you enjoy. If you qualify in 3 years, you will still have 16 working years post qualifying.

I'm 49, on my own and on £17k a year. I've tried negotiating with work with some very valid arguments ( even HR agreed I had a case) and got turned down flat and made out as though I was being totally unreasonable. In 4 years time my tax credits end and I don't have a clue how I'll pay my mortgage (probably have to see if I can get a 2nd job). I've spent the last 8 years trying to increase my income and not getting anywhere.
In the meantime all my friends have progressed in their fields, had spousal support and now are all nearly mortgage free and going off living the life I dream of.
I've never been mortgage free - from my 18th birthday onwards I've always had this to pay. You'd think I'd be in an amazing house by now - nope, just a 2 bed semi in a cheap housing town thanks to two divorces wiping me out.

What I'm trying to say is that not all of us have that glossy lifestyle, and yes, it's shit, we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plugging away hoping that the next move we make will be the right one that lets us get out of this hole. Your husband should be more supportive, you're trying - you always have, and he needs to open his eyes to the bigger picture too

I agree with your husband. Retraining to earn £18k with no chance of that improving is madness. You have a phd so you will be accepted on to almost any course. Choose a professional qualification, not an a level, with more prospects. Ive a masters in a useless subject and went to the local uni last year tomdiscuss course options and was offered level 5 professional qualifications in almost every course they offer. There re course in HR, Procurement, finance, law... If youre starting again, choose something that will make your retirememt easier.

Now, your husband needs to deal with his own lack of earning. Why is the business floundering? If he cant turn it around he needs to get a job with prospects, retrain or change the direction of his business.

You are a team and he needs to be taking responsibility for his part and working to change it.

I wouldn't spend several years studying AND working for no more money. Especially when you have MH issues. I have MH issues and could not cope with work and study on top.

Is an option to cruise along in the current role?

Your DP needs to manage his own business and not pressure you to earn £££.

Sorry your daughter is struggling.

To be fair he is going to start agency work (Please God) in September. But he is now home for the remainder of the summer holidays. I've just had two weeks off. One week we went camping and the other he worked which was good. Hopefully he will pick up regular work.

I can't afford to retrain and not earn.

I have to decide by the end of the month and once commited would be stuck or have to pay course fees back.

My PhD is in science but ridiculously specialised and I don't think there's a way back in. My uni friends look at me a bit head tilty when I say is like to get back in the lab but it's been too long.

I feel so stressed to make a decision.

Yes I could float along quite nicely and unchallenged in current position but others in same role will also be training and as such I'll probably lose what responsibility I already have.

You say you love the job day to day. That's great. If the company is paying for the course, then do it. 3 years goes by very fast, it really does. I don't see that you have anything to lose. Then when you have that qualification you can add that to your CV. You might really enjoy doing the study, the interaction with classmates (is it classroom based?) and it might add something more to your life, not take it away.
You are certainly at dab hand at criticising yourself. It's really not a helpful form of motivation.

Have you thought about trying for a medical writing job? You could start as an associate (and with a science PhD, you would almost certainly get a job). Depends on where you live, but starting salaries are higher than the £18k that you are currently on - likely to be £22k plus. You get trained on the job and progress within the company. Good earning potential in this area as you get more experienced.
If you enjoy science and have got stuck in this other role, this might be a good way out for you.

Why is your H blaming you for his business floundering?! Not your problem! Sounds like he's unhappy with his earnings and business, and dumping all of his feelings onto you to stop himself feeling shit. If he's spent longer working than you for whatever reason (illness, SAHM), then he's had more time to progress his career, so turn it back on him... why isn't he earning ££££?

Get your qualification and continue to love your job, that's very important, maybe more so than £££. But at the same time have a think about where you want to go, and how to get there, it won't be impossible.

Do not become a teacher if that's not what you want to do, don't let him persuade you. It's very stressful and there's lots of paperwork, it doesn't sound like your sort of career!

Have you thought about working with a good life or career coach? Some support might help.

I'd suggest you think hard about this course.

What do you want out of life? How long do you need or want to work? 60? 65? 70?

What matters most? Money, security, job satisfaction?
If you had to choose ONE of those- which?

If you are going to spend 3 years re-training to earn £18 (already with a PhD) that seems a bit silly.

You could use those 3 years to re-train in something else and even work part time while you studied. There are loads and loads of courses (degrees and professional training) that are online or distance learning, allowing the students to work - and £18k is what I'd consider a p/t income.

Think outside the box a bit. If you need £x for your family outgoings, you might be able to earn that by working p/t in a shop, cafe, carer....all sort of stuff- while studying as well.

What's missing here are your long term goals. if that's earning £18K doing something you love, great. If in 3 years you will not be happy and moaning about your income, don't do it.

Forget for the moment about thinking of a 'job' and what you could do. Think about your values and what you want out of life for your next 20 years.

You say you enjoyed teaching but not the admin. Would supply cover supervisor work for you as a higher rate of pay as you retrain? I did a year of supply (qualified teacher) and it was so much easier than having a long term teaching job. No planning, no marking, actually stroll out at school end. Easy :). And as a science specialist I was in huge demand.

Oh and as supply you could pick your hours around whatever course you choose

If you're capable of getting a science PhD then you're capable of accountancy training OP. Firms will pay you to do the qualifications on the job. Have you considered that ? Worth looking into.

Thankyou for the advice It's very much appreciated. I need to make a decision in the next few weeks but I am so stressed about it.

I KNOW I could do so much more but my work history is erratic.

I have no clue what else I could do. I tried really hard to get a job when I was a sahm but floundered at every interview. This job is at a place I've worked part time on and off for 20 years. DO says I should be able to find a job more easily now I have a job. I am highly regarded by my immediate bosses but now they have sold out I don't feel valued which isn't helping with my self esteem issues.

Dp wants me to defer for ANOTHER year in the hope I find something else but then it's even later. I am hopeful he gets agency work and brings in regular money.

The trouble is I can DO my job and I'm good at it. I don't get anxious doing my job but at home my anxiety is terrible. I am 8 month off Ads and determined to stay off them but just now I feel like I'm imploding what with my job. Money. Dd1 and my elderly difficult unwell mother I'm struggling.

My job has a lot going for it. Definitely vocational (but hugely undervalued - I'm sure some of you can guess) and 5 minutes walk from my front door. A higher paid job would require a commute (a whole new set of issues . I don't drive). I work 40 hours over 4 days with one weekend in 6 (yes still only 18k in the south east) and am exhausted.

I just want to feel secure and like the future isn't a scary place. I don't want posh holidays. We camp and I LOVE it. Life isn't all bad. I love my job but feel I should be earning/achieving more.

You need to talk to a professional career coach, invest a bit of time in yourself and find a way forward. look at the website of the Association for Coaching or CoachU to find qualified coaches.

I'm on meds for life, I learned not to bother coming off
They let me be me
I'm no longer horrified at being on them for life
I'm happy....it's kind of shocking, I almost don't want to jinx it typing that.

I'm a bit unclear re the job. Is the best financial option to carry on where you are? I can't see the point in paying to retrain for £18k but this depends on yout £ situation really.

LEMtheoriginal, what is your PhD in? You say science but that covers a lot! You can PM me if you like. I suspect you're great but have run out of ideas about what to do, or wh8ch direction to go in to make a change?

Bobbin it's in fruit fly genetics (totally outs self to anyone who might know me!)

Isn't a career coach a bit wanky - in a life coach sort of way? Genuinely??or is it worth a go? I've NO IDEA what to do with my cv.