Split with EXH at Christmas, he had an affair and left me. Total shock for our children, they had no idea it was coming, he literally sat them down and told him he was leaving. DCs are 9 and 7.
DD(9) was hysterical, full on screaming, begging him to stay etc. Has struggled to deal with it at times since but always opens up to me and talks it through, we have spent hours and hours talking and it definitely helps her even though I have no answers really to her questions but I try.
DS(7) was initially upset but soon got over it, I knew at the time it was far too quick and that he wasn't really processing it. He's much quieter than DD but I know it's all ticking away inside his head. He does talk about stuff but not for long and nowhere near as deeply as DD does.
Anyway, they're in a good routine of seeing Ex, they stay with him 3 nights out of 14 and have a close relationship with him. Always happy to go to his, happy when they come back mainly although DS started playing up a bit when they came home about 2 months ago. Nothing major, just being clingy at bedtime and would want to have me to himself for a bit, sometimes engineering an argument with his sister to get attention etc. As soon as I became aware that this was what he was doing I tried to accommodate his needs and would head it off before it began by having some time alone with him so he didn't feel the need to create a situation just to get me alone. All going reasonably well at this point.
On Monday, I had to tell the children that the marital home (which we are still living in) is going to have to be sold. We've only been here just over a year and it was a big deal to them moving here in the first place as they'd always lived in the same house until that point and didn't want to move. But, they settled well and love it here. We have an enormous garden and they spend all their time out there climbing trees and building dens. Wherever we end up moving to won't have anything like they have here and they know that. DD did her usual, major dramatics and hysterics (3hr long meltdown, threatening never to see Ex ever again because she thinks it's all his fault) but got it all out of her system and has been quite pragmatic about it. She has spent a lot of time talking to me about her worries and is dealing with it ok. DS on the other hand, cried then went outside and kicked everything in sight. He has been so angry ever since, his anger has been increasing lately anyway - mainly in his reactions to petty arguments with his sister, he will quickly go from nothing to crying with rage - but this week it has gone off the scale.
Yesterday, it culminated in the mother of all meltdowns. As usual, it started with a petty argument over which of them were going to tidy away the toys they had both been playing with. DS felt he should only put away the toys he had actually got off the shelf, regardless of whether or not he had played with them. I didn't agree with this, he wasn't budging though. He refused to come out of the room he was in to do so, repeatedly telling me 'no'. I did eventually get him to go to his room to calm down, he was already very angry at this point. Once I'd left him for a while I went in to see him and calmly explained that he needed to come and help tidy up. Again, he refused but was crying and shouting at me so I removed his iPod and told him he could have it back when he'd tidied up.
This was like a red rag to a bull and all hell broke loose. I tried not to engage, just repeated that he could have it back when he'd done as I asked. It just escalated from there, he was beside himself and I've never seen him like he was. He was red in the face, tears just streaming out of his eyes without any sobbing as such, just pure rage. He did somehow manage to tidy up amidst much shouting that he hates his life and everybody in it. DD was crying by this point too as she was so shocked by what was happening.
At one point I grabbed him and sat him on my lap and tried to just cuddle him in close whilst calmly telling him it was ok, I was there and I would hold him and help him calm down but he was screaming that I was hurting him - I definitely wasn't, I loosened my grip and was barely making contact - and he got away. I was crying too by this point as his behaviour scared me, he was hitting out at me and I didn't know how to handle it. He managed to grab his iPod out of my pocket and ran off to his room with it.
I rang my best friend just to ask for advice and she talked me through and calmed me down. I went to talk to DS and explained how this can't continue, look at what it had escalated into and that it wasn't acceptable. I didn't remove his iPod as I knew it would kick off again so calmly told him if he gave it to me then he could have it back after 24hrs. If I had to take it from him then he would lose it for a week. He ranted about it but eventually handed it over.
I then had to try and get some food into him as they were being picked up shortly by ex to stay at his for the night. DS didn't really want to eat but picked at it, I sat down next to him and spoke to him about what had happened and he totally broke down. He said how he likes going to his dad's but wants me to go there with him too. He wants us to get back together, he hates having 2 houses...all the usual stuff. He desperately doesn't want to move. It's like everything he has been feeling for the past 8 months is now coming out and I don't know how to deal with it
Ex told me on Weds that he would speak to the children about the house move when they went to his that night. He didn't do it, claiming they were fine and happy at his and didn't want to upset them. I can't help feeling that his refusal to broach the issue (and he's done this before, when DD was struggling after he left he promised to talk to her but didn't bother), is down to feeling guilty that he has caused this and I'm certain it's because he can't deal with seeing them upset. He is extremely emotionally stunted himself so it's no surprise to me.
However, I feel that by him ignoring what's going on in their lives it's like he's separating their two worlds even further. Like 'you're upset at home but here you're ok' kind of thing? He's invalidating their feelings by ignoring the fact he knows they're upset about something - they know he knows - yet doesn't even mention it. Neither DC like talking to him about things, I don't really know why though.
I just don't know how to help my children through this. They've gone from happy, easy going children to, quite frankly, pretty fucked up children. I'm scared for them and for myself too as I don't feel confident enough in my parenting abilities to know the best way of dealing with this. Things are so acrimonious between ex and I, mostly due to difficulties with the divorce, and I feel he's just watching me and waiting to take the children off me. He has levelled all sorts at me about my capability to parent, all of which is bollocks, but it's at the back of my mind constantly when trying to deal with their behaviour.
There is an excellent family support worker at their school who has offered to get involved but neither child will agree to see her. They say they don't want to speak about it to anyone - I've tried and tried. They both know that I've been having therapy since the start of all this and that it helps me to talk it through with someone but even so, it's a firm no from them. I feel I have no choice though and will need one get her involved when they go back in September.
Please help me find a way through this, they are back from their dad's this evening and I want to start from today. I told DS before he left that tonight would be a fresh start with no repercussions from yesterday. I need to find a way where I don't give in to him but it cannot escalate like it did yesterday, it was insane and if I had neighbours then I'm certain SS would be on my doorstep tomorrow morning!
Sorry it's so long. Didn't want to drip feed.