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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son in law was NOT being inappropriate?

74 replies

nanatobetobe · 12/08/2017 19:42

I went to our village fete today with my lovely DD, 10 month DGS and SIL. There were lots of kiddie activities and a large ringed off area where different events were taking place throughout the day I.e dog show. When it wasn't being used the kids were using it as a play area. We were sitting just alongside it. A football came into our little space so SIL licked it back to a group of young lads, it came back to us so he kicked it back again, it came back to us, this time with a lot of force so my SiL did a very theatrical dive, rolled over and got up clutching his leg to much hilarity from the group of boys.

This then developed into a free for all with my SIL being ever more inventive in his 'dives'. More kids joined in and some started diving on top of him as he fell down. He then became a 'monster' chasing the kids around. More dad's joined in and it evolved into a game of British bulldog (I'm showing my age here) until even the event announcer was getting the crowd to cheer on the 2 sides, adults and children.

However throughout this my DD was getting increasingly annoyed, she told me to stop encouraging her DH and when I asked why she said it wasn't appropriate for him to be playing with children he didn't know.

To my mind it was a lovely afternoon with lots of camaraderie between people who didn't know each other before (lots of high fives) and really great fun. My DD went to SIL and pulled him away. He sort of sheepishly came to sit down while the fun and games continued. I spoke to them both afterwards but my DD is adamant that it could have been misconstrued and he should not have let it 'get out of hand'.

Really? I'm a bit bemused as can't see why it is such an issue. Have things really come to this? So, mumsnetters what do you think?

OP posts:

InvisibleCities · 12/08/2017 20:20

what a pleasant change to hear a grand parent siding with the in-law rather than automatically taking DD's side

You must be fairly new to this site

stella23 · 12/08/2017 20:26

She's sounds quite controlling, what would have happened if he hadn't have sat down?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2017 20:28

Does she admonish him like this regularly? Is she controlling? Because that's a sure fire way to lose a good man quickly.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/08/2017 20:30

"A football came into our little space so SIL licked it back"

Sorry I know it was a typo but I now have a mental image of your son in-law with his tongue hanging out!

SabineUndine · 12/08/2017 20:31

Blimey. In public with all their mums and dads present? I don't see the problem. Was your DD worried or irritated is the question really.

Batoutahell · 12/08/2017 20:36

OP I suspect your dd is angry about something else and the 'inappropriate' talk today was just her irritated at him.

My guess (totally and utterly unsubstantiated) is that he ignores her at home and isn't terribly nice and friendly to her but then is the life and soul in front of everyone else and she's so angry seeing him be all 'cool' and lively and 'perfect' in front of a crowd.

Just a guess, may be way off.

squoosh · 12/08/2017 20:41

That's certainly a big guess based on not a whole lot.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 20:44

Wtf?

Original poster

nanatobetobe · 12/08/2017 20:46

I think she was just worried about what the parents would think, a stranger jumping around and being silly with their kids. But I said if anyone had an issue surely they would pull their kids away. I think she did relax a bit once she saw all the others joining in and she did apologise afterwards to him. Although he didn't seem too bothered, it was me that just thought it was an over reaction.
Since my DGS has been born I can see so much had changed and every new mum seems so anxious, I.e hand gel before touching baby, movement and sound monitors in cot. It's so different from when mine were babies. It's a wonder we ever survived 😄

OP posts:

chips4teaplease · 12/08/2017 20:47

My guess is she's more aware of safeguarding issues than is her husband. Or her mother. Leave her alone, she's right.

Batoutahell · 12/08/2017 20:50

Yeah, that's why I said totally and utterly unsubstantiated.

I've been there with an ex. So that's where my guess came from. But like I said unsubstantiated for these individuals. I just think that the messing itself was unlikely the reason, but it was the trigger, so look behind that a bit more rather than assuming she's controlling or a jerk.

gingergenius · 12/08/2017 20:51

Your description of the afternoons antics made me want to join in! I'm sorry your dd found it difficult, and anxiety can make such situations difficult but your son in law was not out of order and it sounded like a brilliant afternoon.

lazydog · 12/08/2017 20:51

Batoutahell - Or the poor guy could just be like my dh, who is really friendly and outgoing, whilst also being a great and attentive husband, and totally hands-on dad.

He would have been exactly the same as the SiL in that scenario, whilst I (introvert) would have been utterly cringing inside at the irrational thought that what he was doing might be drawing attention to me, too.

But I've been with dh for 25 years and he's never been any different. I love his fun nature and know that my dislike of most people any attention shouldn't be allowed to stop him from being confident and spontanious.

I'm under no illusions that constantly worrying what people might think is far from ideal, and definitely not something that should be imposed on him or our kids, just because I'm that way.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/08/2017 20:51

YANBU. Sounds like it was a great time and she had to ruin it for him. Why didn't he tell her no, he was playing?

Let's not make wild speculative comments on their relationship so this can be turned around into being the man at fault.

lazydog · 12/08/2017 20:53

Sorry bat - was writing that essay while you added subsequent posts.

lazydog · 12/08/2017 20:57

nanatobetobe - Is there any chance that your daughter is suffering from more than her normal baseline level of anxiety? I had extreme PND that manifested far more in anxiety than depression, and wasn't diagnosed until my ds was over a year old.

Batoutahell · 12/08/2017 20:58

I'm not saying the man was at fault at all, just offering another possibility.

My ex was abusive and surly and snappy at home, I was always walking on eggshells. When we were out he was open and lively and the life and soul. When he was really getting into it and everyone around was saying 'he's such craic isn't he' 'what a great guy with kids' I'd be so angry and would want it to stop so would sometimes get moody and pick on something unreasonable for why I didn't like his antics only to be told 'ah, he's just having fun'.

It's probably not the case here, her behaviour just rang a bell for me and I though the theory was worth considering. Most likely wrong, only she knows why she was being so uptight about his harmless behaviour.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/08/2017 21:03

Batoutahell - Or the poor guy could just be like my dh, who is really friendly and outgoing, whilst also being a great and attentive husband, and totally hands-on dad.

Which is exactly how my DH is too.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/08/2017 21:04

"We are southerners" That explains it. Witnessing such gregarious behaviour for the first time must be hard for your daughter.

I think your SiL needs to try to adjust more to Southerner culture. Have him participate in some of your cultural rituals like voting Tory and avoiding eye contact- he'll soon get the hang of how to behave.

RandomDent · 12/08/2017 21:08

DonQuixote :o Don't forget eating dry chips only.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 12/08/2017 21:09

mumof56 that's ridiculous. Odd that your posts only seem to be unhelpful ones. I noticed on another thread too.

Original poster

nanatobetobe · 12/08/2017 21:15

I can assure you I have never voted Tory! I would also assume (sincerely hope) neither has my DD. I would disown her for that 😩

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 12/08/2017 21:16

"DonQuixote grin Don't forget eating dry chips only."

Yeah, I wouldn't make him do too much too soon; taking the poor bugger's gravy away, on top of the rest of it, might break him.

Original poster

nanatobetobe · 12/08/2017 21:20

Oh but he does love gravy on everything!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 12/08/2017 21:20

YANBU.
Also, how nice for a MiL to agree with her "dc-in-law" over her own child - very unusual on MN.

Your dd's reaction does seem odd. She may be introverted, but that doesn't mean she should be curtailing her dh's fun and "extrovertism", just as he wasn't making her get up and join him in his extrovertism.

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