AIBU to leave this relationship

[Juliewhitstable85]

Ok. So this is going to be a long one but here goes.

I've been with my children's father for almost 11 years, we have 3 children together. From the start things haven't really been the greatest. No money, been without gas and electric on occasions in the start of the relationship. For the most part he has worked but does have a weed habit. For what he's providing he would never leave us with nothing but for the first 7 years or so we were on a tight budget to accommodate the said habit. There has been many many occasions where I have been left pregnant and he's decided to not come home (spending his time out drinking with friends). I have to say for the most part he is so moany!! Can't make noise and everything grates on him. He's always said me and the kids are the reason he smokes because we are very stressful which I know we are, I'm hot headed and at best hard work and our children are maniacs, right little so and so's. I spent a lot of time home with no socialising and barley a pot to piss in if I'm honest, could only dream of having a car, nice home etc etc.

Fast forward a bit. I managed to get myself out of that lifestyle through education, completed my diploma in law and followed through to university and gained my degree. Throughout this period I got myself an amazing job which paid a lot which in turn got my fancy car, moved home and managed to buy everything I needed here by myself (carpets furniture etc) not too bad. I have been in an on and off relationship with the children's father for as I say 11 years (mostly on) 11 months out of 12 he's here. apart from when he used to do his disappearing acts. I don't mean to sound big headed but I know I have all I own through myself and am now quite keen on my image (hair make up etc etc) through the years I've grown better, more independent and openminded and met so many amazing lovely people.

I had kind of distanced myself from my family through the years (nothing to do with them, more me) I have recently spent more and more time with them as they own a business and I've started doing some hours there to help out, it's been fantastic!

Earlier this year I booked a holiday (without him when we were split) then he later booked on. Holiday cost in total was £8,000. He paid £1,000 towards this but fair enough he didn't have time to save as it was about a month before that I agreed he could come along with us. This holiday was a nightmare, he done nothing but moan (due to lack of weed) and even to the point of slapping one of our children (7 years old) across the face. I was furious and vowed when I got back I'd leave him for good.

We got back from holiday and all wasn't too bad, he's been "trying" been working, been good with the kids and waits on me literally hand and foot!! However, he knows I don't want to be with him and he has nowhere else to go. Officially we are not together (sleeps downstairs) until he finds somewhere.

Since being back I've needed his financial support (rent bills etc) which while he's here he needs to put in and can't really save up for a deposit or anything. He has really really stepped up and I know he loves me dearly and would do anything for me, at this point in time I could potentially be happy with him however- For the past two months there has been someone else.

A part of me feels like I'm cheating!! Although we are not together in that way. (No we have not been intimate but I really feel feel like I could with this man) Hes lovely, no drugs, no drink just a happy man who I really enjoy being around although it's rare because I don't want the children's father to know about him as it would kill him, deeply.

I'm just lost in what to do, although now he's stepping up to the mark so to speak and we could potentially work things out and work well together I just don't know if I'm wasting time and he will go back to his usual moany self (would never ever go on holiday with him again just for the record). Then I'd end up wasting more years! He does still smoke but has cut down tons!

I don't think there is a right or wrong way for me to go but I feel so snappy all the time and I take things out on him which for now he's brushing off, not sure if he is the one for me and I am pushing him away or if that I just need to be alone. It's a really up/down point in my life.

-also just to mention, the job I had has now ended, which I was aware it would as it was a 2 year contact and I am now trying to find another job but what with summer hols etc it's on hold.

Should I try and save an 11 year relationship or be hard and walk away from it. I'm not sure if I'd be right out of my comfort zone and totally balls up my whole life.

WTF are you doing even thinking about this? Weed is so important to him he'd see his kids go without for it, he moans, he slaps your child, he sounds awful. If he hasn't changed in 11 years, why would he change now? Meanwhile you've dug yourself out of your hole, you've worked hard and done well, you've met a lovely bloke - you could be so happy. Don't let guilt/history/misplaced loyalties hold you back.

Can't add much to what Hassled said. Sounds like you've outgrown the relationship and he is holding you back.

I would move on.

It's a tough one. I'm in similar situation minus other man but I keep ploughing on hoping things improve. The weed is a big issue (here as well) I myself can't imagine how an adult can allow themselves to be dependant on drugs and hope to be a good partner and role model. I'm not anti drugs, I'm anti dependency.

It sounds to be like you're on your own already. Who looks after the kids when you work? Him or you? If him are you resenting him for being the one who gets to spend time with the kids while you work? (Or is that my issue ).

If you end it it has to be bc he's not right for you, not bc the other guy sounds better.

I got to Weed and for the most part has worked and thought why are you with this bellend. Then I see he slapped poor DC round the face. How could you be with him after that?! Did you report him to the police?! You're doing your DC no favours. LTB. You know that the only option. Why the fuck would you stay with him?!

At the moment when I work he has the children as I work only in the evenings on the weekend. During the week he is at work and I have th children. It's so hard because I know he's not a bad man, over the latter part of the relationship he has lost his friends due to smoking where he would rather be in. He has isolated himself and as time has gone on its apparent his friends aren't too great, either addicts or in jail. I do think he's done well in that aspect the both of us came from absolutely nothing and in a strange kind of way have done well given what we were like when we did first meet. Out relationship did involve a lot of alcohol but for me that changed when our first child was born.

It's tough because deep down I know he's a good man. At the start he was the strong one and had me wrapped around his finger, but I grew up and it changed. Now I have him here and I know he dotes on me and I just don't know if I'd be wrong to go and be by myself and see what else is out there. In fairness, I can do what I like, he has no problem with me going out, I do have a life and I enjoy the social part now. It's like we've switched roles in that aspect

I for now have stayed because I know he done what he done to our child on holiday because of the weed. I know that's no proper excuse but he does have a habit (he did last year go to seek help but it wasn't suited, was in a room with heroin aditcts and it just wasn't right) they told him cannabis wasn't an addictive drug which I can assure you it is!

Him without it is awful, I'd rather be standing in the raid than be in his company when he isn't smoking. When he's smoking he's actually quite pleasant as awful as it sounds!!

He has really really stepped up and I know he loves me dearly and would do anything for me,

He slapped your child! He ruined your holiday!

He would not do anything for you. He is doing anything to reel you back in

I purposefully haven't read anything other than the title. No one is ever unreasonable for leaving a relationship that they are not happy in. That said, bar abuse, I would fight tooth and nail for my marriage.

You spent £8000 on a holiday when you knew your job was ending, to the point you now need him to help pay the bills?
He has hit your child, he hangs around with addicts and jailbirds and you don'tknow if you should end it.
You are off your head missus.

You say he isn't a bad man but he is. He slapped your dc across the face, is a drug addict and so are most of his friends - those who aren't in jail that is - and he prioritises weed over providing for his family. I'm sorry but he is not a keeper, you may have history and children together but that doesn't mean you have to stay together.

The holiday was a once in a lifetime which I knew I possibly couldn't afford at another point (Disney) I knew what I was getting myself into but at their ages I didn't want to pass it up. My situation is temporary, I still have another job but my income is so much less than I'm used to, I know I'm off my head for doing it but my only regret was taking him :)

He slapped your child. Round the face.

That should be reason enough to leave.

And just for the record, like I said, he has slowly isolated himself away from these so called friends. They are and will mostly be a thing of the passed.

I know about hitting our child and I don't excuse it. It's so hard to put on here but I do understand the way he is when he hasn't been smoking. The situation with our child occurred like this----

Our children had run off to back to the hotel room and we were walking slowly along the corridor. They jumped out and did scare us, (my thought is I'd have done that same at their age) his naturally ractaion was to slap, I don't excuse it at all, even now writing about it makes my blood boil. He said it was his natural reaction- argh. I know that sounds mega shit but I can't change what happened. When I think of incidenents like that I would run!! But it's now a shitty situation as since we've been back I can't fault him (been back 5 months).

And in terms of my direct finances, it's not the end of the world, it would be tough but that wouldn't ever be the reason I'd stay with him.

I just came here for advise and to see if anyone was in something similar-- after all there's nothing new under the sun

Can you actually read what you are typing?

He slapped your child, but thats only because he hadnt had his weed.

There is so much wrong with that sentance.

Has he actually given up smoking the weed and is he likely to stay off it? If he would do anything for you - why won't he do this for good?
Yes weed is addictive but many people I know who smoked it 24/7 just gave it up. I did too. I woke up one day and said no more. yes it was hard for a few weeks but my life was and still is so much better for doing so.

Must add though I have never slapped a child because I didn't have any. In fact I am a much less moody parent without it.

I am aware of what I'm typing and it's really difficult to show the inns and outs of it all.

He does still smoke it, still addicted but has cut down to almost half of what it used to be

No its not difficult l.

You booked and paid for a holiday of a life time. He ruined it. And then he slapped your child.

Thats it. He assaulted your child and steals any joy you have.

I think you need to get rid of the first one before you even spend any time thinking about the second. He slapped a 7 year old around the face and does drugs because YOU are stressful?!? Please. Get rid and spend some time alone with your children.

You do nothing but make excuses for this man. Your rationalisation of the slapping is pathetic. No, a child being a child and jumping out is NOT an excuse to slap them around the face. My kids do this to me and whilst I don't like it, me slapping them in the face would not in any way be an appropriate response.

Just leave him already. He sounds like a waste of space. I doubt you actually will though given how you put up with everything else and have shown that when it comes to it, you will stick with him even when he gets violent towards a child.

He slapped your kid across the face! He hit your kid! He hot your kid!

Never mind about who earns what, who is moany, who is stressed, whether you like this other man. He hit your kid. Why are you still with him rather than... erm.... Going to the police and having him arrested for assault?

First day back at school:-

"Did you have a good holiday Fred?"
"Sort of - we went to Disney but Daddy hit me in the face."
"Oh no! What did mummy do?"
"Mummy said it wasn't Daddy's fault - he needed his weed."

What do you think the teacher will do at that point? Say "oh well - never mind - did you,get to see Mickey Mouse?"

All of the above plus the fact that you would never go on holiday with him again. What sort of relationship is that?

Concentrate on co-parenting well and getting a new job. He won't change much, it's a fact that people rarely do and since he's cut down, not quit his drug habit he will increase again as soon as the going gets tough. And that will be your fault, you know that?

You should leave him. You have history, I get that, but him behaving well towards you now doesn't undo who he is and how he has behaved. He doesn't respect you and you owe him nothing.

Do you want this for the rest of your life, bouncing between "OK" and "awful" depending on his moods and the availability of decent weed?

And have you considered the reason your children are little so and so 's is because they live in a world where their boundaries constantly change.

Give yourself a chance instead of him.

I think he realises this is actually the end, and he is taking it very seriously for now.....but once you are back in the fold I am not sure his behaviour change is long term.

I am sorry but I would not want this in my life, I definitely would not want my dc to grow up around this. It is toxic. I am not sure after all this time he will change if I am honest. You could move him out, give him six months to be clean and take it from there, but I wouldn't have him near my children for sure. You have to be really careful that ss do not spot this and get involved.....so just think about your kids as you have done, and get him out of your life for now, so you can think about it clearly.