Ok. So this is going to be a long one but here goes.
I've been with my children's father for almost 11 years, we have 3 children together. From the start things haven't really been the greatest. No money, been without gas and electric on occasions in the start of the relationship. For the most part he has worked but does have a weed habit. For what he's providing he would never leave us with nothing but for the first 7 years or so we were on a tight budget to accommodate the said habit. There has been many many occasions where I have been left pregnant and he's decided to not come home (spending his time out drinking with friends). I have to say for the most part he is so moany!! Can't make noise and everything grates on him. He's always said me and the kids are the reason he smokes because we are very stressful which I know we are, I'm hot headed and at best hard work and our children are maniacs, right little so and so's. I spent a lot of time home with no socialising and barley a pot to piss in if I'm honest, could only dream of having a car, nice home etc etc.
Fast forward a bit. I managed to get myself out of that lifestyle through education, completed my diploma in law and followed through to university and gained my degree. Throughout this period I got myself an amazing job which paid a lot which in turn got my fancy car, moved home and managed to buy everything I needed here by myself (carpets furniture etc) not too bad. I have been in an on and off relationship with the children's father for as I say 11 years (mostly on) 11 months out of 12 he's here. apart from when he used to do his disappearing acts. I don't mean to sound big headed but I know I have all I own through myself and am now quite keen on my image (hair make up etc etc) through the years I've grown better, more independent and openminded and met so many amazing lovely people.
I had kind of distanced myself from my family through the years (nothing to do with them, more me) I have recently spent more and more time with them as they own a business and I've started doing some hours there to help out, it's been fantastic!
Earlier this year I booked a holiday (without him when we were split) then he later booked on. Holiday cost in total was £8,000. He paid £1,000 towards this but fair enough he didn't have time to save as it was about a month before that I agreed he could come along with us. This holiday was a nightmare, he done nothing but moan (due to lack of weed) and even to the point of slapping one of our children (7 years old) across the face. I was furious and vowed when I got back I'd leave him for good.
We got back from holiday and all wasn't too bad, he's been "trying" been working, been good with the kids and waits on me literally hand and foot!! However, he knows I don't want to be with him and he has nowhere else to go. Officially we are not together (sleeps downstairs) until he finds somewhere.
Since being back I've needed his financial support (rent bills etc) which while he's here he needs to put in and can't really save up for a deposit or anything. He has really really stepped up and I know he loves me dearly and would do anything for me, at this point in time I could potentially be happy with him however- For the past two months there has been someone else.
A part of me feels like I'm cheating!! Although we are not together in that way. (No we have not been intimate but I really feel feel like I could with this man) Hes lovely, no drugs, no drink just a happy man who I really enjoy being around although it's rare because I don't want the children's father to know about him as it would kill him, deeply.
I'm just lost in what to do, although now he's stepping up to the mark so to speak and we could potentially work things out and work well together I just don't know if I'm wasting time and he will go back to his usual moany self (would never ever go on holiday with him again just for the record). Then I'd end up wasting more years! He does still smoke but has cut down tons!
I don't think there is a right or wrong way for me to go but I feel so snappy all the time and I take things out on him which for now he's brushing off, not sure if he is the one for me and I am pushing him away or if that I just need to be alone. It's a really up/down point in my life.
-also just to mention, the job I had has now ended, which I was aware it would as it was a 2 year contact and I am now trying to find another job but what with summer hols etc it's on hold.
Should I try and save an 11 year relationship or be hard and walk away from it. I'm not sure if I'd be right out of my comfort zone and totally balls up my whole life.