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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Utterly fucked off with exdp's selfishness.

33 replies

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 08:37

Exdp has always been a bit of a shit, although I couldn't see it at first. We were together for 5 years and he was frequently emotionally, physically and financially abusive (he brokes laptops before deadlines for assignments, strangled me, hit me, called me a fat bitch while battling ED). He also fathered two children before our DD, which he denied and abandoned. I didn't find this out until DD was around 1.

I'm now happy and settled with DD and a new DP who is wonderful and supportive and I have honestly never been happier. We are finally financially and emotionally stable and DD doesn't live in a house full of tension.

HOWEVER we're still having major problems with ex. At points he has gone months without paying any maintenance. He makes promises to DD that he doesn't keep. He was meant to have her yesterday, but said he was ill which I was sympathetic about at first. He also said he couldn't pay me for two weeks as he had taken holiday that he hadn't accrued or something? Fair enough, slip ups happen.

I then looked on Facebook, and he has taken his new girlfriend out for the evening, so clearly not as poor or ill as he is suggesting. He also has form for buying new xboxes, games, clothes, tattoos, piercings when he has been pleading poverty.

His girlfriend is heavily pregnant. They must have conceived a couple of weeks into their relationship. My point is he doesn't put enough effort in for DD now, so when his new dc is born I really fear for her. I checked the netflix account one time when she was at his, and she had been watching for 4 out of the 6 hours he had her.

She is 4 and she never wants to sleep over at his, as she says she doesn't feel safe, and the biggest issue is that every time she comes back from his, she is upset because his girlfriend ignores her and plays on her phone the whole time. No interactions whatsoever apart from a "hello".

Sorry this is so disordered, I'm just so angry and upset for DD and don't know what I can do.

OP posts:
sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 08:39

I don't understand why you'd allow your child to visit an abusers home.

sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 08:39

If anything were to happen to her you'd be just as responsible because you know what he's like but still gave him access to your DD.

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 08:40

Because he's nevet abused her and she loves him to pieces. I get a lot of pressure as well from DM and others to "not be one of those mums" who keeps their child away from their dad.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 12/08/2017 08:42

I think the best thing you can do is support her and let contact die. A child needs stability and he won't provide that.

Is there any way you can get in touch with her other siblings so she can build a relationship with them? Not to replace her sperm donor but to give her alternative (hopefully) positive relationships and an extended family.

sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 08:42

He doesn't abuse her... just abused you, so that's fine.
Doesn't pay for her, doesn't engage with her (4 hours of Netflix you said?) and allows his DP to ignore her.
Your DD says she DOESNT FEEL SAFE.

'One of those mums' that you don't want to be is better than one of those mums who puts their child in those situations.

DoristheNovice · 12/08/2017 08:43

I'm usually all for children seeing their father if there's a family split, but quite honestly in this case your DD should be going nowhere near this man. Sometimes no contact is better than on/off contact when he can be arsed.

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 08:46

I want to cut contact, honestly, I just worry about going through courts etc. I still feel slightly controlled by him as well. I wouldn't know where to start.

OP posts:
sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 08:47

Seek advice from a family lawyer, they give 30 minutes free.

Booboobooboo84 · 12/08/2017 08:49

Rather than cutting the contact could you let it die out. So it's up to him to organise it and if he doesn't then he doesn't get it?

I would also stop telling her he's going to see her to manage her disappointment. Usually I'd say be honest with her so there is no later resentment but she already doesn't want to sleep over and feels unsafe so I don't think his lack of interest needs reinforcing

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 08:53

I feel like letting it die out would probably be best, although we've tried this. He shows interest for a day then goes off the radar for a week or more. Never asks about how she's doing, never asks for pictures. He doesn't even know her. He bought her presents for her birthday and christmas she has no interest in. And I forgot, he lets her watch deadpool and american dad. And then I have to be the boring parent.

OP posts:
sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 08:54

So what's the point of continuing contact?

OverOn · 12/08/2017 08:57

You could let contact die out - let him organise and suggest dates, stop asking him when he wants her, accept that he won't pay maintenance and either find a way to live without it or get an attachment order to get it straight from his employer.

I would not usually suggest letting contact slide but this man is about to have his fourth DC and is clearly not bothered about giving any of his existing DC his time and effort. It won't get better when the new baby is here and your poor DD will feel even more unloved by him.

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 09:02

I know, I just feel so sad for DD. She's excited for her "baby brother" and I feel like screaming that this won't be anything like having a sibling, though of course I can't.
I tried telling ex that his dp was ignoring dd and I'd had her crying about it, and he accused our nearly 5 year old, very eloquent, very perceptive dd of lying.

Luckily, my new dp loves her as if she were his own, and is a positive male role model for her. Interestingly, she says her parents are me and dp. Her df is an afterthought.

OP posts:
incogKNEEto · 12/08/2017 09:04

I have an xh just like this. I would stop trying to encourage contact at the least and do as sorority says and seek some legal advice about it so you have confidence in yourself about standing up to him.

Also open a case via CMS for child maintenance. If he was violent and abusive to you you shouldn't have to pay any start up fee, and you can ask for collect and pay so they deal with all of it for you.

Finally, do not expect him to change, my dd is 17 now and l divorced xh when she was 3, and now she has no contact with him by her own choice. His neglect, lack of care and inadequate parenting have had a massive effect on her self esteem, l wish l hadn't tried to be the reasonable one for all those years now Sad.

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 09:13

@incogkneeto

I'm sorry to hear your daughter suffered as a result of her father's neglect Sad

This is my fear. I am forever trying to be the bigger person, but I can't do it forever.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 12/08/2017 09:24

Sororitynoise - Because if the op stops, he could take her to court for contact and then it would be carved in rock. Although he sounds pretty demotivated, it could happen.

And before you say so, no the courts will not stop contact unless you can prove that your former partner poses a serious risk to your child. My gs who lives with me is forced to attend eow contact with his father who had already attacked a schoolboy, has convictions for abh etc. Whilst it may start off supervised, it is always the slippery slope to unsupervised contact.

Since he "won" his contact (whilst smirking at me) he has moved into the big league with a further conviction for grievous bodily harm. He then took me back to court for threatening to stop contact. Yes really. End of rant.

Op, stop trying so hard. I can see that you are doing it for the benefit of your dd but it is hurting her rather than enhancing her young life. I think things will die out naturally but always be prepared for his return. Financially, just go to the CMS. Whilst they are poor, if he stops he will have to go on collect and pay which will cost him an uplift of 20%

I did not have to pay the start up fee because the police had installed a panic alarm in my home.

Time to stop him interfering with your happiness and move on.

Janeismymiddlename · 12/08/2017 09:29

What Elsie said. There is really little in what the OP has said that would deter a court from ordering regular contact. The being scared thing would likely be investigated by CAFCASS but unless it's based on something concrete, it won't go anywhere.

The court system supports the abuse of women and children in these situations. It should be a national scandal but like the non-payment of maintenance it is perceived (incorrectly)to only really impact on single mums and no one gives a shit about us.

DownTownAbbey · 12/08/2017 09:31

Have you seen Deadpool?! I watched it recently with some friends in their forties who were cringing at the violence.

That alone would make me stop contact.

Write everything down in case he kicks up a stink but he's abandoned other children so it would be odd if he pursued it. Consider getting SS involved. Stop dancing to this twat's tune.

PenSylvester · 12/08/2017 09:40

This is what I worry about re: court.
I have seen deadpool, yes. I was horrified and told him this but he said "she wanted to watch it" Hmm

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2017 09:49

See a family solicitor, if for nothing else other than the fact youve felt youve had to do that. Hopefully get some good legal advice. Personally i wpuldnt be encouraging contact and would be filling the void of shit father with valuable family time.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/08/2017 10:03

Given that he clearly doesn't care about any of DC at all, just ignore him till he goes away.
In a year or two he will have abandoned the current GF and her baby, at which point you might find your DD gets to have a relationship with her half-brother after all (the GF is probably, like you were, being convinced by this scumbag man that only she understands him and all his previous partners were crazy witches.)

sonjadog · 12/08/2017 10:08

I suggest letting contact die out rather than stopping. When this new baby arrives, he'll probably disappear anyway.

sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 10:09

I don't get the fear of the courts ordering contact over you taking control of the safety of your child. Doing nothing in case he requests access is cowardly and allowing of his treatment of your DD.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/08/2017 10:20

Leave him to arrange contact, then tell him DD can't make that day due to a birthday party/day out with Granny/whatever, keep doing that. Between that and the new baby hopefully he'll just end up not having contact.

Then after a while if he calls tell him he's too unreliable and needs to go back to court if he wants contact with DD. I doubt he'll bother.

DD will be upset, but she's upset now.

Booboobooboo84 · 12/08/2017 10:35

There's a myth that children need contact with both parents to thrive. It's simply not true what they need is contact with loving supportive parents. Your exdp isn't one and you know in your heart of hearts that he is never going to be the father your daughter deserves. So just let him slip away. If he goes to court for contact well fantastic that shows he wants it and it's on him. But he won't. Get an attachment of earnings though

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