I need advice, opinions and a hand hold please?

[thetwocultures]

I will start this off by saying that I'm usually terrible with confrontation and standing my ground.

Some of you would've probably read my previous posts about OH and my DP(arents) not getting along as they have all been in business together that went really wrong so might know a bit of the background.

I know my DPs often feel left out as my OHs parents live literally 1 min away from us so we rely on them for childcare between me going to work (I work evenings) and OH finishing his job (so for 1-2hrs mon-fri) and my DPs live 30mins away so it doesn't make sense to waste an hour each day driving my DS for an hours worth of babysitting before I can go to work.
I see my DPs once a week one a weekday from 10/10.30-3pm when they're both not working. We usually work out a day between us. I understand the whole situation is hard as I know this isn't how they've imagined being GPs but because of everything that's happened OH isn't happy for them to have DS on their own. I respect his decision. Also it's worth mentioning my DPs think they don't see DS enough.

Anyway to cut a long story short(er).
First it's worth mentioning that last week my DM called me once I got DS and DDog all ready and was already driving to see them to cancel on me as she has been called into work (she knew the night before but didn't bother dropping s text). I was ok with it and just rearranged to see them on another date.

This week I was supposed to see them on Thursday (yesterday). We're currently renovating the bathroom and our plumber wasn't very well on Wednesday (in hospital) and called to ask if he could rearrange and said he will see if he can make Thursday. We really need the bathroom done as its already taken a lot longer so I said yes and to let us know Thu morning.
I text my DPs (we have a whatsapp group) Wednesday night to let them know and said I might have to rearrange to Friday if that's ok and that I will let them know in the morning. My DF said it might be tricky as he already arranged his work and he's working Friday but to let him know.

Thursday morning plumber let me know he's still not well enough. It was about 9.55 so I text DPs saying I'll be there today just packing the bag. Got DS ready and was just about to leave when I got a text back from DM telling me to come Friday as DF has already changed his work around and is at work today.
Here's the texts that followed: (please bare with me I'm translating this from a different language)

Me: but I said I will let you know about today...

DM: but DF can't do things like that and already changed his work

Me: you could've let me know earlier. We might have the plasterer over tomorrow and the plumber might be here too but I'm not 100% yet. But if they're here I won't be able to make it.

DM: this is all funny(/ridiculous) if you don't want to don't come over then don't. You said Friday yourself.
I can't change my work around you

This is all starting to be very funny (/ridiculous).

Me: look at what I wrote yesterday, the plumber was at the hospital and wasn't sure wether he would make it. I said I will let you know in the morning as soon as I knew. If DF rearranged you could've dropped me a text.
If no one is coming tomorrow I will come over but if the tradesmen are here I probably won't make it as they really need to finish the bathroom. So we will have to see.

DM: then don't come.
I've had enough of games I can't arrange my work around you. If you have other arrangements just tell me. You were supposed to always be over on Mondays but that keeps changing! thetwocultures this has to end!

Followed by a call from my DF (who miraculously turned up at home???) getting me to talk to my DM which meant he put her on the phone and I out up with a 30min rant and crying about EVERY SINGLE THING that's happened over the last year, accusing me of taking sides, of not teaching DS my native language, not bringing my DM a birthday card from my in laws and me (I brought the present and i apologised told them we moved everything from the kitchen into lounge for renovations and the cards are somewhere under all the stuff), bringing up everything my OH allegedly did when the business was still running, saying how I just listen to my OH and don't have my own opinion and just do what he tells me to do, saying I've changed, how they want to see DS more, how they feel like they're being pushed aside, saying if she has to she will go NC even though it will break her heart etc.

I stayed silent for most of it and she questioned that, I said she's brining up too many things at once and I don't know which one she wants me to address and I don't understand how this whole thing got triggered.

She carried on with more stuff and when I finally addressed some of it she got her back up and got confrontational, I repeated "I don't know what brought this on, I didn't make a big deal out of you cancelling on me when I was already driving over I just rearranged like an adult" she said "oh so that's how it is is it?!" And she went on to how I always defend OH (I don't) and how I should defend them too because they're my DPs etc. I hung up.

Heard nothing for the rest of the day. Got a text from DF (on his own private whatsapp) "I took a day off tomorrow, come over. Mum was a bit out of line"
I suspect my DM knows nothing about this and my DFs just trying to be the peacemaker. I have no intention of being in a hostile environment.

I didn't reply and didn't go over.

Had no contact from them today. Spoke to my DB who still lives with them and he confirmed my suspicions - they were drunk, yesterday at 10 am... DF never went to work (he's self employed btw so won't get in trouble). So they couldn't see their DGS because they were both drunk, not at work.

I feel like this will be another thing they attempt to brush under the carpet and minimalise. I feel like I shouldn't stand for it anymore. But I keep having wobbles and second thoughts that I've been U and I've not let them see their DGS today.

I have no intentions of contacting them until they contact me.
But it's hard.

My DF has a drinking problem and my DM allows it. He's on the verge of being a functioning alcoholic.
They both (DM especially) dramatise and embellish everything that gets said to them.
They feel like everyone is out to get them or against them. Everything some sort of conspiracy.
I'm 6months pregnant and cant be dealing with this. I have my own little family too.

I don't know what to do when they get in touch, I don't want to go NC but I feel like I have to take some firm steps.
I need a virtual hand hold...

I'm not BU am I?

No you're not. Take a huge step back.

Holy mother of Zeus. I'm exhausted just reading that. I wouldn't waste a single brain cell calling them back. They sound like mental patients.

They were both drunk at 10am but it's just your father with the drinking problem?

They sound ridiculous. YANBU.

YANBU I have read and commented on your other threads in the past. You need to take a firmer approach with your parents. I know what you have said about not taking sides but it is always the same story your parents acting like arse holes and you feeling like you're in the wrong. I actually find it laughable that they said you always take you dh's side because by not doing this and continually sitting on the fence has put you under a huge amount of stress.
Your parents are controlling and bullying you.
A time needs to come where you pull up this big girl pants and deal with this one way or another. Anyone that has read your previous threads will say the same.
I feel it's good you are starting to see them a little clearer though.

I remember your previous threads. I'd say from that, it's not been your DH who has been in the wrong. They sound exhausting and demanding and I'd knock this regular visit on the head. Just see them as and when and don't commit to certain days and don't commit to every week.

Do they ever come to visit you?

Thank you for the replies.
They don't come to visit as the logistics are easier for me to visit them really.
I'd rather see them, my house is v small, them and OH don't get along and for the past year due to renovations we're basically living on a construction site.

They haven't been in touch since my DFs text. I wonder if they're hoping I'll be in touch.

I keep having wobbles and feeling upset at times. It's strange.

What is your culture? I think it is time to be a bit distant with them. They have had you dancing around them for a long time. They need to realise that you have other priorities now.

Well it's not culture as such I don't think(?)
We're Eastern European.
But come from a "it takes a village" type of environment where me my DB and Parents lived with both sets of DGPs (not at the same time) whilst our house was being built when we still lived back in my home country.
We would see my DGPs a lot and often stayed overnight etc. We had (and still have kind of) a close relationship with them (DGPs).

I think my DPs thought they would be much more hands on and involved with my DCs. I did too at one point. Unfortunately due to everything that's happened that's not the case.
I know they find it v hard that DS does not sleep over at their house etc.

It's lovely when it can be like that, but they need to acknowledge why that isn't the case for you now. Things have happened- regardless of who is to blame- that mean it isn't like it was when you were young. Their own behaviour makes it harder for you to have a relationship. I understand their disappointment, but they don't seem to have taken any responsibility for the position your families are in.

Thanks @picklemepopcorn

I just think the actual exchange that happened on Thursday was really out of line.
I understand their feelings but I think they're just a bit out of it.
You don't get drunk in the morning.
You don't put all this stress on someone who's pregnant.
You don't just focus on yourself and your feelings all the time.
If plans change you rearrange, like an adult, they're not 15 (not jealousy)

I feel more mature than them half the time.

Exactly. Maybe write to them, and leave it for a while. You've had to work really hard at maintaining a relationship with them. It's time for a rest, let them do the thinking and compromising instead.

If everything was how they presented it, then you would have been out of order to be shirty about your dad going to work on the Thursday.

But, as that was a lie then YANBU.

Previous threads, you've presented things as "something went wrong with the business, I'm not sure if it was DH or DPs in the wrong so I'm sitting on the fence". Everything you've posted since, suggests it's the FPs who always behave irrationally and unreasonably. I think you need to put much firmer boundaries in place and be a family with your DH and children. This has all clearly been the DP's problems from the start.

@PrimalLass I don't think I would've been shirty. I just think communication is important.
We agreed that I would let them know in the morning.
They made other arrangements and didn't bother to let me know.

I can make it, let them know, get ready, get my DS ready he's excited etc
and then as I'm about to leave I get a text saying they've rearranged everything.

I think I would've had the right to have been a bit put off about the lack of communication and the string of craziness that went along with the other messages.

If you re read my op you'll notice that's my DM also cancelled last week when I was already driving there. She agreed to work an extra shift at work the night before and didn't let me know until about 10am next morning when I let them know I was on the way.

And btw my DF is self employed. He wouldn't have been "called into work" if he already arranged it off he would've been able to be off unless he decided to work.

@Hidingalion i know what you mean.

My concern now is the extent it seems to have gone to. I don't know if I can resolve it.

I don't have proof but I have a very good suspicion that my DF has been telling me "stories" about people he's "bumped into/contacted him" that were somehow affiliated with the business and how they'd tell him how OH didn't know what he was doing with the business's etc etc etc
It just seems so far fetched. Even if someone out there thought that then surely as a professional no one would slate an ex company owner to an ex employee IYKWIM? ( all the people my DF mentioned were either company owners themselves or high up in a business)

OP - the way you wrote it made you sound a bit stroppy with them.You didn't let them know until 10am either.

But that's a tiny bit in what's been going on, which is why I said YANBU overall.

I'm currently wondering if I'm BU not contacting them....

Or should I stand my ground and wait for them?

I can't imagine getting an apology out of them, but am I entitled to one? They are my DPs...

Don't expect an apology. But don't contact them. Honestly, they need to reevaluate, and if you chase them they will think they are reasonable.

And what do you think I should do if they get in touch (usually via text) just wanting to make arrangements for this week as if nothing's happened?

But it sounds like they were lying, df wasn't at work, they were at home drunk at 10 in the morning

The being drunk at 10am is the key to your confusion here.

Your parents are alcoholic/enabler

You have no chance of "normal" here.

I suggest you back off, leave them to it and if they question why you're not as involved, tell them it's too chaotic and they've mucked you about too much

Tell them to sort themselves out and arrange a time to come to you. That way you don't have to do anything and if they don't turn up, you're not put out.

If I were you I would reply to the text along these lines: are you sure? I don't want us to end up fighting again like last time. I did my best but you were being really difficult. I don't like it when you are like that.

See what they say. Sometimes you need to challenge and have it out!

Thank you for the replies!
I know this must be a bit of a boring thread to most people but I appreciate all the advice.

I have had a call from DF this morning (suspected it would never be DM).
He was asking how I was etc, then asked if I was coming this week. I said I don't know and asked how DM was. Got a bit of "you know what she's like"etc then a bit of a change of subject.
Asked what was last week about, and asked if I'm supposed to expect that sort of reaction every time plans change. Again DF started saying how DM gets so worked up and upset and just lets it all out etc and that me and DM need to talk it out like DM and DD.
I said I won't do any talking when she doesn't really listen.
I said it's not about that it's about the reaction as all I did was let them know I might have to rearrange.
I said that DM is an adult, and I didn't understand that reaction. It wasn't as if I just randomly decided to change plans just because.

Asked if they think they don't get to see DGS enough? He said yes. I said I don't understand. Said lots of DGPs see their DGCs a lot less, I know I'm only over once a week but it's usually 5-6hrs at a time.
I said I know it might not be perfect and how everyone imagined things would be but things don't always work out.

I reiterated that they should not be trying to involve me in what happened between them and OH. I will not be fixing what is not my mess, I know it involves me but I'm not there to fix that problem. It's between them, if they want it to change its up to them to try.

Broached the subject of being drunk but didn't get far with it and DF started getting a bit anxious. I dropped it for now, it wasn't the time, I have workmen in the house.

Made general chit chat for a while. Arranged for them to let me know when my DM is off work this week so I will visit.

I know it might sound like I've not gotten far but trust me when I say I expected myself to freak out and just not address the situation at all. I addressed the immediate one, feel a bit stronger for it. And felt confident on the phone whereas I would usually get that horrible sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach, it wasn't there today.
I didn't say anything in anger or any sort of emotion either, just factually.
I hope I can keep this up.

I think that sounds great! Well done. You showed them that behaviour like that is not acceptable.

Keep it up!

You have done the right thing - but please do teach your DS your native language too whatever it is. It is much easier to do this when they are young rather than older.

I have a friend who never taught his DD his language and she is unable to converse with grandparents and aunts etc in their home country.

It will be a really useful thing to have in the future.

As regards everything else I think you've coped really well to be in the middle of things. When you do meet up make it a short visit initially. Also let them come to you sometimes. Perhaps when OP has something else on if it is difficult when he is around.