I need advice, opinions and a hand hold please?

[thetwocultures]

I will start this off by saying that I'm usually terrible with confrontation and standing my ground.

Some of you would've probably read my previous posts about OH and my DP(arents) not getting along as they have all been in business together that went really wrong so might know a bit of the background.

I know my DPs often feel left out as my OHs parents live literally 1 min away from us so we rely on them for childcare between me going to work (I work evenings) and OH finishing his job (so for 1-2hrs mon-fri) and my DPs live 30mins away so it doesn't make sense to waste an hour each day driving my DS for an hours worth of babysitting before I can go to work.
I see my DPs once a week one a weekday from 10/10.30-3pm when they're both not working. We usually work out a day between us. I understand the whole situation is hard as I know this isn't how they've imagined being GPs but because of everything that's happened OH isn't happy for them to have DS on their own. I respect his decision. Also it's worth mentioning my DPs think they don't see DS enough.

Anyway to cut a long story short(er).
First it's worth mentioning that last week my DM called me once I got DS and DDog all ready and was already driving to see them to cancel on me as she has been called into work (she knew the night before but didn't bother dropping s text). I was ok with it and just rearranged to see them on another date.

This week I was supposed to see them on Thursday (yesterday). We're currently renovating the bathroom and our plumber wasn't very well on Wednesday (in hospital) and called to ask if he could rearrange and said he will see if he can make Thursday. We really need the bathroom done as its already taken a lot longer so I said yes and to let us know Thu morning.
I text my DPs (we have a whatsapp group) Wednesday night to let them know and said I might have to rearrange to Friday if that's ok and that I will let them know in the morning. My DF said it might be tricky as he already arranged his work and he's working Friday but to let him know.

Thursday morning plumber let me know he's still not well enough. It was about 9.55 so I text DPs saying I'll be there today just packing the bag. Got DS ready and was just about to leave when I got a text back from DM telling me to come Friday as DF has already changed his work around and is at work today.
Here's the texts that followed: (please bare with me I'm translating this from a different language)

Me: but I said I will let you know about today...

DM: but DF can't do things like that and already changed his work

Me: you could've let me know earlier. We might have the plasterer over tomorrow and the plumber might be here too but I'm not 100% yet. But if they're here I won't be able to make it.

DM: this is all funny(/ridiculous) if you don't want to don't come over then don't. You said Friday yourself.
I can't change my work around you

This is all starting to be very funny (/ridiculous).

Me: look at what I wrote yesterday, the plumber was at the hospital and wasn't sure wether he would make it. I said I will let you know in the morning as soon as I knew. If DF rearranged you could've dropped me a text.
If no one is coming tomorrow I will come over but if the tradesmen are here I probably won't make it as they really need to finish the bathroom. So we will have to see.

DM: then don't come.
I've had enough of games I can't arrange my work around you. If you have other arrangements just tell me. You were supposed to always be over on Mondays but that keeps changing! thetwocultures this has to end!

Followed by a call from my DF (who miraculously turned up at home???) getting me to talk to my DM which meant he put her on the phone and I out up with a 30min rant and crying about EVERY SINGLE THING that's happened over the last year, accusing me of taking sides, of not teaching DS my native language, not bringing my DM a birthday card from my in laws and me (I brought the present and i apologised told them we moved everything from the kitchen into lounge for renovations and the cards are somewhere under all the stuff), bringing up everything my OH allegedly did when the business was still running, saying how I just listen to my OH and don't have my own opinion and just do what he tells me to do, saying I've changed, how they want to see DS more, how they feel like they're being pushed aside, saying if she has to she will go NC even though it will break her heart etc.

I stayed silent for most of it and she questioned that, I said she's brining up too many things at once and I don't know which one she wants me to address and I don't understand how this whole thing got triggered.

She carried on with more stuff and when I finally addressed some of it she got her back up and got confrontational, I repeated "I don't know what brought this on, I didn't make a big deal out of you cancelling on me when I was already driving over I just rearranged like an adult" she said "oh so that's how it is is it?!" And she went on to how I always defend OH (I don't) and how I should defend them too because they're my DPs etc. I hung up.

Heard nothing for the rest of the day. Got a text from DF (on his own private whatsapp) "I took a day off tomorrow, come over. Mum was a bit out of line"
I suspect my DM knows nothing about this and my DFs just trying to be the peacemaker. I have no intention of being in a hostile environment.

I didn't reply and didn't go over.

Had no contact from them today. Spoke to my DB who still lives with them and he confirmed my suspicions - they were drunk, yesterday at 10 am... DF never went to work (he's self employed btw so won't get in trouble). So they couldn't see their DGS because they were both drunk, not at work.

I feel like this will be another thing they attempt to brush under the carpet and minimalise. I feel like I shouldn't stand for it anymore. But I keep having wobbles and second thoughts that I've been U and I've not let them see their DGS today.

I have no intentions of contacting them until they contact me.
But it's hard.

My DF has a drinking problem and my DM allows it. He's on the verge of being a functioning alcoholic.
They both (DM especially) dramatise and embellish everything that gets said to them.
They feel like everyone is out to get them or against them. Everything some sort of conspiracy.
I'm 6months pregnant and cant be dealing with this. I have my own little family too.

I don't know what to do when they get in touch, I don't want to go NC but I feel like I have to take some firm steps.
I need a virtual hand hold...

I'm not BU am I?

I do try to teach DS my native language. But admittedly at home we speak more English as OH speaks only English and it would be confusing for OH to speak to DS in English and me to speak in another language when we are together.

DS understands a lot of my native language and I also read him books from my home country. But my DPs don't believe that I do because DS only speaks words in English - I think it's down to the fact that English is a lot easier and words are easier to pronounce than they are in my native language.
And obv DS sees my DPs 5-6hrs a week + I Skype my DGPs every other week and all that interaction is in my language.
I know he understands because when I'm at my DPs and they or I ask him to do something (in my native language) he will do it. But he will ask for things in English IYKWIM.

It must be hard. You love your parents but you don't have time or energy to put up with them anymore.

Don't feel bad. Take care of yourself, your bump and your little family. X

Thank you @missionmumlondon it means a lot.

I'm beginning to think my DM is a v.low level narcissists. I hope I'm wrong but I just don't understand her behaviour sometimes

May be she is. She's your mother so you either choose to accept her or to cut ties with her. She won't change for you. She will blame you for her problems. You're probably living the life she's always wanted. The relationship between a mother an daughter is the most complex.

Focus on the good things in your life. Think about how lucky you're to be expecting D number 2! :)

Keep your interactions with your mother to the minimum and keep in arms length.

Xx

I know I won't cut ties with them. They're my DPs .
I might have to be a bit more assertive in the future though.
Also, my DS does love visiting them. For all its worth my DF is great with him and my DM is good too. DS usually doesn't want to leave, which they then get quite hung up on I think and it makes them even more fixated on the fact he doesn't sleep over or they don't get to babysit him.
Even though I do think they see him enough...

Be careful when you get assertive. Narcissists get worse when they are thwarted. Look up going grey rock. It's a way of dealing with people which makes you less interesting to them. It gives them less to work with.

@picklemepopcorn thanks I'll have a look into it.

Unfortunately I think it will be nearly impossible, especially since my guess is it's more DS she's interested in.
Subjects I've had raised so far : His haircut (he's got longer hair) and that it will affect his eyesight etc, him not speaking my native language, him throwing tantrums/being moody - he's 2, him not eating properly ...
Also my DM said how she won't let him "get his way with her" all the time and she won't let him lash out etc (he sometimes swats at people/other kids when he's upset angry or annoyed - we're working on it).

And of course how they don't see him enough.

I kind of get what you're saying with me being assertive but I mean more in a 'stand my ground and not let them get away with behaviour like last Thursday' kind of way not a bossy kind of way IYKWIM.

Yeah, that's great. It's a non inflammatory way of standing up for yourself. Don't argue or contradict, use neutral answers like 'that's interesting' 'do you think so?' 'I'll have a think about it'. You don't defend your opinions, you don't even share your opinions. Don't give any information, don't talk about anything more interesting than the weather or what's on tv.

don't give her anything to work with.

I know it sounds a bit odd, but you'll really reap the benefits. It becomes automatic after a while, and really easy.

I've kind of done that with her before. And then I get hit with the whole how I've "changed" and don't have my own opinions anymore and how they see I'm so closed etc etc

A part of me feels like there will always be something.

So if they accuse you of "changing" and not having your own opinions anymore - don't rise to the bait! Yes, you're right - there will always be something. Once you recognise this, and are determined not to rise to their criticism, you are well on the way to dealing with it.

Remember - it's their problem. You don't have to get sucked into it. Be neutral, don't give anything away, offer them opportunities to meet that suit you and then leave them to agree or not. Their choice.

They don't agree with you? Their choice. They are critical of you? Their choice.

Your choice comes in how you respond to that (or don't respond). If you don't try to reason with them etc then they have nothing to feed on.

Please understand that your DM and enabler DF aren't foot parents to you. They aren't good gp to your son either. Being overly focused on him, using him as a method to make you feel guilty undermines you and your happiness.

Fwiw, the best way to teach a child to be bilingual is for each parent to speak in their language to the child.

You say your ds understands but replies in English? That's fantastic! You're on the right track!

The replies will come in your language, the key is not to say "no that's wrong" (because it isn't) but to say yes ds, that's right and then his answer in your language to show him how the response would be.