aibu to be worried about my dd?

[fuckingroundabout]

My daughter is 33 months (months to show she is nearer 3 not 2 I dont use months on a day to day basis)

What sort of skills would you expect a nearly 3 year old to have in terms of understanding her hitting/biting/kicking isnt a game but it hurts? if someone falls over or verbally makes it clear something hurt not to laugh? that a crying response to what she does isnt funny?

also should she be able to recognise differences in tone of voice? it doesnt matter how I say something, gently, loudly, sternly or even upsettly etc. If she has her mind set on doing something like hitting baby and Im for instance making the baby's bottle it will literally take me screaming for her to even seem like she hears me.

so frustrated :(

If she has her mind set on doing something like hitting baby and Im for instance making the baby's bottle it will literally take me screaming for her to even seem like she hears me.

Pick her up and move her away. Screaming does neither of you any good.

A baby can recognise voice tones, so yes, a three year old can, and yes, she should have a vocabulary of over 500 words and be able to understand many more.

Have you had her hearing tested?

www.home-speech-home.com/language-development-in-toddlers-30-36-months.html

I only do that if Im the other side of the safety gate. i wont ever leave them alone together unless Im in the kitchen because it is that tiny there is nowhere safe to put one of them.

her hearing was tested and perfect. She has nowhere near 500 words.

Have you seen speech & language beyond a hearing test? My DD is same age and can recognise differences in tone (doesn't always obey). It's taken me a while to find a discipline method that gets through to her - threat of taking something away or end of favourite activity is the only thing that works.

How old is your baby? Is she kicking off because she feels displaced?

She is having speech and language therapy at the moment, her assessment said she has significant difficulties in speech and communication but dont really say what.

I dont know any other 2/3 year olds and what is typical and what isnt. I worry Im.expecting too much.

Baby is 10 months and she has never really got it even well before he was born..The aggression has got worse since he started crawling though as she cant handle him moving at all!

If I speak sternly or raise my voice he seems to respond but she doesn't. I feel like im communicating with a brick wall 90% of the time

absolutely nothinf at all seems to get through to her. the only time I have ever seen in a way appropriate is when she drew blood on someone and thats because she os terrified of blood, she didnt make the link it was her that did it.

Have you asked the SALT team for a more specific response? All of my kids struggle to understand tone of voice/facial expressions and all 3 are autistic.

Do you talk to her? Spend one on one time with her away from the baby? Suggest you count how many times you shout at her in the day too - my mum's default setting was shouting & so my brother didn't really react to her instructions unless she was yelling - he was well over 3 before he started speaking too but mostly because mum never spent much time with him, never talked to him, and he was left to his own devices for much of the day.

Not saying you do that with your dd, but might help changing approaches if it isn't a SN problem.

I did and they said things about eye contact and lack of shared attention and repetitive play which i know all points at autism so they have referred her and her assessment is january. Just frustrating because I dont understand where she is in relation to where she should be and what she should be able to do in relation to what she can.

I spend a lot of time with her. The main shoutinf points are normally the 20 minutes getting ready first thing when she is trying to hurt her brother whilst Im changing his nappy and just before dinner when Im cooking it as again she is trying to hurt him and Im not able to get there instantly.

Try and combine action and words. So goes to hit baby pick her up and then say Mummy says No! In a firm voice. But keep including the action. Ask the S& L therapist for advice about she thinks she is missing out on. Lots of praise and reaction from you when she says or does the right thing.
You cannot compare her to kids of same age. She has a specific difficult and will need much patience and support.

She sounds like she is not neurotypical. Speech and language therapist is the right person to talk to about possibility of autism.
It's not something you do or something you don't do. My experience is that it gets better with time but 2-3 is a very difficult stage when they don't communicate much. i hope you have some support from your partner or family.

Could you have the baby in his highchair with some breadsticks or other finger food while you cook?
My neurodiverse son had trouble getting ready in the morning, I have to admit that I have resorted to letting him sleep in day clothes instead of wearing PJs as it is just not worth the fight and upset that causes.

Right will make it a priority at her next SALT appointment to get more precise information.

My kitchen is so so small so generally my onky option is to pop him in the high chair and sit him just the other side of the gate and try and field off every object she tries to whack him with which is why shouting normally happens as I cant do both.

Its just me and them, no partner and no family!

Can you contact your HV OP? If there is an assessment in place they might be able to give you some advice/support, or point you in the direction of local groups for kids with autism. It's not easy coping with a child who doesn't respond in the ways we expect, and it can take time to find their best ways of communicating. All 3 of mine are autistic but DS2 struggled with speech, has a few words now (3 1/2) and struggles with meltdowns/impulse control. He's also got hearing loss so communicating was tough going. Getting the right support in place has been a huge relief for him and for me. Makaton also helped a lot as visuals were easier for him to understand.
You sound like you're coping well in a really tough situation OP, go easy on yourself.

My son has dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. It took me a long time to get anyone to give it a name. Just vague, well, he does find X hard etc. But no diagnosis until he was 7. Not saying it will take that long for you, but you will have to push and fight for her now. When you don't have a diagnosis, you get much less help, which is probably cheaper for them. I dunno.
But yes, push for answers, and push for concrete solutions. Good luck.

She has got her formal autism assessment in January, just feels so long away when things are getting worse on a daily basis in just about every regard with her.

everything here needs a diagnosis before you can access it, the health visitor tried

Ach that's hard going OP, I'm sorry there isn't better support available to you. Can the HV offer any practical support or advice? It does sound like your DD is autistic, and there will be a way of allowing her to communicate her needs/wants which should bring frustration down. I don't mean a magic wand or anything, but just bringing a routine which calms her behaviour to the point where you and she can feel happier.

My son is autistic and had very limited verbal understanding at 3. We used pictures and it was like a magic wand. Ask your SALT for support or google PECS. There are loads of images online you can use. You don't need to do a big formal system but I would make sequences with say 3 or 4 images showing shoes, coat, car, nursery to show what we were doing. Or I often draw it out using stick figures.

Also try using very limited words. So no 'come on dd put your coat on we're going to be late. Dd come and get your coat now I said we'll be late!'

Instead get on her level and make sure you have her attention and say 'dd coat on'. Just repeat this simple sequence of words if necessary without adding in extra words as this will slow her ability to process what you have said.

For what it's worth you are in the hardest stage. My son was 3 when his sibling was born and at that stage had no language, wasn't potty trained, horrific sleep etc. Things will get better :)

We arent potty trained and still waking hourly.

Finding summer holidays especially tough as she is off childminders and he has started getting into her things and ruining where she puts everything which she can't cope with at all. 6 weeks of no break is killing me :(

You might already do this, but is there anything you can do to make cooking easier? Can you do some of the stuff the night before when they are asleep? Have ready meals for a few days to give yourself a break? Can you put a table in the living room and do some preparation there and only go into the kitchen to heat it up?

Do you have a trampoline? We still need to get as much energy burnt off as at all possible if there is to be any sleep at all. So really long walks etc but that's not always possible so the trampoline has really helped.

We also use the iPad a lot... and at that age he watched a LOT of tv as it was the only way he would sit still at all. I almost had a breakdown from the sleep deprivation so if there's any way at all you can get a longer stretch of sleep over night then prioritise that. It makes so much difference in ability to cope. When DS2 was born I went for months on 1-2 hrs sleep per night between the two of them. I was a physical and mental wreck and looking back on it now was obviously deeply depressed but couldn't see it at the time.

Don't stress the potty training. I wish I had waited as it is SO incredibly difficult with a child who has communication limitations.

I mean I got 1-2hrs sleep between them both waking up so much.

She needs to have a separate 'safe' place eg a den in her room or one of those pop up tents with cushions in where her brother isn't allowed. It's SO important for a child with autism to have somewhere to escape to which is ordered how they like it. It's very calming for my son to be able to retreat to somewhere quiet and calm and just rearrange his LEGO models or something.

My DS is 35 months. He can understand different tones. he doesn't necessarily obey. I'm trying to teach him that if baby cries he has to stop. He often tells me 'he likes it!' When poking baby in the eye or something and it's taking some time to learn that when baby cries it means he doesn't like it and you have to stop. But he's not actually trying to hurt the baby (just trying to play and cuddle) so it's easier to handle than what you've described.

Hitting/kicking/biting are a problem at this age for all the 2-3 year olds I know. For some it's more frequent than others tho. I'm not sure DS makes the connection that it hurts the other person yet. He always hits me or DH when having a temper tantrum. He doesn't hit the baby. He has unfortunately pushed or hit other kids at times. Usually it's tussle over a toy with another kid. I'd say he's fairly average for his age. I hope that helps a bit with your question about what you would expect for this age group.