aibu to be worried about my dd?

[fuckingroundabout]

My daughter is 33 months (months to show she is nearer 3 not 2 I dont use months on a day to day basis)

What sort of skills would you expect a nearly 3 year old to have in terms of understanding her hitting/biting/kicking isnt a game but it hurts? if someone falls over or verbally makes it clear something hurt not to laugh? that a crying response to what she does isnt funny?

Is there another way you could get a break OP? Nursery or something like that?

Cakescakescakes has good advice.
I would also add that sensory activities and toys are calming and distracting, and I found bubbles and lights helped. And a weighted blanket for bed, if you haven't heard of them Google it. It's a godsend for me.
It's a slog with sn kids sometimes. It does get better

Our lot have little indoor tents, that's their hidey holes. They've got cushions, books, fidget spinners and soft toys for sensory play.

Is she hitting out of anger ie the baby has messed up her puzzle or something or just because she enjoys the response?
It's not that unusual for a 2/3 yr old to hit. I would just make sure you are right with them when they are together so you can block any attempts. I'd be more worried about the speech.
Have a look on the Talking Point website. It has sections for each age so you can see what is typical development for that age.
And really work on the speech. Read lots, talk to her and commentate on her play even if you're not getting much back. Play games with her that involve back and forth and communication so for eg tickling games where she looks to you to trigger the tickles (obviously only if she likes that). Whether there are sn involved or not improving her speech and understanding will make things a lot easier.

Yes lights are great for sensory input. I have some colour change string ones from IKEA and a rotating disco ball type light in DS room. He finds them so soothing.

Also if throwing things is an issue could you give her lots of things she can throw that won't hurt the baby? Things like soft balls, handkerchiefs or even tissues (that was always my dd's favourite). Or do you have an outdoor area where she could throw things safely?

thank you you have all been massively helpful.

Cooking wise I tend to prepare the bulknof it the night before but I have to adapt things so she will eat them without giving him an awful diet too so its still a bit of faffing.

I have just ordered her a teepee to give her her own space that he can't go near. I find she is anxious over him coming near her stuff that she absolutely can't focus on anything and she lashes out if he even looks at her. We have lots of sensory bits but Im going to collect her some more. just need to figure where everything is going to fit! We do loads to work on speech and we go to groups 5 days a week to help as well.

Just also remember that when she gets to the stage of meltdown and that loss of control in lashing out that she is beyond reasoning with for a short while. Just keep everyone safe and then talk about it after. Try to see when you can see these incidents coming, learn to recognise the
'rumbling' stage which comes before a meltdown and try to head it off as early as possible. For my son a key sign he is about to erupt is when he starts pacing around the room and it is hard to get his attention. The. I know he needs to leave the situation and go to his den etc for some calm down time before it turns into full on meltdown.

I'm not saying you do this of course but I like to say that punishing or getting angry with an autistic child for having a meltdown is exactly the same as if you punished an epileptic child for having a fit, or got cross with a child in a wheelchair for not just making their legs work. It's a manifestation of neurological challenges/differences and she can't just snap out of it. So important to remember this - it's hard I know!

I hadnt thought of that. I have started to notice particularly at groups she becomes very withdrawn and looks quite blank just before shd starts lashing out. if other kids leave her alone she calms down but if she cant escape them then she gets aggressive. Its harder to notice when she gets similar at home because there is only the two of them and its not as obvious so will keep an eye on any cues here.

trying to find bits and bobs I know she likes and she does to help calm down. She loves sorting and threading and posting into postboxs, these are her main repetitive plays that SALT have picked up on. She also likes dry messy play but thats not reallg one I could pop in her space to do unsupervised. Trying to think of other things is surprisingly difficult.

You sound as though you are doing all the right things and your ds and dd have a great mum in you.
It's so much harder when you are on your own but getting out to groups like you do is great and asking for advice from mn or the salt team and the hv is the right thing.
I hope it's not patronising to say well done!

Can I slightly take my thread off topic seeing as I have already explained a lot about my dd here so its easier than starting new somewhere else.

Their dad was arrested 7 months ago for dv against me. when it happened that entire side of the family cut the children put. Today after 7 months their 'grandmother' messaged and asked if she could take my dd to a family beach party at the weekend. Am I right in thinking you wouldnt send a NT 2 year old off with effectively a bunch of strangers let alone one with her difficulties?

I think you're absolutely right not to send her. She hasn't seen them for 7 months. Do you feel it's a positive thing that their grandmother has been in contact?

Are they allowed to have contact with their dad? Is he likely to be at this picnic too?

Perhaps you could turn down this invitation but arrange to meet up at a park somewhere together in the near future. How do you think that would go down?

How much time have you spent talking and reading with Her? Do you talk her through every day, tell her what is going on, that you are going to the shops to get xz? She learns nothing you don't teach her, so the more time you spend teaching her the better she will be. The less time, the weaker she will be. Even if she talks at a different rate to other children you still need to be putting in the effort because it is all going on inside her head. Nothing happens by magic.

She may have speech and language special needs but you still need to be talking to her, explaining things, including her verbally in what is going on, and reading to her. It all helps her development.

And it sounds like she feels displaced and jealous of her sibling. This is perfectly natural and you also need to talk to her about that, in a kind and loving way, and reassure her that you love her just as much as the baby and recognise her feelings that the baby is annoying and takes up a lot of your time.

Littlefish its all very complicated. no he doesnt see them and there is a restraining order protecting me. Its his girlfriend's (was the OW) party so Im imagining he will certainly be there if his mum is. I said no to this but offered more than once to meet up with me there to help establish a relationship and got a message basically saying she doesnt have time my children and Im right and that she should stay away despite repeatedly saying that I was happy for contact to happen.

Kimmy we read and talk everyday. her understanding we think is really behind verbally (if you show her something she can pick it up instantly but verbally she doesnt at all). I spend all day everyday with them on my own, we spend lots and lots of time talking.

I have started to notice she uses 10-15 words for more or less everything ie choo = thank you, train, tissue, shoes so even though it sounds like she has a lot more words she is just using the same ones repetitively.

Absolutely do not send her to the party with virtual strangers. Will be horrifically stressful for her and likely to be full of people who don't understand and won't give her time or space that she needs.