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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about what happened during sex?

48 replies

lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:19

Her name changed. Sorry if this thread is TMI also. Can't really talk to anyone else about it.

Something happened with partner during sex. He wanted to try a certain position. I said no, as I could hear footsteps on landing and didn't want a child bursting in. I get anxious about DC walking in and as soon as I heard the footsteps I was no longer in the mood as I don't enjoy sex if I can't relax.

Anyway after saying no, partner went ahead and tried this position anyway and physically entered me. It hurt me a lot and I tried to move, before pushing him off and then began to cry, partly from pain and shock.

Partner then asked why I'm crying. I said I didn't want to do that, I said no. My partner then was completely horrified, said he didn't hear me, was completely mortified and apologised sincerely. I believe that he genuinely did not hear me.

He was very upset for a few hours after and withdrawn the next day, not himself. He clearly felt awful and has NEVER done anything like that before.

However, a week later I still feel weird about it. I don't resent my partner or anything but we haven't had sex since and I feel like we both still need to talk about it as we didn't aside from him saying sorry that night.

AIBU to feel so strongly about this? I don't want to bring it up again if I'm over reacting.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 11/08/2017 14:21

You can raise it and it might make you feel better but I'm not sure what he can say that he didn't already. If you believe him then why go over it?

ButchyRestingFace · 11/08/2017 14:24

Is your partner hard of hearing? Do you have an especially quiet voice?

Just a bit perplexed about why he didn't hear you.

Original poster
lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:25

More because I felt like I said no quite loudly. I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. And maybe it's not worth it... which is why I'm trying to work out if it is.

I do believe him. But a part of me also feels like he doesn't respect me properly during sex sometimes, he has a much higher sex drive than me and this added on top has just made me feel... weird.

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 11/08/2017 14:25

You need to talk about it again whether he heard you or not (and only you know him to know of that s true) you clearly are still upset about it.

It's ok to sit down and say I believe you didn't hear me but it hurt and I'm upset and angry and I want to talk this out. If he is a good guy, he will want to and you might feel the better for it.

Hope you are alright. I know when some things have happened to me before, I can feel weepy for days after.

Original poster
lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:25

He's not hard of hearing. I feel like I said it loud enough. But he said he didn't hear.

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 11/08/2017 14:27

Do you believe him?

MaisyPops · 11/08/2017 14:27

You're not overreacting.

I wonder if he thought your reservation was 'wait there's kids on the landing' and then when the coast was clear he tried it. (I only say that because I've pushed DH off when we had a lodger and I heard them moving around and it temporarily kills the mood, but we carried on once it was quiet again)

Does he know that you're instantly out of the mood the second you hear the kids?

You feel the way you feel and that's ok. I do think you both need to talk about it and hwo you'll both deal with situations like that if it gets you out of the mood because as kids grow up that's going to still be an issue.

He may feel all kinds of thing. He may feel guilty and awful, he may be turning the water works on because that might get him out of your bad books. Without knowing his personality we don't know.

I have a feeling you're going to get a lot of LTB almost instantly. Just remember that without us being in the room there is a limit ad to what we can take from the situation.

You're absolutely not wrong to feel how you do, just caution on what might become quite a harsh thread.

10greenapples · 11/08/2017 14:28

I could sit on the sofa with my ex and say something completely loud and clear and him apparently not hear it so I guess it's possible

Wolfiefan · 11/08/2017 14:29

I'm sorry but if he didn't hear you then he didn't know that you consented. If he was unsure he shouldn't have gone ahead. When you tried to move he should have stopped. You shouldn't have to push him off crying before he stops. I couldn't trust someone who behaved in that way. Not enough to have sex with.

Eminado · 11/08/2017 14:31

a part of me also feels like he doesn't respect me properly during sex sometimes

This is not ok.

Original poster
lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:33

I do believe him.

Although he does know I don't like that position and never have. I genuinely believe he didn't hear, but I feel like the fact he attempted sex in this position knowing I don't like it shows a lack of respect for me.

Other things that make me like that are like still encouraging me to have sex when I've already said I'm very tired, don't feel like it and then grinding against my back whilst I try and sleep. He does stop when I tell him too and say I'm sleeping now but again I just find it a bit much when I've said I'm tired. Like he expects me to change my mind.

We already have sex 2/3 times a week. He'd prefer 4 or 5.

I'm sorry if this is drip feeding, also. I didn't feel like I could open much in the OP, but now I have I feel like I can say more. Sorry, I'm not used to talking about this kind of stuff.

In general, our relationship is good. People comment on close we seem, which is true, he is wonderful in every other aspect and I still adore him years later.

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 11/08/2017 14:33

I had a similar scenario with dh years ago. He thought I was messing and realised too late I wasn't. We did get through it, he was utterly mortified and offered to sleep elsewhere and has been very respectful since.

Yanbu to be upset but how you move on depends on how he is with you. Do you feel he is genuinely upset? I think you do need to talk about it. Let him know how it made you feel, if he gets defensive and pushes the blame on you, not sure I could get over that, if he sorry he will apologise

Eminado · 11/08/2017 14:33

I will try again because I feel strongly about this bit:

But a part of me also feels like he doesn't respect me properly during sex sometimes

This is NOT ok.
This is the issue you need to address.

I hope you are ok.

MikeUniformMike · 11/08/2017 14:33

It is not OK. Does the lack of respect happen regularly?

wowbutter · 11/08/2017 14:33

What position was it that you moved from and to?

He may have hour you said no due to the noise from the children and not no specifically about the position. Or he may be an ass who doesn't listen or care about what you say no does whatever he wants?

His reaction makes me think it was the first one, but either way, you have every right to feel upset and violated.

wowbutter · 11/08/2017 14:34

Okay no, it's the second thing I said.

No means no. He doesn't have rights to your body. Sex isn't a right.

Penfold007 · 11/08/2017 14:38

He suggested a certain sexual position and you said no. He still went ahead and penetrated you even though you still said no. He heard you he just chose to ignore you. That's the problem, he heard and you know he heard.

MaisyPops · 11/08/2017 14:40

Massive drip feed OP.Grin

It sounds like he has an attitude of getting sex on tap.

I think there are bigger issues than the one event in your OP, in my opinion.

Original poster
lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:42

Before when I have said no to certain things or I'd like to stop this now if it's something new and I don't like it, he has always stopped. Every single time. And he normally asks if I'm okay, am I sure, etc...

The times I don't feel like he respects me are if he's turned on and we've maybe made out for a bit. Sorry for that expression, not sure what else it is! Heavy petting? This is when he would sometimes grind against me when I've said I'm going to sleep now. Only if he's already turned on and I've then said I want to sleep now.

I'm trying to remember how long ago it was that I told him I didn't like that position.

And I have spoken to him about the grinding against me thing and has since stopped.

I do think the fact I want to have sex a lot less now is a factor. Doesn't make it right but that's when he started the grinding against me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:45

Sorry about the drip feed.

The thing is, I genuinely don't think he heard. He was so surprised after, asked why I was crying and was almost crying himself. He asked how loudly I said it and kept saying "I don't know how I didn't hear" over and over.

Unless he put it on and was faking the whole being upset thing? Which I find hard to believe.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 11/08/2017 14:45

If he knows you don't like that position then why is he persisting? You need to have a talk away from the bedroom about the way he is behaving.

Papafran · 11/08/2017 14:46

So he knows you don't like that position? Surely then he would need to make sure that you actually want to do it? Also, how can you 'not hear' someone lying right next to you in bed? Sounds to me that he thought he would try it anyway and then when you started crying he realised he had gone too far and feels bad about it.

What position are we talking about? If it's something like anal, there is NO excuse for just going ahead and doing it without knowing for sure that your partner wants to.

Papafran · 11/08/2017 14:49

Unless he put it on and was faking the whole being upset thing? Which I find hard to believe

He probably is upset, but because he realises he crossed the line rather than because he didn't hear you. If he didn't hear 'no', is he saying he heard 'yes' instead, even though he knows you don't like that position?

Original poster
lazynamechanger · 11/08/2017 14:53

He has said he didn't hear me say no. Not yes either.

It was sex from behind, so vaginally but with me lying on my front.

I used to like it but found it hurts recently and have told partner this.

I had rolled onto my front anyway as I was trying to get up as I heard the footsteps. I don't know if he thought me rolling onto my friend was an indication of it being okay. I wasn't facing him, but it was loud enough to hear in my opinion.

OP posts:
DorothyBastard · 11/08/2017 15:00

He definitely heard you. The acting etc was because you called him out on it and he wasn't expecting it, he just expected you to put up with it/not call him out on it.

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