about what happened during sex?

[lazynamechanger]

Her name changed. Sorry if this thread is TMI also. Can't really talk to anyone else about it.

Something happened with partner during sex. He wanted to try a certain position. I said no, as I could hear footsteps on landing and didn't want a child bursting in. I get anxious about DC walking in and as soon as I heard the footsteps I was no longer in the mood as I don't enjoy sex if I can't relax.

Anyway after saying no, partner went ahead and tried this position anyway and physically entered me. It hurt me a lot and I tried to move, before pushing him off and then began to cry, partly from pain and shock.

Partner then asked why I'm crying. I said I didn't want to do that, I said no. My partner then was completely horrified, said he didn't hear me, was completely mortified and apologised sincerely. I believe that he genuinely did not hear me.

He was very upset for a few hours after and withdrawn the next day, not himself. He clearly felt awful and has NEVER done anything like that before.

However, a week later I still feel weird about it. I don't resent my partner or anything but we haven't had sex since and I feel like we both still need to talk about it as we didn't aside from him saying sorry that night.

AIBU to feel so strongly about this? I don't want to bring it up again if I'm over reacting.

But surely if he asked/mentioned it to begin with, he would be listening out for your answer? And plus the fact that you have told him you don't like it and that it hurts.

I think you need to have a very frank chat with him. He might want sex more often but if you are in a relationship, you have to compromise- you cannot always do what you want. He needs to understand that you aren't just there to service his sexual needs. If you say no, it means no, it does not mean that he gets to rub himself up against you. He's a human, not some stray un-castrated dog. If he wants to change positions, he asks/checks with you first. If there is something that you have said is physically painful, that is out of bounds, even if he really feels like doing it. He needs to be more respectful.

Either you believe he didn't hear you, or you don't.

I think you know in your heart that e did hear you and just ignored you.

OP - do you believe he raped you or not?

Goodness, this thread. I sometimes think posters forget that they're talking to real people about their real marriage and their comments can have long-reaching and serious consequences.

OP, only you can know if your DH is the kind of person to lie about this. Please don't let other posters talk you in to believing something one way or the other. You know your marriage far better than anyone else. So knowing your DH as you do, what do you believe is more likely: that your DH didn't hear you, or that he raped you?

Regardless of whether or not it was deliberate behaviour on behalf of your DH, you are allowed to be upset and feel violated.

He probably did hear but proceeded as he didn't think you would call him out on it. It was what he wanted (so turned on by it babe etc) or "needed". I think a lot of men have a very entitled attitude about sex - it's something "they do" to women and really don't get why you might not want it more often (in his mind he may think that it would take just a little bit of effort for you to turn over and let him proceed when he grinds against you). I think once you have DC there can also be a touch of "the conjugal rights" coming into play as well and an attitude that refusal is just you being churlish.

This incident upset you because the sense of disrespect and that sex between you is mainly for his and not your pleasure has been building.

My gut instinct is you know he heard you but you just aren't ready to face the reality of what happened so you're trying everything you can to convince yourself it was all a misunderstanding. However, the fact you started this thread tells me deep down you know the harsh reality for what it is. Only you can decide where you go from here but I honestly think that as long as you are conflicted within yourself you really should speak to a counsellor or similar professional to help you clear your thoughts.
Personally, I believe he knew he didn't have consent and carried on regardless. There is only one word for that but I appreciate that emotionally you may not be ready to face up to that and deal with it. Please speak to someone.

Goodness, this thread. I sometimes think posters forget that they're talking to real people about their real marriage and their comments can have long-reaching and serious consequences.

Why don't you just come straight out and say that rape or sexual abuse in marriage isn't that big a deal?

Why don't you just come straight out and say that rape or sexual abuse in marriage isn't that big a deal?

Don't be so absolutely ridiculous. Nothing in my post suggested that I think that.

But I don't think it's helpful to tell OP that her DH "definitely" heard her when she's already said that she believes he didn't. None of us were in the situation and none of us know her DH. To try and somehow convince her that she's wrong and he did in fact rape her is misguided at best, damaging at worst.

Oh come on, peachgreen, the OP is concerned about it herself. I think that to dismiss it as just 'oh he must not have heard' is not helping here. It makes no difference anyway because he KNEW she didn't like it. People who do this sort of thing are not necessarily evil- they can be 'wonderful' husbands, brothers, colleagues, sons etc. But marital rape is something that does happen.

At the very least, she needs to have a very serious talk with her DH, outlining precisely what is and what is not OK. What he did falls very firmly into the 'not OK' camp.

Just a thought, if it hurts then maybe get checked out at gyn. clinic?

I'm not dismissing it at all - I'm saying that OP needs to make up her own mind. It would be just as damaging to say "he definitely did hear you, you're overreacting". None of us here can know anything for sure.

I don't disagree that she needs to have a serious talk with her DH about what happened, and their sex life in general. But saying "he definitely heard you" etc is making a very serious accusation about a situation none of us were in and I don't think that's helpful to the OP.

I suppose you feel violated in some way, maybe the safety and trust you felt before has been dented. It is important to feel safe during sex. It's important that one persons needs isn't over powering the others. I wonder does your husband watch porn or watched it in the past a lot. I feel men that do often can be quite mechanical and at times pushy, just a personal observation. Ps please take care of your self you've had a horrible experience

If I've understood correctly then you were already engaged in sex. He asked for a different position but you hear a noise thinking it was the one of the DC on the stairs. You said no and rolled over to get up to check on DC, as which point he either assumed you were willing or 'took advantage' (aka rape).

I can sort of see why he thought you were happy to have sex on your front if you rolled over, assuming he didn't hear the kids or hear you say no. Of course no should be enough to get him to stop, but IF (and that's a big IF) he didn't hear then rolling over to me would say yes.

IF (again that's the big one) he did hear it then of course it's rape, and no matter if he's your 'D'H/partner/boyfriend/whatever it's still rape and wrong. No one has rights to your body but you.

Why are you still upset about it? Is it because you don't believe him, or because it was just an awful situation that you are struggling to get past and you believe him?

If you don't trust your partner to stop when you say so you have some serious issues anyway. And without talking to him in a safe way I'm not sure how you will fix them.

We spoke about it today. I wasn't planning too but he actually brought it up himself. Partner said he'd noticed that I'd been much more distance, especially when in bed (which I hadn't realised) and he said we needed to talk about what happened.

I told him how I feel- basically what is in this post- and he said that he definitely did not hear me. I know it is only his word, but what else is there? I do believe him.

Unless I make him take a lie detector test (which I wouldn't obviously) what else do I have to go on?

We've been together a long time. I know him and his character. Nothing has ever happened like this before. I've said no before and he's always stopped, nothing remotely similar has even almost happened.

HOWEVER, we did speak about the grinding again and lack of respect in other areas and he has said he was wrong to do so, and did say he hasn't done it in a while. He says he realises now it was disrespectful.

So we've had a serious talk and I believe him. I honestly do.

Do I move on now and forget it? I can now, I feel happier that we've talked. I don't want to do anything drastic like end my marriage.

Yet at the same time some of the replies I've had have made me realise how serious it would have been if he HAD heard me.

I believe him but the main thing here for me is that there's no way of proving it.

So to move on from it I have to trust him and my gut feeling that it was a genuine, one off where he actually didn't hear me.

He also said he didn't realise anything was wrong until after I pushed him off, said it was all very quick, he thought it was okay as I had rolled over when he asked, didn't hear the no, etc... he said it was very fast paced sex, it's a blur to him and he unequivocally did not hear me. He said he'd never do anything I had no too.

He's also suggested some ways of communicating more, such as slowing things down and verbal consent being established for everything. He suggested this himself.

We didn't do this before. I've always said 'Yes' to sex through making it clear physically. I don't know how many couples actually verbally communicate that sex is okay. Do people normally do this? I genuinely do not know.

But we've established some suggestions and the fact he came up with them himself to me says he is taking this seriously.

There is no way of knowing if he's telling the truth. You have to decide and then either dump him because you believe he's lying and therefore he raped you - or let it go completely if you believe he's being truthful

He knows it hurts you, so why would he want to try that position even if you'd say yes? From your description of his behaviour at other times it seems like he did hear you but has no respect for you.

It sounds like a good conversation and hopefully it will mean he is much more respectful in future

Keep an eye on this behaviour though

Oh he heard you alright.

I'm pleased that this thread seems reasonably balanced and that you believe your DH. If he's never done anything like this before then why shouldn't you? Of course he could be lying etc and the only person who knows for sure is you OP.

I've never directly, verbally agreed to sex. I think you're husband wanting this suggests he genuinely is upset and remorseful and wants to make sure that it never happens again. Whether you're right or wrong about trusting him, he seems to want you too and 'special measures' are better than another misunderstanding (assuming a that's what it was).

In my relationship, pody position, foreplay etc are how we communicate when having sex and I think me being in the same position as you would have suggested I liked it.

@IdoHaveAName - ODFOD.

@WiganPierre - maybe he thought the OP wanted to try that position slowly. Maybe he thought the dislike was temporary (she said she used to like it). There are innocent scenarios.

I feel like his remorse, the fact he's established new 'rules' (verbal consent) and that it's entirely out of character suggest he didn't hear. Of course, the only person who knows the truth is him.

OP, I was in a similar situation recently, I posted here and had amazing support. This difference for you is in the fact he didn't hear I think, if you believe that you have a way forward. He seems very remorseful. Even if that is the case though, your feelings of violation are extremely valid and something you need support with. It's great you can talk to him, is there anyone else you can talk to as well. It's a horrid place to be, feeling violated and used by the person you should trust the most. He has some work to do to fix this. Hope you're ok op. Xx

OP, please ignore the people who seem to think you should believe a stranger on the internet who wasn't there and doesn't know your marriage over your DH and your own perception of the situation. People on here complain about men gaslighting but imo posters dismissing what you have repeatedly stated you believe to be the truth is gaslighting at its finest.

You believe your DH is telling the truth. He is remorseful, he's not minimising his actions, he brought it up himself, he's always stopped when you've asked him to before, he has suggested ways to ensure it never happens again. That's all really good. While I don't think you can just 'forget' something like this through choice, I do believe you can move on together, and you're going about it the right way with honest and open communication. I really hope you're able to move past it - but don't beat yourself up if that takes a little while.

In answer to your question, I would say that before we try anything new, DH and I would discuss it, but once we've established that we both like something, I wouldn't verbally consent to it again and would instead do it with body language. It might be a case with you and DH that this is still sufficient for most things but there are some acts of positions that he should always seek your enthusiastic verbal consent for, or that are even off the table unless suggested by you - that might help you feel safer if you're wary at first.

Best of luck to you OP.

He does things which he absolutely knows are not okay, and when you call him on them, he apologises and changes his behaviour. But the underlying issue is that he does what he can get away with and apologises when he has to. This cannot possibly be a safe and trusting relationship. But he acts reasonably when challenged and you're not sure where this leaves you. Is this it?