Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to offer "pregnant women" a seat on public transport?

59 replies

AhhhhThatsBass · 11/08/2017 13:42

Yesterday I was on the tube in London at rush hour. A lady with what looked to me like a very neat pregnant bump - quite hard and round was standing next to me. (I thought I could spot a slightly protruding belly button through her thin jumper, so I jumped to the conclusion that she was indeed pregnant).
Admittedly she didn't wear the badge but not every pregnant woman does.
Anyway a seat came free behind her, in my view and I offered her the seat, rather than taking it myself. She snapped at me: "I'm not pregnant!".
I was a bit mortified but more importantly, I felt bad at the thought that that might have upset her. I didn't actually mention to her that I thought she was pregnant at any point but perhaps she saw me eyeing up her stomach.
I mumbled an apology and sat down myself.
So in order to not risk this again, WIBU to just not offer any other woman a seat unless she is wearing a badge?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 11/08/2017 14:39

Oh yes, didn't spot the button. Well, my guess is she has IBS and gets this a lot.

Morphene · 11/08/2017 14:41

I think its best to treat pregnant women like the fully functioning adults they are. If they need to sit they can use their powers of communication to convey this to you. The same goes for the elderly.

Assuming that other people are not only physically infirm, but incapable of vocalizing any need they have, is pretty rude in my book.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 11/08/2017 14:45

YANBU. Conversely, I've been 8.5 months pregnant, wearing the badge and a "Does my bump look big in this? " tshirt, and have been expected to give up my seat on the bus, or for DD 3 at the time to sit on my lap! Where exactly was she supposed to sit? Confused

thirtyplusone · 11/08/2017 14:49

I certainly don't go around eyeing up who might be physically infirm :) It's just polite in my book if the tube is full and I'm young and fit to offer a seat to someone who may be more comfortable sitting down, as I'm sure OP was doing. My mum hates travelling on the tube when she comes to visit as she is are scared of not getting a seat, so I like to think that 9 out of 10 when people accept that I'm doing the polite thing :) .

Morphene · 11/08/2017 14:52

thirty but doesn't that mean you just stand up when it gets crowded rather than specifically offering your seat to a particular person?

I do that on the train occasionally....noone can take offence if you simply don't occupy a seat.

Offering your seat to a particular person is saying 'of the people standing you look the weakest'. Which is kinda rude I think.....

thirtyplusone · 11/08/2017 14:57

I don't always give mine up as I have endo, and one of those please offer me a seat badges I've been too scared to use so far Blush

To be fair in this case, I was sat in one of those fold down sections for luggage etc and he came on with a big suitcase and I considered him to be 'elderly', (if anything I was offering his suitcase a space too! :) )

I see what you're saying about the specific person bit, but sometimes you stand up and someone as young and spritely as you sits down Grin

Morphene · 11/08/2017 14:59

They might be young and spritely but in pain, or ill....so not all is lost :)

Atenco · 11/08/2017 15:01

So you are going to punish pregnant women because of one nasty woman?

Original poster
AhhhhThatsBass · 11/08/2017 15:02

Guavaf1sh in fact it was reading the thread from the other perspective that prompted me to start mine, because I was a bit perplexed yesterday about whether I had done the right thing or not. Mainly because I don't often find myself in situations where I think I am doing something kind/polite in order for it to have the opposite effect.

OP posts:
Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 11/08/2017 15:06

I've had someone standing offer to find me a seat, I saw the funny side (and promptly got rid of the dress I was wearing when I got home Grin)

WinterIsComingKnitFaster · 11/08/2017 15:08

No anetco, the OP is not going to assume women are pregnant without indisputable evidence. Presumably once the OP knows for a fact that a woman is pregnant she/he will treat her with the appropriated level of consideration as before.

PollyFlint · 11/08/2017 15:09

I was offered a seat yesterday by someone; I'm a bit overweight and was wearing an empire-line tunic top so I'm sure it was because he thought I was pregnant. I just smiled and said 'Oh, no, I'm fine standing thanks, but it was very kind of you to offer'.

I'm obviously mortified that I look fat enough to be up the duff, but how is that his fault? He just thought he was being nice and I didn't want to embarrass him over what was clearly a well-meant gesture. I would never snap at someone for an innocent mistake.

If nothing else it's spurred me on to try and lose weight and I'm about to join a slimming club!

Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 15:16

Always offer a seat. Don't let it put you off.

I was on the tube once and a man got up to offer his seat to a woman. She said "Don't patronize me"
He then said (loudly) "If I have the good grace to offer you a seat, you have the grace to sit down in it. NOW SIT"
She sat down.

HerOtherHalf · 11/08/2017 15:18

She didn't need to snap at you though. I don't like being snapped at and would have put her in her place with something like: "I never said you were pregnant. I just noticed you were rather overweight and sweaty so thought you might appreciate a seat".

gelnames · 11/08/2017 15:23

I just stand up, and move away with a nod and a little turn of the head to the person I want to have the seat.. Someone will take the seat, and hopefully it is the person I want to have it.

At least I do it.

It can be fraught with DANGER though lol.

I am a bit older than many of you here I guess, but I don't care I am SO grateful if someone offers me their seat. It is so sweet and kind. Take it as a gift.

There is too much bristling. "how dare they think I am old, pregnant, infirm whatever" Doesn't matter it is the gesture that counts.

maddiemookins16mum · 11/08/2017 15:25

Someone offered me a seat on a bus two weeks ago. It was a young student type overseas chap, terribly polite. I'm neither pregnant or elderly (middle aged yes). I gratefully accepted.

demirose87 · 11/08/2017 15:27

Don't let this put you off giving up your seat for pregnant women. She was just a rude woman. I'm heavily pregnant at the moment and am finding it hard to get about now without discomfort and I would be too embarrassed to ask for a seat even though I would need one.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/08/2017 15:28

He then said (loudly) "If I have the good grace to offer you a seat, you have the grace to sit down in it. NOW SIT"

Erm, what? I'd have been getting as far away from him as possible.

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2017 15:31

I was on the tube once and a man got up to offer his seat to a woman. She said "Don't patronize me"
He then said (loudly) "If I have the good grace to offer you a seat, you have the grace to sit down in it. NOW SIT"
She sat down.

What a horrible man. People don't have to accept seats if they don't want to. That man's behaviour was disgusting. I hope other commuters stuck up for the woman.

ChickenBhuna · 11/08/2017 15:37

I like being offered a seat on the tube (am heavily pregnant) , but I sometimes refuse politely as a seat in the middle of the row of a stuffy carriage with no pole to hoist myself back up with is actually worse than leaning near the door!

Please don't stop offering , it is appreciated.

Screamer1 · 11/08/2017 15:43

My boyfriend gets round this by never ever sitting down on the tube. He's also of the opinion that he just doesn't need a seat very much so it's not like he's putting himself out particularly, I just think he thinks it avoids all possible awkwardness.

NotMyPenguin · 11/08/2017 15:44

I think you're lovely and thanks for offering. I'm a pregnant woman who doesn't wear a badge (or expect a seat) but I still appreciate the offer.

Morphene · 11/08/2017 16:38

I was on the tube once and a man got up to offer his seat to a woman. She said "Don't patronize me"
He then said (loudly) "If I have the good grace to offer you a seat, you have the grace to sit down in it. NOW SIT

See this is obvious evidence that at least some people think women, whether pregnant or not are children and should be treated as such.

Disgusting.

Honestly, if someone needs a seat they can ask for it. All you are doing by offering is infantilizing the or patronizing them as the person in the above points out.

Morphene · 11/08/2017 16:41

notmypenguin what exactly is it about someone looking at you and coming to the conclusion that not only are you too infirm to stand but you are too stupid to ask for a seat if you need one, that you appreciate?

Bardo · 11/08/2017 16:45

I don't offer until it goes past fat belly stage. I look at the woman's boobs and think which is bigger, stomach or boobs and if it's stomach I offer a seat.

That man on the train, commanding the woman to sit, wow, making the offer of a seat a command to sit takes all the grace away'/

Swipe left for the next trending thread