to get stressed about DS not being invited to party...
madamez · 29/03/2007 12:47
Went to our regular Thursday parent&toddler group to find the place damn near empty - it turned out that almost everyone else was at the birthday party of one of the kids that goes there. Basically it seems that the only mums& kids not asked were me and DS, and another mum whos DD is only 7 months old (all other kids in between 20 months and 3 yrs). It's a small group, generally about 10 regular kids.
Now, I'm quite aware that DS, at 2.6 is really too young to be bothered one way or the other, but It's kind of nagging away at me. I freely admit I've got f all in common with the other half-dozen mums, being about 15 years older than the oldest one for one thing, and I do have a bit of difficulty getting on with "normal" people. Basically, I'm not bothered that these women are not my friends, I don't desperately want to be friends with them. But I worry about the future for DS. Have I really got to teach him that craven conformity is the only way to have any friends? Or am I getting in a flap about nothing, because once he and other kids are a bit older they will just be* friends with each other whatever their parents think of one another...
Aloha · 29/03/2007 12:50
Don't instantly assume that it is personal. Maybe it was a mistake (ie invitation went astray) or she just forgot. I thought my ds wasn't invited to something recently but his invitation was in his school tray and ds forgot to bring it home. And also don't panic and assume this one incident is a Sign Of Things To Come. It almost certainly isn't.
BigEggLittleEgg · 29/03/2007 12:58
Ahh I would be upset. I hate being left out of anything and always take it personally, even it is not. As others have said, it may have been that you weren't there the day the invites were given, or some other simple reason. Am sure it was not personal. Have to say, if I was the one holding the party I would either invite everyone, or just the two or three that my DS was closest to. And if I did leave people out I definitely wouldn't hold the party at the same time as normal toddler group.
cori · 29/03/2007 12:59
I dont blame you for getting in a flap. I have been through exactly the same thing. DS not invited to parties,nothing in common with the other mums etc. But eventually it sorted it self out, DS now gets invited to parties, and I just busy myself with my baby so dont HAVE to talk them . Have managed to find one or two mums i can have a conversation with.
mytwopenceworth · 29/03/2007 13:34
i know how you feel. ds1 (7) has never been invited to anyones party. ever. ds2 (6) is being invited to loads at the moment. it's awful because i am pleased for ds2 but i feel so sad for ds1.
i dont understand why. ds1 is such a lovely little boy, no trouble at all. it can't be because he's autistic because so is ds2. and we always stay to take care of ds2 and would do the same for ds1!
i am sorry to vent on your thread but i can't stop myself every time this subject comes up! it makes me want to cry because i feel ds1 is being rejected!
anyway, i know it feels bad, but perhaps when your son's birthday comes around and you invite them all, they might get to know you better, or maybe you could invite some round for one of those playdate things and encourage friendships to develop between the children, rather than bothering with the parents iyswim.
madamez · 29/03/2007 13:52
My2pwth, that is wretched, I'm so sorry for you and your boys. Thinking it over: I do actually reckon it was a bit thoughtless of the birthday girl's mum to invite all but 2 of the other mums and then hold the party while toddler group was on. It's quite hard for that not to look a bit... well... pointed. FWIW the only other mum not asked has a DD who is much, much younger than the other kids and she has not been coming to the group for that long or that often. Yes she and I had a nice chat and the two group staff were there (obviously) with their own DCs so we had a reasonable time.
Actually, thinking about it even more, I could just be being really paranoid, and one or two of the other mums and toddlers might not have been invited to party either, and might simply have not been at the group due to other engagements or kids being ill or something.
Shall rise above it
mytwopenceworth · 29/03/2007 20:08
i only had one party for him and invited his whole class but only one person came (apart from family). a few had said they couldn't make it when invited but most just didn't come. i had made a cake and loads of food and everything and it all got wasted. big row of party bags that never got given out .
he didn't give me any indication that he knew or cared - at that stage he was very much in his own world, but i sobbed for days and never spoke to any of them again. bloody hell, i'm filling up just remembering it! that was in the area we used to live, not up here, but the pain was so great that i never want to go through that again, so wanted some sign first iyswim, like - a party invite. does that make sense? especially since now he is more aware and i am sure that something like that happening now would really hurt him. having had it happen once, i don't want to take the chance. i can't do that to him. (or me, selfish as that sounds!)
imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:17
mtpw, these stories of your ds are so sad. But not untypical I think. There's an autistic girl in dd's class who dd is rather fascintated by as she has a slightly 'unreal' in her own world quality that I think dd relates to. When this girl had her 4th birthday party her mum invited the class and only me, dd and 2 other kids turned up. The girl didn't mind but dd thought it was very sad for her. It made her love the girl all the more though!
I guess you've thought about this a lot more than me, but I'm at a loss as to know what to do about getting SN kids more 'accepted' outside of school. Incidentally we invited the girl I mentioned above to dd's party, she came, and I think she had a good time, hard for me to tell. She liked the balloons.
imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:19
madamez, just a thought, but do you think the much younger mums at your toddler group already maybe know each other and socialise outside the group setting? That might be how you got left out, if indeed you did. Plus you yourself say you have nothing in common with them and that they're 'normal' (I'm curious to know why you're abnormal? ) maybe they've picked up on that and assumed you wouldn't want to go anyhow?
imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:21
Sorry, that sounds rubbish, madamez, I mean I'm also an older mum and there is a real clique of younger mums who meet at the school gates. They say hello to me but it's never gone beyond that and I'm sure dd won't be invited to any parties. Unless she chums up with one of their kids and the kid invites her of course.
onlyjoking9329 · 29/03/2007 20:25
How sad MTPW, i would invite both of your boys no problem, my 3 have autism and it took a while for DS who is the only one in mainstream to get any invites to parties or for tea. DS had a party and invited the whole class, from then onwards he has always been invited,
Madamez, it must be hurtful and hard to understand why you were not invited, could it have been a mistake could they have handed the invites out when you were not there maybe? Make sure when you do a party that no one gets left out and hopefully your DS will have a great time and will start to get invites from others.
BassMama · 29/03/2007 20:26
I think that is AWFUL and I would be really upset for my DS if he wasnt invited to something. ow nasty of her to hold the party at the same time, knowing she adnt invited your DS?
Sounds like folk you dont want to be friends with anyway.
Don't worry about the future, you sound like a wonderful mum and i'm sure DS will learn the 'right' way to do things from you.
BigEggLittleEgg · 29/03/2007 20:27
mytwopenceworth, I am so so upset about your last thread. That is unforgiveable of those mothers and must have been heartbreaking for you.
Was going to say that me and DS will come to any party you have for your DS's, my DS is only 13 months, and LOVES older boys, he idolises them, but see you are in Derbyshire...long way from London.
Is DS1's behaviour very different from DS2? Do any of DS2's friends play with DS1 if they come over? Do you take DS1 with you when DS2 goes to parties? Sorry, lots of questions, just outraged on your behalf.
Bet he is such a lovely lad.
Twiglett · 29/03/2007 20:32
"once he and other kids are a bit older they will just be friends with each other whatever their parents think of one another... "
now its natural to be upset at this but you have admitted already that you're not friendly with the other mums .. and at that age IME people invite their friends and the kids' friendships are almost incidental
it was crass to have it at the same time as the toddler group but I think maybe (and not meaning to be unkind) if you are not bothered about these women you probably don't register on their radar that highly
helenhismadwife · 29/03/2007 20:36
I find things like this really upsetting, and have nothing practical to suggest Madamez dont let it bother you, it wont always be like that kids do get their own friends and start to make their own decisions about their friends, when they are young mums tend to invite mothers they know rather than the children that changes when they are older, then you get into the party one up manship, ohh my party is disneyland paris where is yours ohhh kennedy space centre we did that last year
MTPW to be honest I truely dont know what to say I feel so sad for your ds and for you as well it does feel very personal when this sort of thing happens. I have been to a party where hardly anyone turned up, the mother was very very upset and cried I was so on her behalf I made a point of saying something to some of the other mums who I knew and who hadnt turned up, I know quite a few apologised to her didnt change anything but might make them think about stuff in future. As parents we remember stuff like this more than our kids and feel more hurt by it because we are more aware of it. I used to invite everyone in kids class to avoid anyone feeling left out.
madamez · 29/03/2007 20:38
I think it probably is true that the other mums socialise a lot outside the group and have known each other for a while (some of them have older DCs who I think know each other as well). Also, as all the kids get on well with each other, I can't see DS being shut out overmuch if the other mums don't like me. It's just, y'know, the silly little things that niggle away at you.
divamumplusbump · 29/03/2007 20:42
i agree with twiglett, at this stage 0-3years parents invite their friends and children, or people you get well at toddler groups, but honestly its not thoughtful of them to invite majority and leave 2 mums with chidren.
mtpw, im so upset to hear about your ds1. i cant belive people to such things to upset each other.
mytwopenceworth · 29/03/2007 20:54
madamez - as kids get older the mums tend to ask who they want at parties, so please don't worry. and you are no doubt right in your interpritation, at this age the kids parties are more about mummy mates all getting together cos lets face it, most toddlers wouldn't have a clue, would they? hurtful to be left out though. arranging it during M&T time is thoughtless, but perhaps she thought that was the one time she could guarentee they'd all be available. did you perhaps miss the week before, perhaps she gave invites then?
BigEggLittleEgg - he is a lovely lad! his LSAs tell us how all the kids love him and practically fight over each other to be the one to partner him or help him. which makes me feel it must be the parents. maybe he's the equivilent of the class hamster. you feel all important taking care of him in class, watching him running in the wheel and giving him a carrot, but it's not your job to take care of him over half term. - if you get me!
it's just if they like him so much, why don't they want him outside of school. i'll tell you why, because they don't get class praise and team points for being nice to the weird kid out of school.
god i sound bitter.
your questions - ds2 is much more bubbly - ds1 can be very happy, but a bit more unpredictable. they are at different schools (infant and junior) so not much friend crossover. it is 'bad form' to take siblings to parties. we live 10 miles from the school, so people don't take us up on playdates (or maybe that's another excuse)
imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:56
madamez, I know. We had a situation at school where lots of dd's friends were invited to a girl's party who they knew from before school. I mean dd didn't even know her but the fact all her little group were getting excited about the party, what they would wear, etc. and dd felt so left out, it got to me.
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