to get stressed about DS not being invited to party...

[madamez]

Went to our regular Thursday parent&toddler group to find the place damn near empty - it turned out that almost everyone else was at the birthday party of one of the kids that goes there. Basically it seems that the only mums& kids not asked were me and DS, and another mum whos DD is only 7 months old (all other kids in between 20 months and 3 yrs). It's a small group, generally about 10 regular kids.
Now, I'm quite aware that DS, at 2.6 is really too young to be bothered one way or the other, but It's kind of nagging away at me. I freely admit I've got f all in common with the other half-dozen mums, being about 15 years older than the oldest one for one thing, and I do have a bit of difficulty getting on with "normal" people. Basically, I'm not bothered that these women are not my friends, I don't desperately want to be friends with them. But I worry about the future for DS. Have I really got to teach him that craven conformity is the only way to have any friends? Or am I getting in a flap about nothing, because once he and other kids are a bit older they will just be* friends with each other whatever their parents think of one another...

mtpw, that's very sad. I can see why you feel so bitter.

I don't think dd is doing that with her autistic friend at school, she's perhaps too young to be given 'points' or anything. I think she's genuinely drawn to her. She says she's beautiful. Dd's very shy and quite a loner so maybe there are some characteristics in this girl she relates to? To be honest I've found her mum very hard to talk to, not awfully so and she did bring her daughter to dd's party, but I've tried to suggest a few dates doing whatever would be fun for both of them and the mother seems so withdrawn, maybe even quite depressed, that it's gone nowhere. After your post, maybe she thinks I'm asking as a kind of 'charity' act? I'd hate that.

(btw, not relevant to your thread madamez, sorry, but my brother is quite severely autistic and when we were growing up never got near a 'normal' school. He's 42 now and I honestly couldn't say he's ever had a friend )

imaginaryfriend - i wasnt meaning you or you dd, i was talking specifically about my feelings about my son, please dont think i was commenting on your dd or you at all, i wasnt, i was just ranting about how i feel my son has been treated. i would love to think ds1 classmates really felt about him as your dd does about her friend.

mtpw, I'm sure lots of them do, I'm sure of it. Children are very interested in each other and they're only as prejudiced as their parents encourage them to be. IME.

I'm really not at all surprised though that you feel bitter. That party story is awful, just awful. Mortifying.

mtpw - I really feel for you. Could visualise it all.

How would people advise avoiding these outcomes? I can see myself in mtpw's situation come DDs party - don't know why, just do! Must admit it is filling me with dread (and the party is 6 months away!)

Birthday parties- what a minefield they are. When I am planning for my 2 DD's it is so hard to know who to ask. If you rely on the kids they forget someone (or worse, don't like them), if you are on a budget you can't always invite the whole class, so someone will always be left out. I tend to do a birthday treat with a couple of best friends or a low key tea party now. Less cost, less stress. As they get older they have just a few special friends so it is easier.
May I suggest another toddler group though? Some can be incredibly unwelcoming for the less confident or conforming mum, but you could make some really good mates elsewhere!

how mean to hold it on the day of the toddler group??

cannot believe people would not come to child's party... although similar happened to mine, well quite a few didnt come and some who came just ignored her..it is heartbreaking

MTPW - it definitely sounds like narrow minded parents not the kids not liking DS1, which I think is a lot easier to bear (although still unbelievably unkind of them). I would certainly like to think it is not the hamster scenario. He obviously has a loving and caring mum and little brother and it sounds like he has fun at school. Still about it though.

I agree with others that is it the parents and their ignorance that cause this sort of thing, children in their innocence just see another friend it makes my blood boil

Well DD and me have just got back from a nightmare birthday party (for her). It was the 6th birthday of the daughter an old friend/acquaintance of mine. My DD has tried hard to forge a friendship with this girl when her mum and me see each other (from time to time.)

Anyway, all of her school class were there, and my DD didn't know any of them. Being a bit younger than them, she ran around after them trying to be 'one of the gang.' They weren't having it and told her they didn't like her and to go away: she got shoved out of the way twice. The party girl ignored her totally too. Found her sobbing in a side room off the main hall after telling me she was going to the loo. Apparently they wouldn't let her go in 'their' loos too.

We made our excuses and left as early as we could. Ended up sitting in the Wimpy having a plate of sausages and chips and watching the rain. Smiles finally when the Wimpy man told her he thought she was actually a real princess (her party costume) and gave her a little childrens bag (actually wish we'd skipped the party and just gone to the Wimpy!).

Pinkballoon what a nice man

mytwopenceworth