Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Approaching parent about bullying

41 replies

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 11:19

Hi not really an AIBU more of a WWYD/help me situation. DS is 7 almost 8 and has been bullied on a low level/teased for a while now by a boy in his class. This boy is also on the same 2 sports teams as DS and the boy's father coaches both of those teams.

The boy is very sporty and quite tall and strong whereas my DS is small for his age and frankly rubbish at sports.The behaviour is in the form of excluding him from games, particularly sports games in school. If DS asks the boy can he join in he is told no, if he asks another boy and that boy says yes then often both my DS and that boy will be excluded. The boy has quite a strong personality and I suspect many kids don't want to go against him.
DS has said he trips him up, pushes him against the wall. During a football match last week I saw the boy push my DS away when he tried to speak to him. He teases him over his height and DS is becoming very sensitive about it and he tells him is face looks chubby with him mouth guard in which has resulted in DS constantly taking out his mouth guard during sports.
DS isn't naturally good at sports but I feel it is important that he play and get involved and he has improved a lot over the last 6 months. I suspect some of the boys dislike of DS comes for the fact that DS isn't any good at it. Also DS is very bright and has been helping out kids in the class who are struggling with their work. He said he is regularly called over by the kids to help and says that this boy also asks for help. I asked how the boys acts with him in this situation and he just said that the boy is the only one that never thanks him. Again with my psychology 101 I think the boy might feel inferior to him in this respect and so is teasing him about other things.
This has been going on for a few months and I had hoped with would blow over but DS was very upset after the match last week and he asked him to speak to the boy's father and ask the boy to stop.
I know his parents a bit and they seem very nice people, as I said the father is the kids coach and I think he is very good with the kids and has a lot of patience.
I am keen not to damage our relationship with them as we will be meeting them regularly at training and matches so I don't want to come across too strongly, but on the other hand I don't want to be too wishy washy and have them go away thinking its a storm in a teacup and nothing changes.
Any words of wisdom please?

OP posts:

SisterhoodisPowerful · 11/08/2017 11:22

Don't talk to the parents. Speak to the school and the football coaches. This is their responsibility. They need to keep your son safe. And they aren't doing their job.

Original poster

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 11:26

Thanks SHIP, the football coach is the boy's father - that's why is so awkward.
School not back for another 3 weeks but I will ask them to keep an eye out if nothing has changed by then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 11:30

Sorry I should add that they have football training tonight and DS has asked him to speak to the father/coach then. I was going to say it after training.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 11:31

"asked me - not him"

OP posts:

WaxOnFeckOff · 11/08/2017 11:32

I could have written your post 10 years ago. Go to the school and the coaches and keep at it.

NancyJoan · 11/08/2017 11:33

I wouldn't speak to the parent.
Wait, and talk to school. In the meantime, tell DS to steer clear.

ShesABloodyLoon · 11/08/2017 11:34

Maybe speak to the coach, telling him that one of the team members is doing X, Y and Z and you were hoping that as coach he would be willing to address the situation. When you have his agreement, particularly on how the behaviour is indeed unacceptable, begrudgingly name the child.

Many parents these days are hellish when it comes to seeing that their precious baby is being a shit but getting him to agree first means he can't shouldn't backtrack just because of who it turns out to be.

WaxOnFeckOff · 11/08/2017 11:35

I think you need to go above the coach's head tbh. It's sad to say but in the end nothing will change. Your son is just a random child as far as they are concerned whereas other boy is coach's son.

I'd try to find another team if possible. It's not the way it should be but it's the way it will pan out in the end.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 11/08/2017 11:39

I would also go above the coaches head.

Mothervulva · 11/08/2017 11:49

Could he attend a different football group if you don't fancy asking the dad?

Papafran · 11/08/2017 11:53

OK, I would speak to the school rather than to the coach directly. I would also look into any external sports clubs where the coach is not the parent of a bully. I know it happens all the time, but I do wonder whether it is appropriate for a parent to coach a school sports team where their own child is on the team. It must surely lead to frequent accusations of favouritism and in this case, turning a blind eye to the inappropriate behaviour of his own child.

MissEliza · 11/08/2017 12:04

I've seen a couple of situations where the coach's son is a little shit and complaining by other parents, no matter how reasonable, never ended well. I'd find another team.

Original poster

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 12:05

Thanks for the replies. We live in a small village so its the only football and hurling club there. He does other sports too but these would be the main sports in the village and the ones his friends do. There is no real hierarchy in the sport, its obviously all voluntary and each coach is autonomous.

My other option is to wait until school is back in 3 weeks and mention it to the teacher. The sports finish up for the season in about 6 weeks so that will be the end of the training and matches until the spring.

I have told DS to stay away and that if he does push him/trip him that DS should shout back at him to stop. He told me that he told his teacher about it and the teacher gave out to the boy but that this just made things worse for a while (he only told me this after school was out for the summer).
He says he has friends that stick up for him and in particular this boy's best friend seems to try and distract the boy's attention from DS.
The boy also carries on like this with other boys in the class according to DS.

OP posts:

Booboobooboo84 · 11/08/2017 12:07

I would talk to the coach actually but be careful not to use words like bullying. Things like that can trigger quite an instantly defensive position from a parent.

Maybe mention that there has been some behaviour between the two and your wandering if he could have a word and just encourage some nicer behaviour.

Your DS needs to stop helping this boy with his work as well. You need to work with him on polite ways of refusing to help.

minionsrule · 11/08/2017 12:11

Op with regards to school when he goes back def mention the bullyimg but i am also a bit surprised your ds is expected to help other pupils with their work. I would be flagging this up as it doesn't really seem appropriate esp given his age.... thats why we have teachers and TA's surely?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 12:11

Go above the coaches head. We had a similar situation with DD. Turned out half the staff knew/or were related to the bully(ies) in DDs case which made it even harder to get anything but "oh no X would never do that / really? Y has never seemed the sort to me?".

Over and above everytime.

ShatnersWig · 11/08/2017 12:14

During a football match last week I saw the boy push my DS away when he tried to speak to him.

And you said NOTHING then to the child or the coach? Sorry, I think that was a mistake right off the bat. If I saw another child push my child I'd be over there immediately.

Original poster

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 12:23

You are right Shatners, I should have said something then, I am sorry I didn't.
Boo - I don't want him to get defensive if I say anything as I know thats what the natural reaction will be. Its hard to phrase it in the right way.

Minions - I wasn't overly happy about the teacher using DS for this, but he was going through a stage of boredom and disruptive behaviour in class and I think this was the way to keep him occupied. It wasn't a great solution but it did keep DS happy and his behaviour improved. He will have a different teacher this year and I am going to insist on extension work for him instead of him doing this. It was lazy teaching and I did have concerns it would lead to bullying if kids got the impression he thought he was getting notions about himself.

I am worried DS will think I let him down if I say nothing tonight, he keeps checking with me that I am going to do it.

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 11/08/2017 12:26

I think now your DS has asked you to, you have to speak to the father. Don't describe it as bullying, just ask if he could keep an eye on the interactions between the two boys as according to your DS there have been some problems. You're then dependent on whether the father is an arse or not.

MrsJayy · 11/08/2017 12:30

Speak to the dad on a coaching level iyswim say your son is being pushed about by another boy and coming home upset after training can coach keep an eye on it when coach dad says who mention the boys name so you are not accusing his son right away, any decent coach would take it very seriously. School stuff go to school about it.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 11/08/2017 12:32

The vast majority of bullying threads on here have the affected dc begging their parents not to say anything, your son is the opposite, please don't shy away from this.

I think a pp's tactic of outlining the behaviour and getting the coach to agree it needs addressing before you name his son is a good one.
I'd ask about behaviour policy as well.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/08/2017 12:41

Everything is too pc nowadays.

Years ago when my very quiet DD was around 6-7 she was being bullied by a smaller kid in class. I knew her mother, pulled her up and basically said you better have a word with your kid because I'm not having it.
Kids mum was very apologetic and the bullying stopped.

I'd be mortified if my child was a bully and I'd do something about it straight away. Can't believe all these parents who think the sun shines out of their kid's arse.

Original poster

Lima1 · 11/08/2017 12:51

Maybe if I say that there have been a few issues between them, teasing over height, gum shields, pushing etc, DS is coming home upset and would he mind having word with his son.

Thanks a mill.

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 11/08/2017 12:54

May I ask what sort of coach this father is if he doesn't notice his own son pushing your son around and tripping him up and taking his mouth guard out?

NancyJoan · 11/08/2017 13:12

Maybe if I say that there have been a few issues between them, teasing over height, gum shields, pushing etc, DS is coming home upset and would he mind having word with his son.

You could do this in a more general way, say he's been getting a hard time from some of the boys on the team, ask him to keep an eye on things because you don't want to get involved during the training session, but you can't stand by and watch him being pushed, and he's coming home very upset. Then your DS will feel like you are taking it seriously, and the Dad might even notice what's going on.

Flip

1 2