Approaching parent about bullying

[Lima1]

Hi not really an AIBU more of a WWYD/help me situation. DS is 7 almost 8 and has been bullied on a low level/teased for a while now by a boy in his class. This boy is also on the same 2 sports teams as DS and the boy's father coaches both of those teams.

The boy is very sporty and quite tall and strong whereas my DS is small for his age and frankly rubbish at sports.The behaviour is in the form of excluding him from games, particularly sports games in school. If DS asks the boy can he join in he is told no, if he asks another boy and that boy says yes then often both my DS and that boy will be excluded. The boy has quite a strong personality and I suspect many kids don't want to go against him.
DS has said he trips him up, pushes him against the wall. During a football match last week I saw the boy push my DS away when he tried to speak to him. He teases him over his height and DS is becoming very sensitive about it and he tells him is face looks chubby with him mouth guard in which has resulted in DS constantly taking out his mouth guard during sports.
DS isn't naturally good at sports but I feel it is important that he play and get involved and he has improved a lot over the last 6 months. I suspect some of the boys dislike of DS comes for the fact that DS isn't any good at it. Also DS is very bright and has been helping out kids in the class who are struggling with their work. He said he is regularly called over by the kids to help and says that this boy also asks for help. I asked how the boys acts with him in this situation and he just said that the boy is the only one that never thanks him. Again with my psychology 101 I think the boy might feel inferior to him in this respect and so is teasing him about other things.
This has been going on for a few months and I had hoped with would blow over but DS was very upset after the match last week and he asked him to speak to the boy's father and ask the boy to stop.
I know his parents a bit and they seem very nice people, as I said the father is the kids coach and I think he is very good with the kids and has a lot of patience.
I am keen not to damage our relationship with them as we will be meeting them regularly at training and matches so I don't want to come across too strongly, but on the other hand I don't want to be too wishy washy and have them go away thinking its a storm in a teacup and nothing changes.
Any words of wisdom please?

In my case the dad was an arse and still is. Initially he came round and had his DS apologise but then wasn't interested after the bullying continued and his DS had recruited the majority of the class to join in. His view was it was clearly my son's fault that his son was a bully....

the son is still as much as an arse as his dad and plays sport at international level. I just want to run over him over everytime I see him.

Given the circumstance you've described, I think you maybe should mention it to the dad/coach and see what the reaction is. I suspect though that it wont go well and his DS is seen as the better player and his dad is the coach, I also think your DS will end up being edged out.

I think the only real solution is to get your son to stand up for himself but I could never get my son to do that.

You could go higher up as the sports will have some sort of governing body which presumably the dad will be a member of. However I think it would be unfair to go that far without giving him the opportunity to fix the situation.

Why does it seem so taboo these days for parents to deal with it between themselves? Why does it always have to go via the school?

In this situation you know the parents and the Dad is a coach. I'd go straight to them and discuss it!

Mission, to be fair to the dad it was one push and only that I was looking their way I wouldn't have seen it so I cant expect the dad to have seen it. The boy isn't taking out DS's mouth guard, DS is doing this himself in reaction to be teased for having "chubby chops" with it in.

Wax on, that's my biggest fear. I put DS into a team sport as a way of avoiding bullying. This boy and another boy rule the matches, they pretty much get all the ball, it is because they are very good. But they are not encouraged to pass the ball to the weaker players, even when they are absolutely hammering the other team and cannot possibly lose, there is no encouragement to let the weaker players get more involved (and sure how are they to get better otherwise). I do think if the coaches son was a weaker player it would be encouraged more.
He might have a different coach next season - I think the coaches stay at a particular age level rather than moving with the kids.

I think definitely speak to the school, and the father, unless there is a different coach you can approach.

My DS was bullied at a summer scheme, and as he was so miserable I let him pull out. I wrote an email to the organisers to tell them why, not a complaint as such but I wanted the boys' parents informed. They were fantastic - one of the dads worked at the sports centre where it was held - he phoned me to apologise and got his son to apologise to my DS. The other boy involved ending up being asked to leave the scheme, as so many other kids had also been bullied by him.

Ask the dad coach for a quick word. Say that a couple of other parents (who didn't want to get involved) have spoken to you about X being a bit mean towards your son in school and out, and that you noticed him being pushed and asked your son about what was going on and he has indeed mentioned a few other small issues which seem to be building up. Would he keep an eye out and perhaps a quiet word with his son so that back in class in September there are no issues.

He won't try to work out which parents it is because doing so would mean he would have to ask about his son being mean and he won't want to draw attention to it. But by mentioning others the implication is that the behaviour is unacceptable and has been registered as such by others. You then come across as totally reasonable and fair.

In September mention to the class teacher privately that this dominant boy is a bit unkind and to keep an eye out. Ask him/her not to mention the conversation to the kids.

It's superb that your boy has told you about this because often they would rather try and resolve it themselves, and get even more upset if their efforts don't work.

Can you video the next encounter on your phone so you have evidence at least on the field?

Then it becomes something no-one can ignore

I can't believe you've not been getting this dealt with at school!

Your done has been bullied at school for ages and nothing has been done?

Sorry Lima, in our club coaches stay with the team, which is only fair as they want to be with their own children.

Perhaps you or your dh could offer to help out with the team? The bully may feel emboldened by his dad being the coach. Maybe if you were around and made it obvious that you were watching him, he may back off.
I can't believe the dad/coach doesn't know what his son is like, especially if he's spending that much time with him.

I would go to the school and the parents to get this dealt with asap.

You could seek out the club official in charge of child welfare and ask to have a confidential chat about bullying.

I thought you were a friend of mine when I started reading this post as the stories are so similar. In their situation though the parents don't see the bullying, their child would never do this etc etc. It is done in such a way as to be very manipulative and hard to pin down. It can and does result in her child being isolated and other children are often on the receiving end of it. The father isn't the main coach on the team but helps out so it isn't as clear cut. She has however stopped taking her child, he didn't want to go and she wasn't finding it much fun. Personally I don't think the father will change, your comment about his child and another dominating the play all the time doesn't bode well

Take it up with school when you return. Make notes so that you know what to say, list the instances, why you are now raising it and the effect that it is having on your child. The child I talked about above also picks my child out at times and I have raised it in school. Good luck it is an awful situation to be in.

Asking your DS to help other children might be the teacher trying to build his self esteem up and help him talk to/make friends with other pupils and explaining to others is a good way to consolidate and strengthen existing learning, but you go ahead and tell her how to do her job and give him different work because you know best and she is lazy but you can't even be arsed to stand up for your own son when someone pushed him right in front of you. No wonder he can't stand up for himself when he mum is too busy blaming everyone else.

Too harsh notevil, nasty and uncalled for. ...... interesting username btw. Op i wouldn't bother responding to that goady fucker

Only catching up now. I ended up not being able to bring him to training on Friday. DS started on a sports camp this week and this boy is on it too though I only found out when I picked DS up.

I asked him how things went and he said that he grabbed the boy around the waist (pining his arms to his sides) and got right up in his face and said "if you are ever mean to me again ill kill you stone dead".
He was very proud of himself and said the boy just walked away and never came near him all day.
I have been checking with him each day and so far the boy is avoiding him.
I really like the idea of DH helping out the coach, DH had mentioned it before as the coach was looking for help but at the time DH couldn't commit, he can now.
Ill also mention it to the teacher when they go back and ask her to keep any eye out.

PS thanks minions!!

I had similar with my DS.

I did speak to the coach/father. Frankly I thought it best to get it out in the open and he seemed to be a reasonable person.

I telephoned him - because I didn't want to speak at a training session.

I was very calm, listed the incidents and said I was aware he probably hadn't seen much of it.

I also said I understand there might be a degree of "ribbing" around sports and this was why I'd not spoken before - I wanted to assess the extent of the issue.

I was clear that I understood the frustration of talented players when on a team with the less able, but part of playing the game is to teach teamwork and inclusiveness.

Upshot, he was very nice. He said he hadn't seen the extent of the issue (understandably because his kid was doing it when his fathers back was turned), but would speak to his son and keep an eye on the issue.

The physical stuff stopped and I'm sure he spoke with his son, but tbh there was just this very cold atmosphere towards my DS from the boy and his close pals.

In the end DS just didn't want to play any more and left the team.....