about loneliness and please tell me how you cope

[mallardponds]

My relationship with my husband is not the best. He does work hard. I will give him that. He is in 4 days a week for twelve hours although it generally goes over as he finishes paperwork. He is usually home by 9:30. He leaves at 7.

I have toddlers at home and keeping them entertained is a constant battle. I do try to get out and about. I go to various toddler groups although many aren't on just now but mornings are usually okay.

But the afternoons are just awful. They drag on like nothing on this earth. I can do things. Soft play is well and good and the children enjoy it but they don't let me read or anything. I actually struggle to focus on a book now. And I read my first shakespeare play for fun when I was 13.

The main thing I am struggling with is crippling loneliness. Dh doesn't work on either Tuesday or Wednesday and just does as he pleases. He takes the older children out on occasion but not the babies. At weekends he will help a bit more and organise a day out or have the children so.I can go to the.hairdresser or something. Weekends are okay.

But I cannot keep going with the relentless Mon-fri between 1 and 6/7 o clock every evening. I am tearing my hair out.

So getting a job but then I have to do all the childcare PLUS work and truthfully I cannot afford to work. And I don't have a great working history. Dh makes sure my attempts to work are unsuccessful just by doing nothing. We live quite rurally so any jobs elicit quite high commuting costs.

I want to retrain but can't afford that either.

Is this just what life is like - do most people go for a big chunk of the day lonely and bored and depressed? Or is there a better life out there for me?

Is your DH in from 6? See if you can get a few shifts in a pub. Best job for beating loneliness

The daily grind can be relentless but it does get easier - which you will know if you have older kids.

Can you invite other mums over for play dates ?

Where are you family?

Di you have to live so rurally?

And do you think a GP visit might be good for the depression?

Plus could you get DP to counselling or at least tell him how you feel and get him to help with kids more.

I wish I could help mallard but im much in the same boat. It's fucking depressing. Each day I wake up and mentally think 'I can do this' then 30 minutes later I'm a wreck.

I worked out the other day that no one had called me by my name for over a month

Keeping busy help stave these things off for me. If afternoons are tricky then can you do more activities then eg visit library, park. If your dh has a regular day off in the week then it should be shared between you imo. He gets the morning to do as you please, you get the afternoon. This should give you something to look forward to.

Hens thank you. It helps to know it is not just me!

DH doesn't get in until way after 9. In any case evenings are okay. I can cope then. It is that five or six hours from midday until then.

Quite I don't really know other mums. Not well enough for invitations. I find mostly they have own friends and family. I do have a couple of friends but again they have their own stuff going on. I just don't have enough friends for 12-7 shifts Monday to Friday!

I have seen my GP but I didn't get on so well with the tablets, they did stop my depression by knocking me unconscious!

Nut, I do but filling 7 hours in a library or park doesn't do it. In any case it is for the children not me.

Are there aby local groups you can go to in the afternoons? I know what you mean those long afternoons can feel like forever. Reach out to other mums locally if you can through meet up, mummy social or facebook. Volunteering can help, i volunteer with my child through a breastfeeding charity the mums i met in training arw close friends now and its really helped me feel less alone xx I hope you find some nice things to break up tose afternoons soon xx

They are all morning based. Plus around here they are for the babies rather than the mums. It is hard to chat properly to anybody because we are all constantly being interuppted.

I do volunteer but it is once a week in the evening so doesn't help with my 'day' problem.

I think you are bored as well. You need to get back into Shakespeare. Your H should have the kids on Tuesday and Wednesday and let you go and do as you please, courses, friends etc.

He doesn't want you working so he doesn't have to do childcare? He sounds horrible.

He can be horrible I know.

It wasn't exactly about learning. Just that I was interested so I did. Maybe the internet isn't so good as now I would.google the play!

I just am finding getting through each day a challenge. Then realising I have to do the same fucking thing tomorrow.

You're not going to be able to do anything that requires concentration while you are looking after children.
So you need to look at ways of meeting people/ doing things while you are with the DC, which is why people are suggesting going to the park/ library. You'd at least see other parents there, who you could chat to, and get to know if they are regulars.so it is for you, and not just the children.
How many children do you have? Logistics are a problem, particularly if you have lots of kids, but it sounds as if your DH has 2 days off in the week, when you could take a couple of hours out for yourself. Could you find a regular class/ workshop to do? I found a crochet circle was a really good way of getting chatting to people, but obviously this depends on your interests.
Or maybe there is a local WI or other group you could go to.
The thing is is to commit to doing something regularly. You're not going to make friends overnight, it usually takes frequent meetings for a friendship to develop, look at it as planting seeds.
And it maybe easier to tell DH that you have a class every Wednesday and so he will be looking after the the children then, than it is to keep asking on an ad hoc basis.
And if living so rurally isn't working for you, maybe look at the possibility of moving?

This is the thing delph I do all the 'right' things. I go to toddler groups, the library, park, feed ducks, volunteer, but it is not enjoyable for me. It is obviously for the children.

DH has one day off during the week and spends the first half of it complaining about how exhausted he is and the second half complaining how exhausted he will be.

I like where we live it is just there aren't many jobs.

Ideally Id have people to spend time.with mon fri 12-6. But that isn't practical!

Friend of mine found TED talks much more helpful than parent groups, she listened/ watched while keeping eye on the DC. Though by the time they were both at school she reckoned she'd watched "every TED talk EVER". But she found the parent groups unhelpful because the talked about children a lot. I know others who have found them a lifesaver in terms of helping with childcare.

What is TED?

Can you do some volunteering where you can take the children with you eg old peoples care home, there have been some stories in the news where this has been successful

I doubt it to be honest but even so - it's just filling in the hours and the days until bedtime and then the cycle starts again.

I know how negative I sound and it is horrible.

TED talks:

www.ted.com/playlists/171/the_most_popular_talks_of_all?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_IG1uoXP1QIVdSjTCh1faAVWEAAYASAAEgJ5NvD_BwE

You say in your first post that things aren't that great with your DH . When he comes home does he spend time with you, watch a programme with you, show you affection etc? On his days off when "he pleases himself" what does he do - does he not try to make life more fun for you and the DC. Do you think that if you were happier with your relationship and felt more appreciated that the afternoons with the DC wouldn't feel so empty?

I think afternoons with toddlers can be challenging - whatever activity you do you still have to watch out for them and only ever seem to have lightweight chat with potential mummy friends at activities or can't get on an do anything that needs any concentration.

One of my friends who moved to a rural location decided to not spend money on the cinema, play farms, soft play etc and used the money to pay a childminder once a week in the afternoon ( there was an oversupply of CM's in the area so she had some fantastic applicants). The CM meant that all the DC (of various ages) were off her hands and happy as the CM had a small holding with a few chickens, an orchard, rabbits and guinea pigs etc - so lots to do and she baked with then etc on rainy days. My friend didn't rush home to do the cleaning but just chilled, ate cream cakes etc and relaxed child free reading or watching a boxset whatever she wanted and sometimes her DH was able to get the afternoon off so they could have some fun together! She felt it saved her marriage and her sanity.

How many children do you have and how old are they?

Worm, great idea. When DD went to school DH was the SAH parent whilst I worked full time. DS was a toddler, so we paid for nursery one day a week. He loved it and it gave DH some time of his own. When you've no family on hand to help, getting a break can be difficult.

I'm not clear what you think you need though - child free time, new friends, time off to do a course, your DH to help out more?

If you know what you want to retrain in you could volunteer in that area. You could see if there is a MOOC online - Futurelearn and the OU are good for finding free uni modules online in lots of things. It might keep your mind engaged until you can afford to retrain.

My Dc are all teens now but when I was at home with 4 under 6. I found that planning and having a structure really helped. I tried to tire them out as much as possible in the mornings (park, walks, library ,visits) - although I never managed to get them all napping. That meant in the afternoon after lunch I could read books to them or they could watch a DVD and some would sleep and others watch but that I could zone out on the sofa for an hour or so. We would then do an activity to tea time. I built up a big library of ideas and (cheap)craft science materials e.g. salt dough sculptures or pots - make one day, paint the next. Home made play dough then use to do electricity experiments. For a while my DC loved playing "swimming pools" - having a bath basically but with bubbles, swimsuits on and a rotating range of toys - rubber dinosaurs one day, an animal parade the next, pans and cups maybe pick a bath bomb from Lush for a treat etc. The idea was to find things they would enjoy but didn't involve more effort on my part than the fun/time they wanted to engage with it.

Planning and thinking about this stuff did engage me more with them - we had more fun. I also started to think each evening about the good things or things I had achieved ( made a nice meal, DC enjoyed activity etc) like the "gratitude journal" thing - it did actually make me feel more positive.

You need to ensure a bit of time for yourself. I really recommend a yoga class on a Saturday morning or Friday night. To find your nearest class go to bwy.org.uk/findaclass or just look out for notices of classes in your area.
That will make the weekdays better - I used to do a lot of fairy cake baking and playdough....

Thanks worm

He does come in late and work is a source of stress. So I understand in a way the just wanting to veg out.

On his day off which is usually Tuesday or Wednesday he goes to the gym or watches films/TV.

I know what you mean about childfree time but I am very conscious that what I am lacking is adult company and interaction and on the odd occasion I get it I come alive again in a way.

I need to work!

But I have very specific needs. I need to earn enough to break even with childcare costs. I need to work somewhere where I can make friends so temping etc is no good. I need to work at something I'd be good at!

So it is a difficult list.

I just nevet envisioned being so alone. I remember when i had my first child the HV came and I didn't like her as she kept saying "you will need support with a new baby" and I didn't know what she meant. Now, I do.

So getting a job but then I have to do all the childcare PLUS work

Dh makes sure my attempts to work are unsuccessful just by doing nothing.

This is your problem right here - your DH sounds awful. Does he not care that you're unhappy? Why wouldn't he help out with childcare if you got a job? Why does he want you trapped in the house all day when it's making you depressed and lonely?