about loneliness and please tell me how you cope

[mallardponds]

My relationship with my husband is not the best. He does work hard. I will give him that. He is in 4 days a week for twelve hours although it generally goes over as he finishes paperwork. He is usually home by 9:30. He leaves at 7.

I have toddlers at home and keeping them entertained is a constant battle. I do try to get out and about. I go to various toddler groups although many aren't on just now but mornings are usually okay.

But the afternoons are just awful. They drag on like nothing on this earth. I can do things. Soft play is well and good and the children enjoy it but they don't let me read or anything. I actually struggle to focus on a book now. And I read my first shakespeare play for fun when I was 13.

The main thing I am struggling with is crippling loneliness. Dh doesn't work on either Tuesday or Wednesday and just does as he pleases. He takes the older children out on occasion but not the babies. At weekends he will help a bit more and organise a day out or have the children so.I can go to the.hairdresser or something. Weekends are okay.

But I cannot keep going with the relentless Mon-fri between 1 and 6/7 o clock every evening. I am tearing my hair out.

So getting a job but then I have to do all the childcare PLUS work and truthfully I cannot afford to work. And I don't have a great working history. Dh makes sure my attempts to work are unsuccessful just by doing nothing. We live quite rurally so any jobs elicit quite high commuting costs.

I want to retrain but can't afford that either.

Is this just what life is like - do most people go for a big chunk of the day lonely and bored and depressed? Or is there a better life out there for me?

Are you able to put your finger on a few things you would LIKE to do? Your responses sound vague and a bit as if you have already decided it's going to be impossible. That's said kindly - you're fed up and knackered so I'm not surprised you feel like that- but I think you need to have a goal. When you know what you'd like to do if there were no obstacles, then you can start to work through the steps to getting there.

I don't have kids so I don't know how mind numbing and restrictive looking after small kids probably is, but I moved away from my support network to marry and during self employment I was alone all day. It was very hard. I have since got a job with people and I feel much better. It's also in education, and I find the chance to talk about ideas for their own sake has really changed how I feel.

If this interests you and your ultimate goal is say retraining, could you think in small steps and start off say by finding a book group? A chance to get back into focused reading and 'study' whilst meeting new friends. Later, maybe that could become a night class and eventually a new qualification?

You won't change the situation overnight, but thinking small steps towards bigger goal might help you. Wishing you all the best.

OP you must get a job. Ignore posters going about baby groups or routine. Work is absolutely essential for your mental health and securing financial independence from your selfish DH.

What are your qualifications? What jobs are available locally? What do they pay? Have you checked what childcare assistance you're entitled to under new scheme? It's 20 percent per child, 30 hours for DC over 3 etc.

Come on. You need to be systematical. And don't give H a choice. He's going to have to help with childcare. Stop being such a door mat!

Or leave DH, move to a town with jobs and get DH to have kids fifty percent. Seriously he sounds awful.

It can be hard at home having to entertain toddlers all day. But a job you don't like can be awful too but at least you have work colleagues but even they can often cause problems.

Try and get into a routine. Like Mondays you do this Tuesdays do that. And make friends with some local Mums if you can. Toddler groups can be a pain but you mind find you meet somebody you can get friendly with. I think you should start of with one session a week of some sort of class or hobby you are interested in. And your DH will have to step up and take care of things at home.

Op I hear you. I found maternity leave incredibly hard for this reason. I couldn't imagine doing it permanently! My mood lifted 1000 fold when I went back to work. I found a choir where we could take kids along but it was for the adults which was great. Is there anything like that near you? You could even try starting something such as a book group with kids. The TED idea is great. That might help you stick with a book too. Really though I agree with you that a job would probably make you happier.

half the childcare costs are your DH's business. So you only have to support half of them. It may well be better for your mental health to have less money as a family each month.

Have you considered CBT? I think you need to get therapy to try and break the cycle of repetitive behaviour and thoughts.

On your dh's days off, could you get a job even if it's casual cleaning or start a course/hobby? It will force you to get out of the house and mix with other people.

Housework wise - do you ask him to help you or do you have a housework rota?

whatup Dh has always been keen for me not to work.

It is difficult because we have no support at all and so even when all the kids are at school I have to take time off when somebody is ill or when there is a dentist appointment.

Hedges, I know, I never used to be a negative person. I was once cheery to the point of being annoying!

Grobags I know. I'm looking. I have actually found a job I can do but it involves weekends. Dh is not happym

vivienne I know, about work. But we are all different. I think I am just not very good with lots of unstructured time.

DH would not help with housework. I don't.mind. i quite like it!

I think quite honestly that if you were having a regular decent break from the toddler monotony, that the 4 afternoons you are on your own with them would suddenly become a bit easier. Your DH needs to realise you are not the hired help and when he is at home he is equally responsible for the children.

If he is actually the cause of your unhappiness then that is a whole different issue to solve.

I feel your pain though. I've a 3yo and 19 month old not even walking yet. Days on my own with them are dull and tedious but garden play, leave them to play, tv time, and getting out and about make the time go a bit quicker.

It's not forever and eventually they'll all be at school!

I agree with others hat your DH sounds like the problem here. Like you I find unstructured time very hard. It's not a bad thing to need structure and stimulation and company. It's just the way you are. Does your DH know you are unhappy? Does he care?

I didn't really love university for the same reason. Then in my last year I realised if Iwanted a 2:1 I'd have to work for it and I worked my arse off and got it (JUST!)

Not that it has done me any good!

DH is I think fed up of me being negative. So I feel guilty complaining.

Aah OP I totally get where you're coming from! I've just had my 4th and was made redundant 2 weeks before the 3rd was born so haven't worked for 2 years.

It's those long, tired afternoons I struggle with as well.

You don't need lots of money or massive amounts of time to retrain through the open uni. That's what I'm doing, I'm using student finance to pay for it. I've planned it so both of my youngest will be at school full time for my final degree year which takes up more study and placement times. Then I will be able to get a good job with good money, adult company and it will be Mon-Fri 9-5 which is something me or DH hasn't had before in our lines of work.

Are you being negative or are you just being honest about how you feel? If you said 'Being at home all the time is making me depressed and I've decided to find a job as I know that would make me much happier, and the kids would have a great time at nursery socialising with other kids' how would he react?

I think he would say 'ok then' and then sabotage me at every corner! Directness isn't his thing.

I don't think I can do what I want in the OU

I have a toddler and a DH who is away Mon to Fri so I am alone a lot. I work three days per week which saves my sanity and means I look forward to the days doing toddler groups and baby swimming as a change from work. I chat to anyone and everyone, postman, neighbours, people in shops. If you are rural then generally locals soon get to know each other. They are not necessarily friends but help with feeling less isolated if people know your name and who you are. I'm into horses, I found someone to ride for and do that once a week. It's not negotiable with DH. I just get up and leave house. But also actually just getting to point where I can take DD with me and have a lesson while owner comes and feeds DD sandwiches/ keeps her out of trouble! Point being you have to find a way to live your life occasionally and have the children fit in. If your whole life revolves around other people no wonder you're unhappy. I think your biggest problem though is your DH lack of support.

I think perhaps you are being "negative" because you are unhappy and don't know how to find a way ahead when you feel everything (new job, potential friends, breakeven money etc)needs to be in place and perfect because you know he will exploit any flaw to get you at home again.

It seems more and more like your DH is the roadblock. He is giving you an illusion of choice/freedom but you know he will sabotage it. Why is he so keen for you to be a SAHM? Was he brought up by a SAHM, is it cultural,did he have a chaotic childhood and wants your DC to have stability, does he just want control ? He is the one whose mindset needs challenging and to change.

Why can he not look after your DC on at least one of his days off to reduce childcare costs and allow you to follow your heart. He needs to see that a happy you will help create a happy family.

What do you mean you found a job but 'DH is not happy' - HE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU! Jeepers. I'm so angry for you. Take the job. Why do you need his permission? Just because the lazy sod doesn't want to look after his own kids at weekends and you building a career would make you less under his control??

Jesus wept. I'm a widowed lone parent of a three and seven old. It's so hard. But it's a fuck load easier than being controlled by some man child. (not that late DH was a man child,he'd have been out on his ear)

His version of events, if he was answering I mean, goes something like:

"I discouraged her from work at university as I wanted her to concentrate on her degree. After she left she trained in something I had reservations about but I supported her. When she started work she didn't seem happy so I suggested a few times she leave. She has always been stubborn and headstrong so she refused and carried on. Unfortunately after having a baby her working did cause disruption. I kept suggesting she think about giving up. Finally she agreed as she had suffered loss and I think this made her see life is too short. We then had other children. She has tried to work but it is too much for her."

If you're thinking LTB I am going to. But I've still got long afternoons ahead of me. For the rest of my life?

So he'd prefer you to be an unhappy SAHM and would actively sabotage you trying to make yourself happier. No wonder you're miserable. Don't feel guilty; feel angry.

OP, my heart goes out to you, it really does. This is awful and really very unfair.

You sound like a smart, educated and articulate woman. Here's my suggestion: go GUERILLA. Tell your DH you feel like your mind is getting flabby, and you want to train it, doing a MA just for your own interests. Check out local universities - some have good, cheap childcare built in and they have the advantage of plenty of face-to-face contact. Or there's the OU if you can't get out to one. Get yourself a shiny new qualification, and then you can walk out of the marriage and isolated rural life, and into a wonderful metropolitan existence where you are surrounded by friends and support AND are able to support yourself financially.