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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum is being really odd about DPs religious festival

49 replies

DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 08:56

DP is Indian and his family are Hindu. They are lovely people and are always welcoming to me, they include me in everything and are so kind.

Recently it was Raksha Bandhan. It's a festival where sisters and cousins tie bracelets (rukhi) on their brothers wrists for happiness. DP has a lovely collection of bracelets and DPs mum said next year when DS is older, his cousins can tie rukhi on his wrists.

My mum has took offence to this. "Why are you doing this?" "If we wanted to take him to church you'd moan" "are you converting then?" "Why is it you never followed my religion but someone else's is fine?"

When I asked why she's being arsey she told me she just wants to understand Hmm

I should add she's not religious in the slightest, only goes to church at Christmas and hasn't bought me up religiously.

I don't get why she's annoyed by it?

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 11/08/2017 08:59

I'd ask her what religion she is. Hmm

FizzyGreenWater · 11/08/2017 09:00

'Mum if you want to understand, how about you replace the word 'rukhi' with 'Easter egg' or 'Christmas tree' and then maybe you'll get it? Just because a tradition has a religious background doesn't mean that by enjoying it or taking part or it being special to you, you're following the religion it comes from! How would you feel if DP's parents got suspicious at you buying DS an Easter egg and started probing whether he was becoming too Christian? You're making yourself look a bit silly, so please stop'.

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:01

She says she's Christian. She doesn't follow it.

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Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:02

Fizzy thank you, that's an excellent response

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OccasionalNachos · 11/08/2017 09:03

I think a lot of people from that generation consider themselves culturally Christian & it doesn't matter whether they actually practice - my dad & grandparents are/we're similar. The last time my dad was in a church for something other than a wedding or funeral was probably some time in the 1960s. So I can understand why she is feeling a bit strange - Hinduism probably seems very 'other' Although assuming you have been with your DP for some time she must be aware & used to slightly different customs by now.

Smile, nod, ignore.

NataliaOsipova · 11/08/2017 09:04

Because she doesn't understand it and it's "foreign" to her. So she feels insecure. She maybe feels excluded from her grandson's life's in some way? Not making excuses - at the end of the day, it's nothing to do with her - but I suspect that's where it comes from. She doesn't fully understand your DH's family's culture, so she is discomfited by it.

NataliaOsipova · 11/08/2017 09:06

How would you feel if DP's parents got suspicious at you buying DS an Easter egg and started probing whether he was becoming too Christian?

I think that's a brilliant way to put it. It explains it in terms your mum can absolutely relate to and puts the issue perfectly in context.

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:06

I think she's worried about being pushed out. She's very close to DS. DPs family are much bigger than mine and there's always a party on, I think she feels a bit left out.

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Hoppinggreen · 11/08/2017 09:08

My mum can be a bit like this about my dc heritage (DH is German) but I put it down to jealousy and insecurity about their relationship with that side of the family.
I ignore it

MrsJayy · 11/08/2017 09:08

I think that response of replacing a bracelet with easter egg is a perfect response im assuming your non religious mother will "do" easter just tell her these festivals are half your sons culture does she expect you to deny it then you could do the passive aggressive head tilt 😁

belmontian · 11/08/2017 09:09

Perhaps she feels culturally threatened by the 'forrin' side of it?

reallyanotherone · 11/08/2017 09:09

Out of interest, is there a reciprocal festival where the males give the females gifts?

Genuinely interested, when you say your dh has a lovely collection of bracelets, i can see why they would mean a lot to him. I'd feel a bit sad for a daughter if they didn't have something similar though.

As for your mil. It doesn't sound like it's even very religious, more a cultural custom.. but i don't know the history of the festival.

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:10

Yeah she does Easter so if she says it again I'm going to do that.

She loves DP and his family, I think she just gets defensive. It's very annoying

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Flyinggeese · 11/08/2017 09:11

OP would it help of your mum was invited along to the next party or get together your in laws have? Do they ever socialise together?

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:12

Really the women get money! The brothers give their sisters and cousins money in exchange for the rukhi. The rukhi eventually drop off so you don't keep them forever or anything.

It is more cultural tbh

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Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:12

Flying yes MIL always invites her, we're planning to get together soon

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OlennasWimple · 11/08/2017 09:13

She doesn't know what it's about, she doesn't understand something that is important for her GS (and DD, for that matter) and she feels left out and worries that "her side" will be overshadowed by "DP's side"

MrsJayy · 11/08/2017 09:17

I think you are probably right about her feeling left out which is a shame its making her defensive and bitter.

SkyWalker95 · 11/08/2017 09:20

Just a side, Easter eggs and Christmas trees have nothing to do with Christianity.

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:21

The more I consider, the more I'm convinced it's about her feeling left out.

How can I make her feel included? I don't want her feeling upset by this but similarly I'm not going to exclude DS either

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CurlyBlueberry · 11/08/2017 09:23

Easter egg is a brilliant comparison.

I love Raksha Bandhan. My brother now lives absolutely miles away and so we don't always get to see each other in person but I send him a 'best brother' card and a rakhi in the post and he deposits some money into my bank account Grin it's one of the few traditions we actually follow other than the big Diwali family get-together. I haven't really introduced my kids to it yet though, maybe when they're a bit older and can understand.

MrsJayy · 11/08/2017 09:25

Is your son quite young is he her first grandchild ?my mil was a bit weird when dd1 was born for about a year going on about my huge family blahdeblah we made sure we did things with her she was a very oversensitive lady but she did calm down.

Summerswallow · 11/08/2017 09:25

I wouldn't bother trying to make her feel included, I'd make it clear that being with someone from a different culture means following some of their cultural traditions including this one, you don't have to justify it to her or get her 'on side', just present it as what you are doing in your dual culture family. I'm in one, you have to just be assertive about what you are doing and not get swayed too much by what anyone else thinks- and there may be much bigger traditions ahead which she may have an issue with, but it's not about her and it's not her nuclear family. I'd be nice about it, but firm.

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:25

DP has a love hate relationship with it. His sister has put one with bells on his wrist so he grumbles saying he feels like a cat whenever he walks anywhere he jingles Grin

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Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 11/08/2017 09:26

Yes he's her first grandchild, he's 2.

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