To think it was unfair for this guy to lead me on?

[marmiteisgod]

I went to an open mic night last night and as I was at the bar I was approached by a man who said he'd seen me before, turns out he had, I work in a local shop and h'ed been in a few times. We got chatting, flirting etc, and then went back to our respective groups.

He came over a further two times to talk to me, was really laying it on thick. Just as I was about to ask him out, he drops in that he's married. At first I thought I misinterpreted the situation but both my male & female friend assured me he was definitely trying it on.

So nothing happened, he wasn't interested in an affair. I'm assuming he just got a kick out of knowing he could still flirt with someone. But I'm quite miffed. I know some people think its fine to flirt but I feel like he unfairly led me on over a number of hours. AIBU?

He said he was married at the end, after he'd enjoyed the evening of putting hands on thighs.

Yep, using you for an ego/adrenaline boost and copping a nice handful of thigh, guilt free and no strings attached. The arse. As for "just being friendly"- if he'd done it to a straight man, he would've got a fist in the face. Not your fault OP and Yanbu for thinking he was unfair.

Yep, using you for an ego/adrenaline boost and copping a nice handful of thigh, guilt free and no strings attached. The arse

But surely we all just flirt now and again for that reason and no other?

It doesn't sound like he led anyone on; it was what it was. He might not have been very considerate towards his wife, but, honestly, I get this sort of shit pretty much every time I go out. It wouldn't occur to me to think that any of them were genuinely interested!

I'd need bit more effort than a touch of the thigh and a bit of flirting in the pub on a night out to even think someone might want to get to know me better.

I assume that it means nothing.

It think that's the mistake the OP made and now her boosted ego has become a little bruised.

"flirting" is not all one thing, there are degrees, everything from "a flash of the eyes across a room" up to "pretty much full-on groping".

Had he revealed that he was actually married early-on, the OP may well have drawn the line of what was ok in terms of "flirting with a married man" much higher, but he chose not to tell her that so she could not make that informed decision.

"When we sat down he also had his hand on my thigh." This may well have been "a touch of the thigh" as you say or it may have been "a long steady contact", neither of us were there so we dont know. Only the OP knows. Whatever it was though, by him not revealing he was married he took her choice to decide what the appropriate boundaries were away, and thats not ok.

Once you move beyond laughing/giggling/winking flirting into repeated physical contact of hands/arms/thighs, its up to the non-single person in that situation to inform the other person that that is the situation. They may then at that point decide its not appropriate, and the non-single person may well not end up getting to do what they want to do. Thats what being in a relationship means.