Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it was unfair for this guy to lead me on?

54 replies

marmiteisgod · 11/08/2017 08:34

I went to an open mic night last night and as I was at the bar I was approached by a man who said he'd seen me before, turns out he had, I work in a local shop and h'ed been in a few times. We got chatting, flirting etc, and then went back to our respective groups.

He came over a further two times to talk to me, was really laying it on thick. Just as I was about to ask him out, he drops in that he's married. At first I thought I misinterpreted the situation but both my male & female friend assured me he was definitely trying it on.

So nothing happened, he wasn't interested in an affair. I'm assuming he just got a kick out of knowing he could still flirt with someone. But I'm quite miffed. I know some people think its fine to flirt but I feel like he unfairly led me on over a number of hours. AIBU?

OP posts:
Flatt7 · 11/08/2017 10:45

Even if he was flirting (which may be acceptable within the boundaries of his marriage), it doesn't mean he has any obligation to ask you out, or anything that you thought may or should have followed! :p Enjoy the moment, move on...jmo :)

RhubardGin · 11/08/2017 10:46

making suggestive remarks. Also as I said before, he had his hand on me on more than one occasion

You need to be less vague.

What were the suggestive remarks and where were his hands?

St01c · 11/08/2017 10:49

You're getting a hard time for the use of the phrase ''leading on'' I suspect but I know what you mean OP.

My whole life when I was younger, if I was talking to a man in a friendly fashion I was always so careful never to suggest anything that I didn't want to follow up on. If I'd no sexual interest in a man I didn't compliment his six pack with a wink or put my hand on his arm or tell him he smelled sexy. None of that. Just careful. I'll be lynched for this but it does come as a shock when other people don't operate within the same 'code' but they just don't. Your code is your code! I get it. I think life would be simpler if other people all behaved like i do. Grin

StormTreader · 11/08/2017 10:52

Was he not wearing a ring?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/08/2017 10:52

Agreed that you're being too vague.

I get suggestive remarks at work; it's banter - it's the culture here. I wouldn't take it as meaning anything. I'm quite touchy, too.

It seems more likely that he was being natural, then realised that he had given the wrong impression and tried to fix it by saying he was married, than that he deliberately lead you on, got bored and bailed.

FreyaJade · 11/08/2017 10:56

Some people are just really flirty but personally I would not feel comfortable being married to a man who picked out a strange woman to flirt with all night... so yanbu

VladmirsPoutine · 11/08/2017 10:56

Was he not wearing a ring?

That's really a red herring tbh.

Butterymuffin · 11/08/2017 10:57

OK, so flirting is fine now if you're married as long as you don't go off with the person at the end of the night? That's not the impression you get from many other threads. People are talking as if it's ok for him to flirt and presumptuous of OP to read anything into it, when I'd see it totally the other way round! Would you all be happy for your partners to make suggestive remarks to other women about their bodies on a night out then?

Aperolspritzer123 · 11/08/2017 11:06

OP I am 100% with you on this - and I had a similar experience a couple of months ago. Been single 6 months - went out with a friend and a guy in the place approached ME, i didn't think he was that attractive at first but as time went on etc. He spent a couple of hours chatting, flirting with me, touching etc and then just at the end of the night he said he was married...!! I was pretty disappointed tbh! I didn't understand what the fucking point of all that was - he wasn't wearing a ring. Basically he was a tosser and I don't think you're in the wrong here at all. It's made me more careful for next time though.

LanaDReye · 11/08/2017 11:08

He knows where you work and, because he has seen you before in the shop, may feel a sense of knowing you more. It doesn't feel nice to feel confused, but he hasn't obviously done anything obviously wrong.

I worked with a man who flirted with me for many weeks then nothing. Week later he was dating someone else. Turns out he was flirting with two others - just wanted to see what was available. It doesn't feel nice, but going nowhere flirting happens!

ConcreteUnderpants · 11/08/2017 11:13

Wait until you try internet dating!
Messages, texts, calls, sometimes dates, then.....ghosting.

The stuff that happens with OLD is what I call leading you on.

demirose87 · 11/08/2017 11:20

Does it really matter though? He didn't sleep with you, kiss you, take your number or offer to take you out. He only spoke to you. Just forget it honestly. And how did it come about that hes not interested in an affair? Did you ask was he up for it?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 11:22

I would have thought this was obvious; he was flirting, he wanted to see if you would sleep with him. When he tells you he's married, its to see if you will go ahead and do him anyway. You obviously gave off the no vibe to that, so he moved on.

AuntyElle · 11/08/2017 11:23

Good lord, the responses on this thread!! So quick to try to undermine OP.
OP, this happens a lot in my experience. Guys just after attention and an ego boost. Just trying to see if you'll 'bite', ie show them interest back, and then they reveal they are not available. They're not even after sex, just an ego boost.
I had it run over three months once before which was horrible.
It's a cowardly game that bored, settled, usually middle-aged men play.

underthebluemoon · 11/08/2017 11:27

Sounds like he got his kicks from flirting with you. Like an adrenaline boost. And it massages his ego to see if he's still got it.

It sucks OP and I think it is underhand behaviour.

underthebluemoon · 11/08/2017 11:28

X post with AuntyElle.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/08/2017 11:33

I'm not fond of flirty people who do the whole range of behaviours that someone who's interested would go through, when they aren't actually interested. It's all about the ego boost for them I reckon, knowing they still have it, but can leave the recipient a bit confused, hurt even. It's different if you know the person and know it's just "a bit of fun", but otherwise I think it can be borderline unkind. There are certain flirty behaviours I do if I fancy someone and want to take it further (getting touchy-feely, compliments, twinkle in the eye, etc) which, like St01c, I never do if I wasn't potentially interested in getting sexual with them. Unfortunately some people give off the interested vibe when they're not Confused

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 11/08/2017 11:36

I don't think the OP "misread" the situation AT ALL - she and her friends were there, we weren't. It sounds like a typical dull bloke looking for an ego stroke, trying to prove he's "still got it" to himself and possibly his mates. It happens - a lot!! I've seen it loads in the kind of "popular after works" wine bar near me - sad married men (literally slipping their wedding ring into their pocket as they walk thru the door) trying to either pull a younger woman for a ONS or just get a bit of attention from them.

It's shit that he used you for his pathetic game OP but your instincts will be right.

demirose87 · 11/08/2017 12:10

Yes he might have been flirting but I don't think there's any harm done apart from a slightly damaged ego on OP's behalf, as it didn't go any further and nothing happened. Flirting doesnt always have to lead to anything more.

Aperolspritzer123 · 11/08/2017 12:18

A bit of flirting - fine, but this doesn't sound like that.
I felt like a right dick when it happened to me. But as I said I will not be making that mistake again.. next time i might slip a leading question into the convo to find out before I waste hours talking to some saddo married loser

Original poster
marmiteisgod · 11/08/2017 12:39

To answer some Qs: No he didn't have a wedding ring on, but he is listed as married on Facebook (turns out he was in my mutual friend suggestions..)

He was touching my hands a lot, and once put his hand sort of on my hip. When we sat down he also had his hand on my thigh.

OP posts:
NotAnotherUserName5 · 11/08/2017 12:54

He put his hand on your thigh Shock

He sounds a real charmer for a married man. Lucky wife...

Thetruthfairy · 11/08/2017 13:03

I don't think you misinterpreted the situation at all.

It seems like he gets his kicks from flirting. He might have had no intention of taking it further, but it is really not nice to lead someone on.

There also might be a chance he had bumped into someone who knows his wife.

He sounds like a guy with issues.

StormTreader · 11/08/2017 14:28

I dont think not wearing a ring is a red herring as it makes me suspect he was possibly not wearing it on purpose and therefore that its more likely he was actively flirting.

IloveBanff · 11/08/2017 14:40

StormTreader not all married men have wedding rings and what would be the point in him taking his off when he said he is married?