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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and over thinking this friendship?

29 replies

Member652554 · 10/08/2017 23:40

Please be kind as I am only asking this as I am trying to do the right thing. I have met a man who is in a relationship. We have lots in common and he is good to talk to. He says most of his friends are female and his gf doesn't care . AIBU to still feel uncomfortable with this friendship? I'm at a stage in my life where I can't afford to involve myself with people who's intentions are not genuine. He is an interesting person and intellectually stimulating so I don't think want to ruin what could be a good solid friendship. Am I over thinking this? Or is he just twat after an ego and wnk off my attention behind the gf's back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Member652554 · 10/08/2017 23:42

Ignore the silly typosSmile

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 23:46

Trust your instincts, and your boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable with it, there is probably a good reason.

pilates · 10/08/2017 23:47

Steer clear imo could be more hassle than it's worth

SweetLuck · 10/08/2017 23:48

I have a neighbour like this, loads of female friends, and fab girlfriend too. I never felt that he was flirting with me, but did feel uncomfortable at first because it's so unusual for a bloke to be that friendly without sneakily wanting more. I have come to the conclusion that he is just a friendly guy.

Motoko · 10/08/2017 23:48

I'd be very wary. I suspect that he's spinning you a line about having lots of female friends and his gf not caring. Have you ever met her?

Original poster
Member652554 · 10/08/2017 23:54

I haven't met her but I ask after her when we catch up and have made it clear that it would be nice to meet her to at some point etc .

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 10/08/2017 23:57

What has he actually done or said to make you feel uncomfortable?

Original poster
Member652554 · 10/08/2017 23:59

There is just something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's because it would make me uncomfortable if I was the gf?
I said this to him and he was like "don't worry you are not causing any trouble . Everything is fine and we are very happy and very committed"

Which made me feel a bit silly because I thought well if it works for them who am I to question it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Member652554 · 11/08/2017 00:05

And only seems to call or text when the gf is not there?

OP posts:
Theycalledmethewildrose · 11/08/2017 00:10

I knew a man that sounds similar. When younger we went out drinking together, were even flatmates for a couple of years. He had loads of female friends. Things got awkward one at one point when he got a bit flirty. Nothing happened but it did ripple the water a bit tbh. We got over it (ignored it) and I went to his wedding. He now lives in another country and we keep in touch via the occasional FB message.

If in your position, if you feel uneasy about it, you could always ask if he wants to bring his g/f along one evening or ring him at home so you know that she knows about you. If you still feel uneasy about it, then steer clear but you can easily be friends with the opposite gender without it being sexual provided you both feel the same way.

LondonNicki · 11/08/2017 00:18

Hey. You sound lovely. I think he may be less lovely to be honest.

When you say he's great to talk to that's a bit of an alarm for me - you may be in danger of getting sucked into to an emotional relationship and sounds like he's encouraging it. Do you have female friends you could have these emotional discussions with instead?

Original poster
Member652554 · 11/08/2017 00:24

I say that he is great to talk to as we have common academic interests and hobbies etc.

I thought the same thing about perhaps working on my female friends circle instead but then didn't want to throw away a budding friendship based on gender.

OP posts:
DahlTheGalah · 11/08/2017 00:24

If I were in your position, I'd make concrete plans to meet him and his girlfriend together, soon. I think that will tell you a lot: if he makes excuses or delays the meeting, you will probably feel your concerns have been validated; if you do meet them both together, you'll be able to gauge the situation better (both by how they are together, and by the extent to which he behaves differently around both of you compared to when it is just the two of you -- i.e. how is he wanting to portray his friendship with you to his girlfriend, and is that the same impression you have from his interaction with you when you're alone?)

But in general, I think it is almost always best to trust instincts, and I would be suspicious about the fact he always seems to call and text when the girlfriend is not around.

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2017 00:28

54 if you have alarm bells, listen to them.

"I'm at a stage in my life where I can't afford to involve myself with people who's intentions are not genuine." Then I would steer clear of people who make you feel uncomfortable.

How did you meet? Was it through a shared Interest? Work? pub? Mutual friend?

If you are looking for friends find an activity you genuinely enjoy and find people who are connected to that maybe.

BackforGood · 11/08/2017 00:31

I think it depends upon the circumstances in which you met him, and you continue to meet with him.
A colleague you chat to at lunchtime - fine
A fellow enthusiast for a hobby that you meet with at the hobby -fine
A fellow chorister / musician / sports team-mate - fine
A fellow volunteer - fine
A fellow dog walker you bump into and walk alongside - fine

Someone you met on a dating site - not fine
Someone you meet up with for candle lit dinners - not fine
Someone you go for romantic strolls with - not fine.

Original poster
Member652554 · 11/08/2017 00:32

That is some really sound advice there . Thanks to everyone who has replied .
I think I will cut contact until I meet them as couple e.g. organise to meet up for a drink or meal as a group. And take it from there. If I am met with resistance then I know he is a loser .

OP posts:
Original poster
Member652554 · 11/08/2017 00:35

Only time together a such has been at mutual hobbies. Nothing strange. No candle lit dinners I assure you all Smile

OP posts:
hiphopcat · 11/08/2017 00:36

I am struggling (really badly!) to see the issue here.

He is a male who gets on OK with women, and his partner doesn't mind, and he chats to you OP.

Why are you uncomfortable with it?

Are you assuming he fancies you?

If so, why? Confused

And how do you know him? Is he a neighbour, a colleague? What???

And what does THIS mean (from your first post.)

Or is he just twat after an ego and wnk off my attention behind the gf's back?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/08/2017 00:39

Platonic friendships are so, so lovely, and to be valued. But there are lot of men out there who (sadly) give out that they're there for friendship, but would still screw you if the opportunity arose. So you're right to be cautious and (as those above have said) trust your instincts.

I think meeting the GF is vital. You can gauge it from there (and - hey - maybe she's great too!). If he constantly makes excuses about why you don't meet her and up's the flirty-ness, then run a mile!

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2017 00:40

hiphocat "Are you assuming he fancies you?

If so, why?"

Maybe because lots of men tend to fancy women, and some cheat on their wives and girl friends!

Clearly something has made the OP suspicious.

I've got a brilliant male friend, I am not worried about his intentions and neither is my dh (or, I hope, his wife worried about me!).

Something is making the OP suspicious.

BackforGood · 11/08/2017 00:43

Only time together a such has been at mutual hobbies. Nothing strange. No candle lit dinners I assure you all

Well then I can't see the issue Confused

Original poster
Member652554 · 11/08/2017 00:44

HipHopCat Thanks for your insight. This is why I asked to make sure I wasn't being silly and assuming anything.

I am new to mumsnet as you may well have guessed and having read some of the stories of other women;
I did not want to facilitate a relationship that could make anyone uncomfortable .

The last bit about enjoying female attention behind the gf's back refers to him only calling/texting when the gf is not there.
Anyway won't be bothering with it like I said unless in group activities etc until I get to know them more .

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 11/08/2017 00:45

How is he with other men at the group? Does he ever talk to them like he talks to you? Does he initiate conversations with them?
Do yourself a favour and listen to the alarm bells. Be very wary of men who have lots of female friends but no male friends. I wouldnt get involved with them as a couple, or at all outside of your hobby group.

Territeacher55 · 11/08/2017 00:49

We only get one life and sometime's it sadly get's cut short.
So Do What You Want, don't worry about what He want's, or him using you, if you want it, and are happy with his company, Have Fun.
If you have true worrying doubt's, go with them and just stay away.

hiphopcat · 11/08/2017 00:50

Well I don't know what to suggest. I can't see he is doing anything wrong. You said in your first post that he gets on well with women and his girlfriend doesn't mind.

All you can do is play it by ear and see how he behaves towards you.

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