Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage without the wedding.

34 replies

Jammingmarg · 10/08/2017 22:53

So Im engaged and we want to be wed ASAP. I have a 6month old baby with another one the way. We really want to be married before next baby arrives but can't afford the big wedding or any wedding right now.
We're thinking of just going to registery and doing then legalities then in a few years when we'd have saved enough and the babies are older doing a renewal of vows and have a proper wedding day.

Aibu to get married without our family/friends?

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 10/08/2017 22:55

YANBU have you seen the sex in the city film? They are much happier with a small meaningful wedding. Congrats Flowers

KentMum2008 · 10/08/2017 22:56

Nope, YANBU. DH and I married a few months ago, although we did have immediate family there but it was a quick register office ceremony and lunch after. It was totally perfect.

Your local register office should offer something called a basic registration of marriage, it costs around £50 and is just the legal part. No need for a dress/suit etc. You can exchange rings if you want, and it's all over in 15 minutes.

mumoseven · 10/08/2017 22:59

Me and mine got married with just our collective kids ( and one in the making) present plus a friend as witness and the buildings caretaker as the other witness. Then went home and called parents. Still together 25 years later!

Maelstrop · 10/08/2017 23:00

Wish I'd done the registry office thing, nice and easy.

Kpo58 · 10/08/2017 23:03

Seems fair enough, but I would invite at least your parents (assuming you get on ok with them).

TheABC · 10/08/2017 23:08

YANBU - in fact, you are being very sensible by getting the legal protection in place for your growing family!

However, people do get a bit crazy about weddings and you may face a family fall out from going it alone. If that is the case, would it be an option to invite them to the registry office, and then going to a restaurant/pub lunch afterwards where everyone pays for themselves, instead of wedding gifts? It avoids upset, without causing you any significant stress or cost.

You can get a few more ideas from here: I was particularly impressed by the couple who did it for under £300!

www.theguardian.com/money/2015/jun/27/how-get-married-finances-wedding-costs

Save the big celebration bash on one of your anniversaries. It's amazing how much the price tag (and stress) comes down when you are just planning a party instead of a wedding!

Jaimx86 · 10/08/2017 23:10

Someone asked the same question a couple of days ago so you might find this useful www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3000633-To-want-to-get-married-without-any-sort-of-wedding

missymayhemsmum · 10/08/2017 23:13

Registry office. Tell immediate family if you like and let them take you out to lunch afterwards.

Fujexi · 10/08/2017 23:14

I would go for it, if I were you, but tell your parents beforehand. It can cause a lot of hurt otherwise. TheABC's suggestion above is a really good one, I think!

Crabbo · 10/08/2017 23:17

We did registry office with my parents and brother (dh's parents live on the other side of the world), took a few pictures in the grounds then all went for cream tea afterwards. Dh and I had one night in a nice hotel. It was great, would highly recommend it.

Original poster
Jammingmarg · 10/08/2017 23:19

Thanks for the replies. Neither of our immediate families live within 400 miles of us so wouldn't be possible. My partners family make a big big deal out of weddings so wouldn't get us doing this. They see it as in if you aren't having a huge wedding why get married!
We will do the celebration down the line when babies are older to not need me to take them home by 9pm 😂

OP posts:
JuicyCake · 10/08/2017 23:21

We got married, just the two of us, abroad. Had a non-wedding-themed party when we got home. Had a great time & it was totally stress-free. And inexpensive, as the w-word did not apply!
My sister did the registry office with family as they wanted to be married to register the baby. Had a lovely wedding at home a few months after. No Big Day fuss, just a load of mates having a laugh!

barrygibbscheekbones · 10/08/2017 23:23

We did exactly this last year. Just us two in the registry office with two of our neighbours as witnesses. No one else knew about it until afterwards. Best thing we ever did!

Would've cost us around £150 I think, or less, but DH insisted on getting rings made and I insisted on a honeymoon!

User02 · 10/08/2017 23:59

One of the best weddings I atended seemed to be strange at first but as the day and night went on I realised it was a good night. The bridal party (him and her and a friend each as witnesses) went to the registry office. They got married. Then the four went for a meal. Friends joined later in the evening for drinks/reception.
Another couple I know got married with no meal, just the Registray office and strangely they are some of the few couples still together after several decades.
I have also attended weddings with many bridesmaids, hundreds of relatives for the meal and many more arriving for the evening, posh hotel etc. Many of those are no longer together.
I still say that the first one was a good wedding. Dont know the pricing but about £100 for the Registray and about £100 for meal for 4 people. Wedding night in a hotel was a gift. It was a good night.
Choose which is more important the actual marriage or the "do". I would say get married make you and DCs secure and have a party at sometime in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2017 00:21

A wedding is not the marriage. A wedding is just a really expensive party. I went to the registry and it was the best decision ever. My husband and I had a lovely day with no bullshit and no waste of money. Many years later and I have never regretted it.

Seeingadistance · 11/08/2017 02:58

A couple I'm friendly with got married at the registrars with two friends as witnesses. They'd been together for years, and already had two children by then.

A few months later, they had a big party at their home.

It all worked out very well, and was so much less expensive and stressful than a big wedding would have been.

SabineUndine · 11/08/2017 03:33

Do it. I know someone who did it for £150. 2x 9ct gold wedding rings, registrar's fee, £30 on a new frock for her. Drinks down the pub for their parents and two friends they had as witnesses.

coconutwater1 · 11/08/2017 03:45

Got married in the local reg office 11.30am, small reception then left at 3.30pm to go off on honeymoon. Guests made their own entertainment, best thing we did (but looking back maybe of had an even smaller amount of guests) Still married ............many years!

Been to weddings that have cost ££££££ and couples have split up, some trying to outdo each other bigger, better, more, for some it was all about the wedding and not the actual marriage.

You do whats right for you and enjoy it!

OkPedro · 11/08/2017 03:46

No need for a "big white wedding"
Unless you are religious and want the white dress, church wedding?

VisitorFromAlphaStation · 11/08/2017 04:17

Go ahead and book an appointment but make sure you do something special like having a nice dinner or going somewhere nice so you have something nice to remember about that day later. My wedding took like five minutes and some guests who arrived a bit late nearly missed it all, and then we'd picked the long version of the ceremony. The short version would have taken just two minutes. I had bought my dress at the local H&M for something like £30 at a discount, I recall it was a coloured one so I could use it later in the summer. The thought of a church wedding has always made me cringe, I decided never to have one when I was about twelve.... so for me it was the registry or nothing.

SunshineAndSmile · 11/08/2017 05:30

YANBU

DH & I got married on holiday, it was just us and our DCs. Best decision ever and such a lovely day that was just about us and our DCs. We told no one, not even our DPs. We didn't want a fuss or the stress of a wedding and if any family knew about it then it would definitely have turned into a bigger event than we wanted.

Go for it!

Bubwiser · 11/08/2017 05:53

I had a very simple registry office wedding planned because I wanted to save all the frills for our destination ceremony a week later. It was booked for 12:30pm on a Tuesday and the original idea was to go into work as usual that day in our work gear and then just pop into the registry office at lunch to sign the papers (both DH and I worked super close to the registry office at the time).

However, both sets of parents wore me down and made it much bigger in the end. We both took the day off, and my SIL found me a professional makeup artist to do my hair and makeup for £150. My DH bought me a bouquet. My mum had a dress tailor made for me. More and more guests arrived (30-strong in the end, as my then colleagues, being so close to the registry office, tagged along). We hosted a simple lunch reception at a nearby restaurant which ended up costing us around £400. I had a good time but our destination wedding ceremony one week later is the day I tell everyone we were married.

If I could redo the whole day again, I would have just gone with the original plan. All the extra expenditure was just really pointless.

Feliciaxxx · 11/08/2017 06:26

I got married at Gretna Green Registry Office. We had booked a week at a lovely house in the Lake District and were joined for the weekend by my DPs, my brothers and my BFF & her DH. After the service we all went out for supper, went for a long walk the next day and generally had a fun weekend! Managed to stay married for 33 years as well!

Original poster
Jammingmarg · 11/08/2017 09:36

Some really great stories here.
We do eventually want the wedding day we just can't afford it tight now.. With baby and one on the way, plus we moved house a few months ago money is just tight.
On my wedding day I'd like to wear a proper dress and have the sit down meal and reception party but for now since that has to be years off I just want my family secure.
Partner wanted to wait til after it's done to tell his family but I've insisted he tells them our plans, makes me feel uneasy not telling our immediate families.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 11/08/2017 11:24

Do it. If you do tell the family, don't give them too much notice or they'll start moaning about not having a party etc.

Have a party to celebrate 10 years married. Then you'll really have something to celebrate!