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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so depressed and guilty about moving out?

52 replies

butterflying · 10/08/2017 19:43

I'm moving to London to work in a few weeks. First time (bar uni) that I've been out of my family home. We live a considerable distance away. Living in London has always been my dream, I love it there.

I've had all manner of grief from my parents about it, but mostly my mum. I'm an only child, so that's probably why. Comments like 'Oh, we'll never see you', comments about me being attacked and stabbed (or, mostly recently, doused in acid!), followed by a healthy dose of wine-fuelled tears. When they watch the news and see a story about London on there, they'll bitch about how awful it is, in front of me naturally. If they watch a TV show about people renting, they'll bitch about how stupid renters are. In fact, if London even gets mentioned in passing, I just feel myself panicking and tensing up, because I know an argument will beckon. My mum, in a fit of tears, screamed and screamed and accused me of not loving her a few weeks ago.

All this has made me feel really depressed. I can feel their comments about London seeping in and starting to scare me away with a fear of being attacked or caught up in a terror incident. So much so that I'm considering not going at all. We live very rurally, in an extremely expensive area, where there are few jobs in anything other than one specific niche field. I look at my friends, whose parents are so proud of them moving to the city to start their careers, and feel so so sad. I have a really good job lined up with a huge company. But I just feel this really heavy pain in my heart that my parents won't be happy with me unless I stay and find some dead-end job at home, meet a man, get married and pop out endless babies. I'm sad that all I am is a disappointment. I'm too pathetic to be able to cut my parents off, and I'd be consumed by grief and fear if I ever did. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
acapellagirl · 10/08/2017 19:47

OP YANBU but you MUST go to London and start your new job. In the long run it'll do your parents good for you to move too. I'm sure it'll all work out eventually. This saying helped me:
"Be bold and mighty forces come to your aid "

acapellagirl · 10/08/2017 19:50

I was worried about moving in with my DP cos my mother who's an aggressive alcoholic hated him and would disapprove. Our relationship massively improved between me and mum after moving out

ijustwannadance · 10/08/2017 19:51

Go or you will be even more unhappy and unfulfilled.
They are being pathetic. It's emotional blackmail.
Leave and have a bloody good time.

Freddiewinifred10 · 10/08/2017 19:55

You must go to London. Do not be afraid. Your parents are being totally irrational, and are not able to look beyond their own fears to see what is in your best interests. Just calmly state you are going, and that if they make your life choices so uncomfortable for you, by constantly challenging you, it will make it hard for you to see much of them.
Hopefully when you are here, and they can see you are fine, and happy in your new job they will relax and come round. If not, it will be their loss.
Good luck in your new job. Living in London is fantastic.

HerrenaHarridan · 10/08/2017 19:56

Please go. Moving away is always hard, there will always be unfinished business but only you are going to prioritise your own dreams.

Your parents will come to accept it. They will have to.

You will spend your whole life wishing you had if you don't abs that will poison your relationship with your parents.

Spread your wings and fly, it's a beautiful feeling xxx

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/08/2017 19:59

That's so sad OP. ..it's really taking the shine off your move!

You must follow your dreams....it's so corrosive when you end up following someone else's dream!

Can you perhaps take the wind out of their sails by saying look I'll be moving on x,and how about I come back to visit on y weekend. Perhaps your parents will be less hysterical when they have some dates to see you.?

londonfeather · 10/08/2017 19:59

London is brilliant - you will love it.

They have to let go and in time they will get use to it. I bet in the end they will even enjoy coming to visit you.

Best of luck

sizeofalentil · 10/08/2017 20:00

I've lived in various parts of outer and central London my whole life - including some very rough parts - and have been fine.

Really, don't let the horror stories put you off.

piglover · 10/08/2017 20:01

Don't let them blackmail you emotionally like this. They'll probably be better once you are actually gone and they have to accept it, so stay strong!

Motoko · 10/08/2017 20:03

Don't let your parents hold you back. They should be pleased for you, even if they are worried about not seeing you often.

Take that job and spread your wings.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 10/08/2017 20:03

Go to London!

FinallyHere · 10/08/2017 20:05

"Be bold and mighty forces come to your aid "

^ this

Motoko · 10/08/2017 20:08

Oh, forgot to say, I was born in London and lived there for 35 years. I only ever had a bit of trouble once, when I was a punk (showing my age now!) and some lads had a go at me and my friends. Although it was frightening, we didn't get hurt.

VaselineIsNotStylingGel · 10/08/2017 20:09

So are you going to get a local job, way below what you are worth and be bored?
Never find a partner and start a life and family with them?
Generally live your life as if you are 12 years old?

That is what your family is irrationally asking you to do. They are asking you to put your future behind you and indulge them in their fantasy about you remaining a child forever.

Take that job, move in with the love of your life, start a family. They will kick and scream about it, but they will either come round and realise they have gained so much more or they will continue to be negative and be stuck in the past. That should not stop you at all, their reaction is on them, not you.

DancingLedge · 10/08/2017 20:11

You'll feel so much better when you've got away from all this negativity.
They've managed to make you feel nervous about London- that will wear off about 2 days in, when it's all reassuringly normal.
Why not counter their negative stuff by writing lists- what this move will do for your career, places you're looking forward to visiting, different food and culture that will open up to you.
You'll have a great time.

peachgreen · 10/08/2017 20:13

Oh my goodness OP, go go go! I'm so sorry your family are being unsupportive but don't let them influence you. London is WONDERFUL. I moved from a posh Shire to London too and it was the time of my life, I loved every minute of it. And always felt safe.

Maelstrop · 10/08/2017 20:13

This is really unfair of your parents. I presume they want you to stay local?

Please get yourself to London and love your life for YOU, not them. Does your mum drink a lot? I wonder if they're worried that you're the glue in their relationship? It's tough, don't live your life because they're trying to blackmail you.

Good luck in your new job, London is fab, take advantage!

Supper16 · 10/08/2017 20:14

Come to London! It has it's trials (and I don't mean the crime) but it's a great place to spend your youth, make friends, enjoy hobbies, build a career. In years to come you may want to return to rural life, and that's ok too.

Your parents are insular and set in their ways, but they will get used to life without you permanently there. Don't let them hold you back.

CremeFresh · 10/08/2017 20:20

Now listen to me ( stern mum face on ) , you go and live in London , it's an amazing place and you will have the time of your life . Your parents will get used to it and they're wrong to try and hold you back.

My DD has recently moved out and I miss her but the pride and pleasure I get from seeing her spread her wings out ways this.

It will do you good to break away from your parents, try not to engage in any discussion about it, walk away if needs be.

Good luck, spread your wings and go get 'em !!

CremeFresh · 10/08/2017 20:21

*outweighs

Outlookmainlyfair · 10/08/2017 20:24

London is fab! If you don't go you will blame your parents and lead to worse heart ache. Go and enjoy!

seven201 · 10/08/2017 20:25

My MIL was like this about her daughter going to Australia for a year. Constant crying interspersed with silent treatment, all because she was 'abandoning' them all. It's disgusting behaviour. You go to London and you show them how happy and successful you are there. I think you need to tell them firmly to stop bad mouthing your move as it's making you upset and reiterate they will not change your mind.

BitOfANameChange · 10/08/2017 20:28

I'm another parent saying to go. Mine are still teens but I could never use emotional blackmail this way.

You are not responsible for your parents happiness. That is their responsibility.

Kittymum03 · 10/08/2017 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/08/2017 20:30

Go!!!

Your parents will get over it, your mum particularly needs to accept you will live a life different to hers, but until you actually do it, she'll struggle to accept it.

Be careful about any promises to move back one day, it's unlikely if your new career won't be possible in your home area.

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