To feel so depressed and guilty about moving out?

[butterflying]

I'm moving to London to work in a few weeks. First time (bar uni) that I've been out of my family home. We live a considerable distance away. Living in London has always been my dream, I love it there.

I've had all manner of grief from my parents about it, but mostly my mum. I'm an only child, so that's probably why. Comments like 'Oh, we'll never see you', comments about me being attacked and stabbed (or, mostly recently, doused in acid!), followed by a healthy dose of wine-fuelled tears. When they watch the news and see a story about London on there, they'll bitch about how awful it is, in front of me naturally. If they watch a TV show about people renting, they'll bitch about how stupid renters are. In fact, if London even gets mentioned in passing, I just feel myself panicking and tensing up, because I know an argument will beckon. My mum, in a fit of tears, screamed and screamed and accused me of not loving her a few weeks ago.

All this has made me feel really depressed. I can feel their comments about London seeping in and starting to scare me away with a fear of being attacked or caught up in a terror incident. So much so that I'm considering not going at all. We live very rurally, in an extremely expensive area, where there are few jobs in anything other than one specific niche field. I look at my friends, whose parents are so proud of them moving to the city to start their careers, and feel so so sad. I have a really good job lined up with a huge company. But I just feel this really heavy pain in my heart that my parents won't be happy with me unless I stay and find some dead-end job at home, meet a man, get married and pop out endless babies. I'm sad that all I am is a disappointment. I'm too pathetic to be able to cut my parents off, and I'd be consumed by grief and fear if I ever did. I don't know what to do anymore.

Your parents have no right or reasonable justification for emotionally blackmailing you. You will feel bad because that's what they want you to feel. But you will feel a whole lot worse if you don't go.

I let my emotionally controlling parents affect what I did in life. After extensive counselling I realised them for who they are and have to some extent broken free. But I wish to God I'd done all the things I'm wanted to do.

This is your life. Live it (and get your nose pierced and a tattoo for me).

No no no no no
Go and start your job
It will be fab
And if it isn't you can move back you won't
But you will only know I you try

When they say - "don't go - its dangerous - you will be shot/stabbed/burnt/runover/kidnapped/sold into slavery/forced to do your own washing..."

they mean:

"we love you and we'll miss you and we wish you could stay our little girl forever." It is pretty normal for parents to feel like this. Mostly they just say it to each other - but the feeling is usual.

You are taking a big step - and so are they. You'll all cope and adjust.

You must go and enjoy the next stage in your life and have fun with London.

MY DS lives in London - a very long way from me - and I know that he won't be back, as he's married with a family of his own. I won't deny that the distance can feel huge at times, that I'd love to be able to pop round to his house for a chat and a cuppa occasionally, or that it's difficult being a hands-on Grandma from long range...
BUT. He's really happy in London, he loves the bustle and activities that are available to him - and he'd tell you to go, to make a life of your own - and to enjoy following your dream, just as he did.
Good luck - and I really hope that you love London as much as DS does

@acapellagirl - what a great phrase 'be bold and mighty forces come to your aid'!

Moved to London nearly 20 years ago - still love every moment! Tonight walked to London Bridge along a very quiet almost deserted street (less than 50 metres from the Thames) pinched myself to remind myself how lucky I was! Enjoy

That's a dreadful way for your parents to behave.

Go to London. Love it. Get all you can out of the place. It's a wonderful place, and you're going to have a blast.

Your parents should be pleased for you, not trying to guilt-trip you. Ignore them.

Come to London - it's fantastic here! Buy yourself a tourist guide to the place and tick off all the amazing things in it - I'm still working my way through mine :)

My god, your parents have certainly done a number on you. How sick and awful of them. I'm an only child and my parents have always supported me, not terrorized me into feeling guilty that I'm ruining their lives. The time to stand up to them is NOW. Absolutely refuse to stand there and listen to their bullshit. Get the hell out of that house as quickly as possible and start living your life.

I'll come and pick you up and make you go to London !

Don't let your Parents hold you back, ever!

My daughter is 24, moved south when she was 18 and to London at 20. It's the best place for her career. I'm in Scotland. I embrace the fact that I have managed to bring her up to be a confident happy individual who has ambition.
My life changed dramatically after she left. My husband died 6 months later then my son left home for uni 18 months after that.
We have to let our children fly and embrace life (in fact I quite enjoy my freedom now )
Enjoy it OP

Literally 'butterflying'... you absolutely must, and it will be ok once you take that big step!

I wish wish wish my relationship with my mother hadn't kept me tethered to my home town. I should have moved when I was younger. Still an option eventually but not right now for me unfortunately.

Definitely go for it. Now I'm a parent I understand that parents should want their children to spread their wings despite it being scary for the parent. Please don't feel quilted into staying.

Quilted?! That's quite a good autocorrect

I meant guilted of course.

My parents (well, my mother really) still do this to me - I'm 40 and have been in London for almost 15 years now. It's even worse now I have kids. The guilt trips are fucking selfish.

We make sure we visit periodically and unless there is some huge physical barrier, your parents are quite capable of getting off their arse and visiting you. Who knows, they may even enjoy themselves!

Don't let their selfishness spoil this for you.

Go to London, give it a go. You can't live a life you don't want, just to keep your parents happy, you'll be miserable and your relationship with them will be poor because of that resentment.

I'm sure you will be perfectly safe. Just don't walk along Putney Bridge if Angry Jogger Man is there. He owns that bridge, he does.

YANBU and I'm sorry to say that your mum is being horribly selfish and self centred!

You have no more chance of being harmed in London than you do near your home. My niece went backpacking around Europe last year (a uni thing!) and she and 2 others went across 11 countries in 14 days, hitch-hiking some of the way! She, and everyone else involved were fine.

The week she came back, an old mate of hers was killed by a crazed knifeman, HALF a mile from her home.

You can't tell what is going to happen, and you can't live your life worrying. And your mother shouldn't either. She needs to get over herself and quit making you feel bad for wanting a life!

My friend was really upset when her ONLY daughter/only child went to uni 5 years ago. My friend missed her terribly, but even though she and her husband and daughter had a very good relationship, their daughter LOVED being away from home and wasn't remotely homesick. They have a great relationship, but the daughter is fiery and sassy and independent and go-getting (how they raised her!) and she wanted and needed to be independent.

5 years on, the daughter has left uni and still lives in the uni town (40 miles from her hometown,) with her 2 friends. But they see her every fortnight, and ring and skype back and forth, in addition to going on weekend trips with her, and the daughter spending 2 or 3 weeks in summer, and 2 weeks at Christmas with them.

My friend says she cannot imagine her daughter living back home now. She and her husband have got so used to her not being there. And the daughter said she would struggle to move back now too after being so fiercely independent.

My friend took about 5-6 months to get used to her daughter leaving, and your mother will get used to YOU leaving.

You can't let your heart rule your head. It's your life, you only have one life, and you can't let your mother's selfish whining stop you.

GO TO LONDON!

Go for it OP! Your mum is being a bit selfish tbh. London is awesome. X

You know you need to do this. Go to London, start your job, live your life to its full potential.

Your parents should be encouraging you and be proud of you. It's a shame they are not but please don't let that hold you back.
London is an amazing place.

Enjoy your life. Your parents need to accept your choices and be happy for you, or risk loosing you for good because you will not want to come home and visit.

You do not need to cut them out of your life but your need to find your inner strength and confidence.

I agree with BitOfANameChange "You are not responsible for your parents happiness. That is their responsibility."

You can do things to keep yourself safer, being sensible, learning self deference. It's normal for parents to worry. It is not normal to use emotional blackmail to try and keep you there against your will.

I'm assuming you are an adult, so it is your choice where you live.

Definitely go, it'll be the making of you.

And if you eventually decide London isn't for you, after giving it a good go (at least a year or two), move somewhere else, not back to your home town, because your relationship with your parents isn't healthy (their fault, not yours).

Yup it's emotional blackmail. My mother never forgave me for moving away from the old village.

But you MUST do this, as you well know.

It'll be the making of you, and probably your parents too. .

Worth noting as well, I think it's up to half now of the people employed in London don't actually live there but commute in from surrounding areas. If you don't like living in London and miss a more rural/small town life, there are villages /small towns in Kent/Essex/Bedfordshire etc that would give you that while still being able to commute in to work in London.

Your parents made their choice about how to live their lives, you can make your own.

If London is your dream, go and live the dream !
You will enjoy so many more opportunities, meet new people, build a career.

Don't let your stupid selfish parents stop your dreams and ruin your future
You would regret it forever and resent them dragging you down.

It's tricky, isn't it? My friend emigrated to Switzerland and despite a bit of emotional blackmail, everyone is happy now over a decade later and the extended family on both sides visit frequently (including the ones who'd barely left their home town before). Her job really cannot be done from the UK (she tried). In the final analysis, it's much better to have a good job and prospects.

My DH grew up in the NE. We came to London for one year. We're still there 16 years later! It's a wonderful place as long as you have a good job.

I'm 51 and still get this from my Mum about the fact we live abroad, as does my db. It's your life, so live it. Go to London, how will you know if you don't try? You can go home if it doesn't work out.

There's a song by Billy Joel called 'My Life', which struck a chord with me in 78 when it came out. It still holds true for me now, especially when my Mum does the emotional blackmail bit. My favourite lines are ' I don't care what you say any more, this is my life. Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone'. I used to hang on to that in my late teens, and found myself muttering it under my breath last week when she was at the end of a month long stay with us and critiquing everything from the way I'd brought up my son to the style of knickers I wear (I didn't know granny pants became obligatory at 50!!!).