Constant text messages

[zukiecat]

Ok, so DD2 has been very mentally unwell these past few months, she's been in hospital five times since the middle of June, which has been a nightmare, I'm a single parent and don't really have much support in anything, I just have to get on with it

My problem is, and I don't know if I'm being an ungrateful, selfish antisocial cow, but I have one friend who texts me every single day to ask how we are. Now it's lovely that she is concerned, and I get that, I really do, but I get very tired easily as I also have health issues. I always answer the texts, but she can start at say 1pm, and at 8pm she's still texting me, I just find it all a bit too much, sometimes I just want to sit, to read a book, watch to, or just have some simple quiet time to myself.

If I don't answer within 20 minutes I get a flurry of texts asking where I am, what am I doing, am I ok, and it's all just too much sometimes

I work part time, and if I say I'm off to work, there's always texts from her waiting for me at teabreak time

Am I just being a total cow here, but I don't want texts every single day although I do appreciate her concern, she's the kind that takes offence easily and will fly off the handle if I tell her not to text maybe quite so often

What should I do please?

Never ever ask her a question back I.e. "We're fine thanks, how are things?" Deadly!

Just answer "all fine, no news" even if something has happened. You're allowed a few white lies! Just be really boring and the opposite of chatty. A boring dull blob.

If I don't answer within 20 minutes I get a flurry of texts asking where I am, what am I doing, am I ok, and it's all just too much sometimes

And if this shit happens just ignore it as if it hasn't even happened. "No, everything is fine thanks, just doing the usual. Talk soon"

(The "talk soon" is handy as it's a way of saying bog off but nobody can object to it)

Why not try "all fine here thanks, won't be in touch for a couple of days as tired and in need of a break from the world - turning phone off but will text on x day to catch up"

I had a friend like this, and I had to end the friendship. It all got too much, and I felt smothered.
Why don't you text and say you will be turning you phone off/putting phone on silent if you are in hospital with your DD, or caring for her in any way, just to ensure she is receiving all of your attention. In time you may have to just be straight with her, but be prepared for the fall out.

You can set 'do not disturb' to specific contacts, so only hers would be muted?

Some really good advice on here, Thankyou everyone!

I've never been the most assertive of people so saying something is hard for me, but that doesn't get me anywhere.

Her texts start off with asking how DD is, but then they turn into a rant about her family, who she doesn't get on with, having said that she doesn't seem to get on with anyone, maybe she smothered them too with constant messaging

I'm definitely going to take all the advice I've had on here, and get this sorted

With the family texts only one response is really needed:

:(

Cos let's face it all she's looking for is sympathy. So give her that frowny face and get on with your day. Again, nobody can really object to a sympathetic frowny face. Well, possibly she could, lol. But it's worth a try.

Slimthistime

Please feel free! My grandfather used to say it and it always made me laugh!

I had a friend like this. One night, I went to bed at 10pm, woke at 7 and had 102 messages from her! I said something and it did end the friendship, she is narcissistic and it was always because she wanted to talk about herself, how sad, happy etc she was or tell me some fantasy story about everyone taking pictures of her in the street because she's so beautiful

I do understand, really feel for you and I do hope your daughter is doing ok

I have a friend like this (don´t we all?!). I often don´t reply to the first text because if I start, it never stops. I feel bad about ignoring her, but it just gets too much.

Oh my goodness toast!

That is crazy! 102 messages, that would drive me round the bend!

I think you're all right, all the texts are maybe just for sympathy, there was one night when I must have got 50 messages all about her mother's new bed,

I haven't got the headspace for nonsense and moaning about new beds!

Personally it doesn't sound like a friendship that will last 20 years! So I would just block & ghost her! X

about her mum's new bed?

sorry OP she is not a friend, she is just looking for someone to bang on at for hours.

Had a friend like this. It was constant messages and if I didn't reply, I'd get even more. It's all about their need for constant attention, I fell out with her after I didn't react to one of her drip feed messages the way she wanted me to. I've not had contact with her since and it's been bliss. Get rid of her, all she'll do is suck the life out of you.

Yes, Answering all these text messages just drains me, it's so wearying (if that is a word)

I've put the Do Not Disturb thing on until 9am tomorrow, if she persists during the day then I'll just block her I think

I just want to concentrate on DD just now, and my work which I love, and my colleagues are all just the best,

Sometimes people are genuinely concerned or trying to be nice and just haven't got a clue about boundaries and end up going over the top ... but honestly, that doesn't sound like the case here. If she asks how your daughter is and then immediately starts talking about herself, it sounds as if she's using your current situation as an excuse to start a daily conversation with you that immediately becomes all about her.

Some people do also get a bit weird and obsessive over other people's misfortune, and kind of feed off other people's trauma - getting really over-involved in the guise of 'being concerned' or 'just trying to help' but actually they're just thriving on the drama and enjoying feeling important/saintly rather than actually caring.

I agree with others that you should just ignore some of her texts and then, if she asks you why didn't reply, explain that you've had to stop looking at your phone because you just need some time to yourself and lots of people have been texting you, which gets a bit exhausting. Hopefully she'll take the hint.

Shes not a friend OP, I've had people do this to me. They ask how you are, or talk about what's happening with you, then it's straight into their drama for the next 6 hours - even if you've said you're not doing so good etc - they've asked the question and in their mind that's enough. I'll listen for hours to a true friend, but someone who takes the piss isn't a real friend. I agree with pps, the DND feature, just 1 text when you feel like it, and feel free to ignore. I've had friends go awol for a bit when struggling, and I'll maybe send 1 text saying 'hey, I'm here if you need someone' but I don't hound them. Equally the same is true in reverse. Constant, needy, texting isn't friendship, especially when she's adding to your mental load while you're dealing with dd. Her mum's bed is of no interest to you when you're concerned about your child.
Good luck, you've got this!

Yeah, that sounds about right polly

Getting over invested in someone else's troubles under the guise of being concerned, when all she does is talk about herself really, even when DD has been in hospital the texts were endless

She can't text or phone me any more tonight, so that's quite a relief! When they start again tomorrow, as I know they will, I'll just say I'm busy and try not to engage any further

viking

That is so true, one text asking about DD, then it's hours of messages about her and whoever she's fallen out with that day

Any more texts zukie?

Tell her all is ok, busy right now, won't be around till late evening.

This evening tell her, had a good day, but tired will talk tomorrow off to bed as tired.

I would just say, 'thanks a lot for thinking of us, trying to get off my phone as feeling a bit stressed and frazzled and need some downtime.
So don't worry if you don't hear from me for a bit, will let you know if any problems this end. Speak soon'. It would drive me up the wall, try not to worry if she takes offence, you need to be kind to yourself.

Exactly, so she's using your DD as an 'in' to moan at you. If you reframe it that way, does it make it easier to be more assertive towards her? She's not treating you with respect and consideration, so you can take steps to protect yourself against her emotional vampiring. I bet you're exhausted when you finish speaking too. I have an emotional vampire in my workplace and she exhausts me. I've had to limit contact, keep things very short and to the point (but still polite) and never ever ask any questions, because she will launch into an hour long diatribe about the perceived wrongs and woes of the day. which tend to be fairly trivial and just day to day annoyances Hoe you've had a peaceful night and not too many texts this morning

I got more texts last night, I was just heading out to work hen the first one came, so I just ignored it, but when I had my break at 7pm there was a rather snippy text saying I wasn't getting texts again (I used that as an excuse earlier in the week)

She stated the exact time and then sent it using WhatsApp

I just texted back saying "Busy just now, working all weekend, thanks for asking about us, speak later next week"

She then tried to engage me in a conversation about weekend working but I just ignored them, and so far I haven't had anything back

So here's hoping she might be taking the hint

I hope so, zukiecat. She sounds very like my overly texting friend. I react much like you have done now. I find it works quite well. I don´t want to end the friendship as she has many great qualities and I like spending time with her, but I´m not so drained from the endless texts about her life.

It is just so draining, isn't it sonja

If she does text again today, I'll just politely say I'm working, and we'll speak in the next week or so and hope she gets the message

Even on teabreak at work, you just want to enjoy it and not have to text someone, there's usually another colleague there as well, and if it's nice we like to take our coffee outside and relax for a bit (I work in my local Spar shop)