To be really upset and angry after seeing this text

[Curlyshabtree]

A colleague was showing me a photo he'd been sent on his phone when I saw a text he'd sent to another colleague slagging me off. It was nothing really vitriolic but personal and mean. I questioned him and then got very upset. He asked to talk to me about it, he was upset too. Then the manager comes into the room as well, closely followed by the assistant manager. They say they have been concerned about me but have not felt able to ask if I'm OK, but it seems it's okay for my colleagues to message each other about me. For the record I am OK and can't see what I've done that would make them concerned, they couldn't give me examples.
They tried to make out it was my fault?! I am really hurt and upset by the whole episode. The colleagues in question are mortified and have apologised but how on earth do I move on from this? I've worked with these colleagues for a number of years and have always (I thought) got on with them. I am not one to bear a grudge and am generally quite forgiving. But this has really wounded me. I have one more day to work and then I am off for a few weeks which will do me good. WWYD?

Speak to ACAS.
If your manager had an issue they should have raised it sooner through the proper channels.

If everyone is concerned I would be too. And I'm wondering if the messages were actually bad or if you've taken them badly?
Have things changed for you recently?
You say they're concerned but cannot say why- which is odd. What are their points? Concerns?
Maybe the holiday is coming at a good time, but it would be a shame to leave under bad feeling. If you can, maybe email to thank your colleagues for their concern and say you will consider their points over your break and chat on your return?

I'd take your holiday and try and lay it to rest in your mind, and hopefully come back ready for a fresh start! As silly as their actions were, they're obviously remorseful and have apologised and do say they care, so I would find no reason not to try to move forward from it there doesn't seem to be any benefit in dragging it out.

how did your upset manifest itself? i think you should sit down with your manager and ask him for clarity on what specifically his concerns are, whether they are about your work, what the impact is on you of his concerns and what he plans to do to support you.

Try to be clear and business like, not emotional.

Thanks for the replies. I went with colleague into seperate room and cried, he was emotional too.
My manager is pretty rubbish at this kind of thing, she is quite narcissistic so always brings it around to herself. But I do like Kimmy's suggestion. However I won't be seeing my manager until after my holiday.
Nothing had changed for me, so no idea why they would suddenly all be concerned. They told me numerous times how great I am at my job. I don't plan to drag it out but can't help feeling really rubbish

So you found one colleague's messages about you and then two managers came in and defended him? I would have felt bullied at that point and if I could, I would have gone home.

I'm a bit confused.

Could the upsetting thing the colleague texted about be something your manager would be legitimately concerned about also? Or was the text about something which would genuinely be of no concern to work management?

That's really upsetting op.

I had a similar situation. A junior member of staff sent a text strongly saying I was difficult to work with. She accidentally sent it to me. She was very apologetic. We used it as an opportunity to discuss how we could work better together. We went on to have s great working relationship.

However your situation is different as people have been talking about your back. It sounds like this could be bullying. Good idea to get your union involved, if you have one.

YANBU. That sounds awful and anyone would be hurt.

Don't speak to ACAS at this point. There's no point as they aren't carrying out the disciplinary/capability procedure. Do join a union as this could happen again and they may try to escalate matters then.

All ACAS will do is inform you of your rights and mediate between you and your employer. Which is a lot different to being represented by an organisation which have the resources and money to take action on your behalf if you are treated unfairly or illegally.

Can you say more about what the messages said?

They didn't defend my colleague, he is gonna to be reprimanded. But they turned it around so that the situation was of my making due to these alleged "concerns". I didn't feel that my manager managed the situation very well. And I ended up feeling worse!!
The text was personal against me and not sent on a work phone so the manager doesn't have to do anything but will as it was sent during working hours.

they couldn't give me examples.
They tried to make out it was my fault?

Sounds to me like they have been talking about you behind you back and they have been rumbled. To get out of looking bad they are turning it around on you. I think they are gas lighting you.

I would want examples and evidence of their concern otherwise I would be making a complaint to HR about being bullied.

I am in a union. I think I will get through tomorrow then come back in a few weeks and be the bigger person. What should I be looking for from my manager? I am seriously going to be looking for another job!

What did the message say? Does it connect with their apparent concerns or unrelated?

What did the text message say?

And what did your colleagues say their particular concerns were?

All seems very strange!

What did the text say and what are their concerns? Can you say to give context?

The behaviour of your collegue and managers sounds very unprofessional, they should have raised it sooner through proper channels. I would have a meeting with them, to find out specifically what the issues are. If there are none, mabey contact your union or HR. Sounds bullying to me.

Sounds very unpleasant and bullying. Do you think it was banter that got out of hand or more than that? Neither is ok, of course.

You can take it further or tell your manager that she does need to take action and deal with this. If you are to continue to work with these colleagues it needs cleaning out and properly dealt with rather than festering. If your manager is inexperienced or hopeless then HR should step in. It's just possible you can sort it with the colleagues without going official but that would require a lot of explaining, apologising and sincere regret. And a lot of forgiveness from you.

You won't ever properly trust them again and that's sad.

I am sorry to hear this, it sounds crap. You asked What would you do? I would:

Take these two issues as separate, if possible

Your colleague was mean to you but clearly he was upset by this too.

Have you made your peace with him? If not can you have a chat over coffee or by phone and clear the air.

What caused him to be upset with you?

Is it personal, friendship, romance (or unrequited love on his part/attraction)?

Or was it professional (you did not do a good job on something or he didn't and you called him out)?

Or was it totally separate - he was jealous of your work/promotion blah blah etc?

Once you have made your peace with your colleague, I would forgive him and those he texted but treat them with caution. Maybe he wanted you to see the text, maybe he wanted it come out. Try and get to the bottom of it is you wish to BUT in future I would keep work and home life separate.

Do you share much about home at work or engage in chat about others home lives etc?

If so, I would suggest do not share too much about personal/home/health issues etc.

Make sure you have plenty of great people to do that with away from work.

It is not necessarily bad to share with people at work and sometimes very positive to do so. My colleagues know a lot about me and I know a lot about them. However, my work place is a very friendly work place and I know other teams may not be so close.

I just feel if things go wrong, work gets very hard, mistakes are made etc, if there is too much 'home talk' at work some may claim that that causes disruption etc.

In terms of your manager I would either write an email and express my unhappiness about the very unprofessional 'mob-handed' behaviour of my manager and assistant - and send it now; or write email but keep and see how I felt before my return.

EG

"Then the manager comes into the room as well, closely followed by the assistant manager. They say they have been concerned about me but have not felt able to ask if I'm OK, but it seems it's okay for my colleagues to message each other about me."

This is so unprofessional, they should have asked for a meeting and been much more formal and helpful. If they had concerns they should be able to name them.

I'd also gather examples of praise of my work and good reports/references by email that I had already had from colleagues and if there are any discussions on performance I would produce a sheet of printed emails saying what a good job I was doing.

If you have left work for your holiday just make a hand written list of examples you remember. You can check details later.

The issue is their issue but it is affecting you. Maybe compiling evidence of their failure and your good work will prepare you for return.

And then chill. Be nice to you, do nice fun things, build your confidence up.

Pamper yourself. BE nice to YOU.

Good luck.

Phew, sorry, way too long!

This makes no sense. Was he upset that he'd been caught or upset that he'd upset you?

What was the message? Was there no indication of what they were concerned about?

Truth be told, if you've always gotten on with them, and they're ALL concerned about it...it sounds like they might be genuine about it?

Sadly, I've had a similar scenario. First time it happened I approached one of my managers who basically said because it had happened outside of work, he couldn't do anything.

When it happened a second time I went to MY manager who spoke to the person who had been sending the messages. We then all sat in a room and I lit rip at him, in an angry but controlled way.

Once I had got it off my chest, I felt a whole lot better and couldnt give a fig what he thought of me. Now, 18m or so on, we're good colleagues and I'd even say friends.

OK, this is a really horrible thing to happen and I'm not surprised you are upset - most people would be.

However, please do bear in mind that most bitchiness isn't intended to be as hurtful as it sounds to its subject. People often say VERY cruel things in a spirit of spiteful jest. It's sadly just how many people are. Please do bear in mind that your colleague was mortified and upset that this had happened - he clearly does care about your feelings and regrets his unwise choice to send that text.

I also think it sounds as though your manager is expressing some genuine concern. She has done the right thing in disciplining the person who sent the text, but she has also clearly seen this as an opportunity to raise something with you that is concerning her. I am not sure that sounds like someone minimizing - it sounds like genuine concern. Are you sure they're not honestly worried about you? Someone can be performing well at work and still giving concern in their behaviour, so it's not necessarily any kind of accusation of incompetence.

My colleague was upset that he'd upset me AND that he'd been caught. Obviously I wasn't meant to see the text.
Colleague was saying he doesn't know how to approach me, I said he could easily text me and ask if I was ok.....
The comment was bitchy and personal. Not going to give it credence by posting it here.
It shows my colleague as very two faced. It would seem that it's just texting colleague (also team leader) and the manager who allege they have concerns, not the whole team.
Yes we do share home stuff and enjoy a relaxed work environment. So perhaps I will be more guarded from now on.
Thanks for all the great advice

How can they have "alleged concerns" about you, but not be able to give you evidence?

If your manager has had so called concerns about you these should have been addressed via the appropriate channels, such as supervision, not in front of other colleagues and worked with you to help support you. Could they inadvertently be saying that there are capability issues and haven't got the evidence to address?

I'd have a chat with HR when you're next back at work, but from what you say, it seems very poorly managed.

Im not sure that texting "Did you see her come in today with a face like a slapped arse? Bet shes been on the Gin again!" can be framed as "sharing concerns".