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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 23:00

No sima I'm not the one forgetting that. You lectured people about them being aware of children with SENs. Many parents of DCs with have already commented on this thread.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 23:02

I know not all children with autism are the same.

Dd thoroughly enjoyed museums and the like.

Ds would have had a total meltdown at all the sensory input and much prefers to be outside.

sima74 · 11/08/2017 23:05

Yes many have, but not all, and like I said earlier, not ALL children with autism are the same and have varying and sometimes complex needs.

squoosh · 11/08/2017 23:06

DD came first in an event in sports day a couple of years back. Mum convinced her child was 1st not 3rx and had an actual argument with the teacher over it.

Oh that poor kid. How embarrassing!

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 23:09

Pixies, I think I'm just going to give up now.

I've had wine and it probably won't end well. Grin

milliemolliemou · 11/08/2017 23:11

Mycats a bee and an ant section - where's this? not for absolutely brilliant DCs who are in stellar careers because of my Extreme Parenting (and play 20 musical instruments) but ... just for me?

Goldenbear · 11/08/2017 23:14

MycatsaPirate, the Dad you described sounds inconsiderate and selfish but what is wrong with talking about architecture. My DH is an architect and he was doing exactly that with our DC on the viewing level of the Tate. It is not 'boring', it is fascinating and the children were surprisingly engaged, I think it's good to share your passion for something if you have it.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 23:16

I'm well aware of that thankyou sima what with being a parent to an autistic child with complex needs myself Hmm

My point was you appeared to be lecturing others whilst being unaware that SENs parents had already commented.

This thread is really annoying, you do not know anything about the parent or childs background- everything that is being said on here about 'performance parenting' is exactly what speech and language therapists and RDI professionals instruct parents to do with children who have SEN such as autism. How dare you think you have the right to criticise these parents?

I AM one of 'these parents' as you succinctly put it and I objected to you saying that professionals advise this. I have never had an SALT professional advise me to shriek at DS whilst engaging with him, and I'll wager very few other professionals have advised other SENs parents to do the same too.

The OP objected to the shrieking. Nothing else.

user1479335914 · 11/08/2017 23:17

YANBU because this person is trying and succeeding in dominating the space, including the audial space which other people are in too. Sure she is alright to go to a cafe with her child and read to DC as long as it does not disturb others. What she is doing is the equivalent of someone playing their own very loud music in a coffee shop. Its just so selfish that anyone would be annoyed.

Could you ask her outright to read more quietly as she is disturbing your own reading? An exhibitionist parent like this probably needs to be challenged and made to feel a tit for doing what she does. Nothing lost by asking her to tone it down.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 23:21

I think its hilarious that everyone who objects to a woman shrieking across a cafe is a child hater who doesn't engage with her children.

Before the days of online shopping, God bless it, I used to either give DS my phone so he 'zoned in' and helped limit the sensory overload or I'd sing to him gently to keep his focus, I thought I was singing low enough to him but I obviously wasn't because a bloke came round the bread aisle in his work overalls and started joining in our nursery rhyme! Grin I'm sure he'd have been less likely to be so engaging if I was yelling wheels on the bus Brian Blessed style!

sima74 · 11/08/2017 23:26

My daughter has autism, our RDI consultant has told us which techniques will work well for her- some of these may look like performance parenting to an outsider. Thats all- maybe I should have said that to begin with.

Alltheprettyseahorses · 11/08/2017 23:30

at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump

If she was reading at the top of her voice (which would be very wearing on her) then how would you know she was shouting? It wouldn't have been any louder.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 23:33

Sima, good luck to you. Our consultant didn't believe in autism and said ds would 'get better'. Hmm

Do what is right for your child . I doubt people will think you are being a PP.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 23:43

And I mean that most sincerely... the good luck bit.

It is tough.

sima74 · 11/08/2017 23:49

Youthecat thank you.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 23:52

If she was reading at the top of her voice (which would be very wearing on her) then how would you know she was shouting? It wouldn't have been any louder.

The OP said they were over the other side of the cafe. Sounds like shouting to me, and I'm partially deaf so anything loud to me, is louder to others.

YouTheCat I think we may have spoken before . Do you have the same crap consultant as us?...

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 23:55

Not at all sima . We were given advice which would probably look odd / ott too. But then DS is almost 9 and has the mental age of a three year old. I wouldn't think you odd or pp at all. Like I said its the shrieking the OP objected too. Apologies for being snippy with you earlier. Flowers

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 23:57

I don't think so. I really hope she has retired by now as she was ancient in 1998 when ds was diagnosed (begrudgingly, as being mildly autistic despite being non-verbal at 4). My kids are 22 now. Ds is still non-verbal.

I can't even remember her name off the top of my head, though it may come to me tomorrow when the wine has worn off.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 23:57

I'm the one who's consultant said to me "but DS can't have autism, after all, he talks to me okay".

That came from someone meant to be specialised in the condition. Bloody scary.

TeamCersei · 11/08/2017 23:58

Dad moved in front of me and dragged his son over (who was about 12) and proceeded to talk very fucking loudly to him - See son? That there is xxxx building, that was built in 1834, remember when we looked around there and talked about the architecture? Blah blah blah - son look bored fucking shitless.

That's the funny thing about Performance Parenting. The children always look bored shitless Grin
Let them look at the view for christ sake.
Stop talking at them.

Life doesn't have to be a constant fucking commentary.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 23:59

I think it's a different person but I can well believe it. It took until ds was 9 to find a SW who had any idea of meeting his needs.

I'm in the NE.

bbismad · 11/08/2017 23:59

YABU and actually, mean and self centered.

You know what annoys me.... women judging and running down other women for parenting their kids in whatever way they feel fit.

Mumsnet just proves that no matter what happens, what we do, how we parent etc that there will always be someone there judging and nothing about it.

Totally unfair. Coffee shops are public places, get over yourself.

YouTheCat · 12/08/2017 00:02

bb, we have descended into being lovely, respectful and reasonable to each other now. I'm afraid you've missed the boat.

MaisyPops · 12/08/2017 00:03

Starting to feel that even a broken record won't get some people to see that:

  1. It's PERFECTLY FINE to interact with your child in a range of ways. and many people have said on here they do this and people have sais it's lovely to see
  2. Don't be disruptive or inconsiderate because then you're being rude and entitled and generally passing everyone else off.

It's not difficult. Hmm Anyone who can't get that clearly has a bit of inconsiderate or performance parent in them.

MaisyPops · 12/08/2017 00:04

*pissing everyone else off