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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friends are a bit shit?

50 replies

buckeejit · 10/08/2017 09:43

I'm really fed up with people in my life. My brother & his wife have let me know 3 weeks before a family holiday that I've paid for (rented seaside house less than an hours drive away), that they're not coming anymore. No sorry to disappoint & let you down, sorry about your wasted money, no decent excuse at all, just 'sure you'll get someone else to take the room' assumption.

I'm 40 tomorrow, never normally expect anything from friends for my birthday but I'm 40 ffs. 2 of my 'best' friends for nearly 30 years I invited for drinks & games on Saturday. One of them initially responded with 'depends on caravanning etc' & the other has just text me after me chasing her for days to say her boyfriends family is visiting so they can't come.

Jesus, I was available to do whatever they wanted for their birthdays & am feeling really shit & disappointed now. I've been there for both of them over the years & at short notice consistently to support them through relationship issues.

How can I get over my anger about this? I don't want to spend my birthday feeling resentful. Others want & expect big surprise parties. I feel like I just want my friends to give a bit of a shit & feels like they don't.

OP posts:

Bettydownthehall · 10/08/2017 09:46

I think you should let them know how you are feeling. Otherwise it will keep happening. A decent friend will be mortified that you are feeling crap and their behaviour made it worse.

Birdsgottaf1y · 10/08/2017 09:47

Have you told them that this was special to you?

FrogsSitonLogs · 10/08/2017 09:51

Oh that's shit OP. Have you told them as I think you need to.

Judging by the other thread a bundle of MNtters and their pets will come with you.

DingDongDenny · 10/08/2017 09:52

I would also let them know you are really disappointed and ask them to come up with a date that suits instead to celebrate your birthday.

As for your brother - what did you say when he cancelled?

Sunnydaysrock · 10/08/2017 10:00

You have to address this otherwise the resentment and anger will build up.....Or the other approach is to follow suit, or if that's the level of friendship they show you, make that the effort you too put into the friendship, and think about developing different friendships. You can't 'make' people be better friends and sometimes you have to accept that and move on. It's completely shit and you have every right to be upset and annoyed. Hope you have a good birthday despite all this crap

Original poster

buckeejit · 10/08/2017 10:01

Thanks, I will let them know.

It's almost like I feel a failure because of it. One of them is a counsellor too & we arranged a babysitter to go & stay over for her birthday recently.

My brother seems oblivious that they've done anything wrong, even with me spelling it out to them! Sil is often complaining about clients arriving 20 minutes late & not saying sorry as that puts her out for the day but they've basically prioritised things that have come up after they committed to the big family holiday.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 10/08/2017 10:03

I agree you need to address it otherwise your resentments will grow, which wont help.

GoEasyPudding · 10/08/2017 10:07

What's the situation with the holiday? Have you booked it and are you expected to refund your brother? Or have they not paid yet?

HipsterHunter · 10/08/2017 10:10

Can you call your bro and have a bit of a "hey bro, what's the deal with the holiday? Obviously I was really looking forward to seeing you - what has come up? Also can we talk about what to do about your room? I can't afford to be out of pocket on it because I booked it after you said you could come."

With your friends, yes they are shit but people generally prioritise big fuss parties over a night in which is seen as something that can be rearranged/missed.

Def call your friends and say you're a bit upset that they have prioritised other things over your birthday, say you would like to celebrate with them and suggest another date.

Ginslinger · 10/08/2017 10:11

I would be polite but firm and tell everyone that you are hurt.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2017 10:11

I feel for you - I don't know what you do except accept that they're all shit and let it go.

It was my 50th in July - luckily I spent it with people who care about me (my best friend and her family) because my own family were fucking hopeless. I barely got a card from them and then it was from all of them in one card. No present. Crap - but no less than I expected, I suppose (actually I did kind of expect that my Dad could possibly have given me a card by himself but hey).

And my best friend, whose birthday it also was, ALSO had shit friends and family who let her down at the last minute and cost her lots of money by dropping out of a joint holiday at the last minute with no offer of recompense. People are shit.

GingerRogers84 · 10/08/2017 10:13

Maybe there's a Surprise happening? Obviously you wouldn't be in on it! Have a good birthday

TiredMumToTwo · 10/08/2017 10:14

That's shit, I'm feeling a bit let down by one of my best friends at the moment too after being fobbed off one too many times. You need to let them know that you need them right now and would appreciate a bit of support, hopefully they'll realise they've been crap and be over asap. Your brother on the other hand should totally know what they've done is unacceptable and I'd be sending him the bill for their room.

Laiste · 10/08/2017 10:16

and for tomorrow OP :)

How can I get over my anger about this?

For the long term? Expect little or nothing of these particular people in the future and they can't let you down any more. Rise above the lot of them.

People constantly (used to) amaze me with their rudeness and lack of manners and consideration for others. Now i just roll my eyes - it's to be expected. I treat people the way i would like to be treated. I've given up expecting the same back and then i'm never disappointed. Occasionally i'm pleasantly surprised.

Oraiste · 10/08/2017 10:17

Agree with Hipster, have a frank chat with your brother. See what he says but he might not move.

As for the friends. My 40th went pretty much unmarked by everyone despite me remembering other peoples. The following week I arranged something for me that I would enjoy and buggered off for the day. As, unfortunately, you know in advance I would make my own plans for the day.

As it is I now make less effort with other people's birthdays/occasions.

DopeyDazy · 10/08/2017 10:21

Feeling your pain my birthday is xnas eve and never had a party as everyone is always too busy getting sorted for the big day. Usually get one 'big' present for both days which is the same value as other family members xmas presents, have even had the same present once as brother with happy xmas on his and happy birthday abd xmas on mine. Treat yourself to something nice x

shouldaknownbetter · 10/08/2017 10:23

I had a 'friend' who treated me this way for years... never made any effort, took ages to respond to my texts if she even did at all... and the anger and resentment DID build up to the point where it pretty much destroyed the friendship. I never broached it with her as I thought it would sound petty- the fact that i couldn't broach it was a sign that we weren't as close as I'd once thought. Now, we just see each other occasionally/ at group social events as I refuse to be a mug.

You can't change people OP, you can only hold your head up high and walk away, I do firmly believe that by setting our standards we attract better treatment into our lives.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 10/08/2017 10:24

I hope there's a surprise coming. Hope you have a Happy Birthday!

St01c · 10/08/2017 10:28

You could be me. I read on here that the advice is to walk away but I never had enough friends to cut out all of the friends who disappointed me so I literally wouldn't have had one left. I am a single parent which is very isolating so I have tried to join a few groups. It's hard though. When the group ends you hope they'll continue to meet and sometimes they do, once. All I can suggest is to keep joining things that you want to do so that you're busy and it takes your mind off how disappointing your friends are. I feel like I'm good company but I've been watching a lot of youtube clips about charisma and authenticity, belonging, all sorts....... just trying to get some understanding. On my fortieth, I had to drag out three friends and it was a nice dinner and I'm still in touch with them so I think they are friends but really, neither was racing to get out to celebrate with me. Both are married and had more conventional celebrations with couples where the numbers are bigger and it's less stressful/hurtful/significant if people can't make it. Happy Birthday!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 10/08/2017 10:33

Och OP. This is shit. Ive just got back from a 'big family holiday' with in-laws (aka my personal hell), but we would never have dreamed of cancelling like that. That's incredibly rude of them. I would definitely have a word with your brother about it, if you haven't already. I don't expect an apology and offer to help find someone else or to cover the costs another way.

Re your friends, unless there's a big surprise coming, that is also pretty shit of them. I wouldn't make so much effort for them in the future.

Here's some and for you. I'd send you a hug, but this is MN ffs.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 10/08/2017 10:33

I would expect an apology. Why does autocorrect hate me?

St01c · 10/08/2017 10:35

PS, it's probably too late for this time as you've no doubt sent the response, but I read somewhere that when somebody has hurt you with their lack of effort or their thoughtlessness, a good response is ''ouch!''.

It's not accusing them of anything per se (ie you're not saying ''you're so this, you're not xyz enough'' but I guess it's acknowledging at the same time that what they're not offering hurts ). So I have used that a few times.

Giraffey1 · 10/08/2017 10:43

You need to tell your brother that you are sorry he can't come on the holiday but that he will still have to pay up as you are unable to find anyone else to come as it is such short notice. Stand firm!

And happy birthday for tomorrow. I find sometimes, like you, I have expectations of others that aren't met and then I feel disappointed. It's not a good feeling, I know ....

meatup · 10/08/2017 10:44

When did you invite them round? Your brother needs to pay you his share!

Fishface77 · 10/08/2017 10:44

Contact your brother and say atvtyis late notice I can't find anyone to take your place you owe me x amount.
Contact your friends and say I'm really disappointed that you've let me
Down especially when I make such an effort so when are you free to celebrate my birthday?

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