To think my friends are a bit shit?

[buckeejit]

I'm really fed up with people in my life. My brother & his wife have let me know 3 weeks before a family holiday that I've paid for (rented seaside house less than an hours drive away), that they're not coming anymore. No sorry to disappoint & let you down, sorry about your wasted money, no decent excuse at all, just 'sure you'll get someone else to take the room' assumption.

I'm 40 tomorrow, never normally expect anything from friends for my birthday but I'm 40 ffs. 2 of my 'best' friends for nearly 30 years I invited for drinks & games on Saturday. One of them initially responded with 'depends on caravanning etc' & the other has just text me after me chasing her for days to say her boyfriends family is visiting so they can't come.

Jesus, I was available to do whatever they wanted for their birthdays & am feeling really shit & disappointed now. I've been there for both of them over the years & at short notice consistently to support them through relationship issues.

How can I get over my anger about this? I don't want to spend my birthday feeling resentful. Others want & expect big surprise parties. I feel like I just want my friends to give a bit of a shit & feels like they don't.

Their responses will tell you what to do next ie cut contact or not

I've had something like this. If you don't let people know you're upset, they don't know there's a boundary there. It sounds to me that you might need to communicate more when people upset you. Maybe start with your brother. No need for a beating; you could start by telling him how disappointed you are. Use 'I' statements, rather than 'you'.

Were you treating your family to the holiday, or were they supposed to share the accommodation costs? If the latter they need to pay up.

I think you're U re the friends: the thing you organised was low key, it's the summer and people are busy.

So what was the holiday arrangement?

I've had similar recently and realised why - it's like everyone thinks that other people are meeting my emotional needs so they think they don't have to ie people think I am more popular than I am and that absolves them of responsibility. Since splitting up from my STBXH three months ago I've really noticed it - everyone says 'let's catch up' but are less available to actually do so more than once.

I am still trying to work through this, but have found the following helpful:

1. Don't invite anyone to anything that I can't do alone. I ended up going to a movie alone recently after some cancellations which wasn't so bad in the end.

1. Invite people to specific rather than group things. A 1 on 1 catch up is more likely to go ahead than a 10+ people dinner.

1. Pay better attention to the people that do give me time.

Still a long way to go, but hope that helps ...

"I've had something like this. If you don't let people know you're upset, they don't know there's a boundary there".

This was me too, for years, decades.

Can I just add something (which I've only recently realised myself). There are a lot of people who will choose to do the easiest, most convenient thing in difficult situations. If you don't let people know you're upset and make your boundaries clear, letting you down becomes the easiest, most convenient thing for them to do.

Buck, what I get from your OP is that you're a low-key, 'don't make a fuss' type of person, so is it possible you're not in the habit of making your wants felt clearly, so that people think you're very free and easy about arrangements, and unproblematic to cancel on? That doesn't make it OK, obviously, and your brother is inexcusable to think he can opt out of a holiday you've already paid for. But, in defence of the friends re your birthday -- how long ago did you ask them, and did you make it plain it's an important occasion from your POV? Because at this time of year, if someone asked me around for what sounded like a very casual get-together, I would also be juggling it against various weather-related summer activities.

Should have taken a deposit off them so you're not left with whole bill
It was v generous of you to pay for your own birthday holiday all yourself
Do you really want yo spend time with people who don't want yo spend time with you??
This is why I hate birthday arrangements, hate pressurising people and get hurt with the rejection
Sorry this happened to you

he should still pay for their rooms

Your family should still pay their share of the holiday.

Have a lovely birthday.

Ahh OP! August birthdays are the worst, aren't they?! Myself, DD and DS all have August birthdays which means people are always busy on your special day. OK maybe second worst time to have a birthday, end of December is probably even worse.

I like st01c's idea, if not too late already. Or maybe... "Are your caravanning/boyfriend family plans still going ahead? Only everyone has bailed on me for tomorrow and I'd really like to spend it having a drink and some cake with you guys."

It hurts, this shit happens to me allll the time and I know I'd probably not even send that message for fear of further let down/humiliation, but might be worth a try?

DD's birthday is August. When she was quite little (pre-school age) I wold move her birthday to September, as so many people were away in August.

If I wanted good weather for a particular birthday, say my 30th, I would move it to July. Your birthday can be what you make it!

Thanks so much for the replies all & I'm sorry others have experienced similar crap.

I'm paying for the whole holiday-dh family all coming for half the week from England, (we're NI) & my lot for the other half of the week. Bro & sil are quite clear I think how I feel but It might feel better if I say I expect/deserve? An apology-it would take some effort to find someone available at such short notice that would want to spend time with our family & that we'd want to spend time with. Will think on this.

I am totally easy going & would just rather spend time talking with friends than out somewhere but I seriously never expect much of anyone-I'm not liable to list the times & things I've done for my friends but my considerable weight would be weighing the scales down if I were. I messaged about birthday eve plans weeks ago & have had to chase her several times for this response.

I just feel so teary now-since telling latest let down friend that I'm disappointed she's not coming & she left it until 2 days before she's told me, she responded 'I know, I'll make it up to ya' & then asked about tomorrow & next Thursday-I'm busy & said so & that it was a bit late to make alternative plans. If you're going to meet people coming from England which isn't a surprise trip then you know what you're choosing more than 2 days before. I'm pissed off at the flippant tone & at other friend who may or may turn out to be another let down for the 'Depends on caravanning', which just obviously translates as 'if I decide I'd rather go to the caravan'. It feels like all these people think I'm an idiot.

Anyway thanks again for the advice, it does help to write it down & dh is taking me away for the night tomorrow so there is something to look forward to. All being well 2 others are coming so at least it will be the perfect number to play mah Jong.

I actually laughed at that! "the perfect number to play mah jong"! love it. You have the ability to reframe things which will take you far. It's also a better number to share a bottle of champagne with.

Yanbu.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow

Remember all the BEST people were born in 77.

Birthdays in the summer holidays are difficult. Mine is in July (mid holiday season here) and they are always disappointing.

I think your friends and family are a bit crap. Happy birthday for tomorrow. Try to do something for yourself as a little celebration.

That is crap, I would be unavailable for their birthdays next time then! I am glad you got something planned with dh, and a couple of other friends. Wishing you a very happy birthday tomorrow

Thanks so much all my new BFFs 😘!!. I will buy myself a plant for the garden & a book tomorrow & will right myself by lunchtime.

After a lot of ping ponging message LDF says boyfriends family are flying over as a surprise trip for just the one day (after my previous text alluded to that being the only option that might warrant not coming!) no response to my subsequent text of why didn't you confirm sooner. Biggish apology came which I felt like I had to really work to get & said so.

Have decided to bluntly tell bro that I'm disappointed in his choices & lack of apology. Better out than in. The builders have knocked down the kitchen/diner wall today so it's a nice dusty distraction for me.

Roll on 40s!

Happy 40th Birthday!!!!
Sending you lots of love and good wishes for a really lovely day!

You have lousy friends, find new ones. Seriously. When it was my 40th, I organised a small party, nothing at all fancy, sent humorous invites out about 6 weeks before to 40 people (youngest 18 oldest 90). 38 turned up and the other two sent apologies.

There are 7 of us who socialise quite a lot. Two couples, three singles. We never arrange to do anything on the nearest Friday or Saturday to someone's birthday in case whoever it is fancies going for a meal or just out for drinks. Wouldn't occur to me not to do that. If we haven't heard of any plans about 3 weeks before, one of us will raise the subject, get it diaried in and then everyone can plan accordingly.

Is the caravan thing a holiday? I only ask because that puts that friend in a somewhat similar position to you. If your family holiday clashed with her 40th birthday you'd either be letting your brother down as he has done you or be letting your friend down as she has done you. (Not blaming you or saying you're wrong because I am totally on your side but just trying to give an explanation as to what could have happened).

Happy birthday for tomorrow!!!

ShatnersWig I think you are very lucky!

I disagree that you should let people know. Surely if they are letting you down for your 40th birthday they are fully aware of what they are doing.

Thanks-have had a nice day. Staying in lovely country house & great food with nothing to do so nicely relaxed for a change.

Caravan friend owns a caravan half an hour up the road, she is coming abw but didn't like the phrasing/sentiment in her original response which I conveyed & she is coming. Other ldf has said they can rejig things & come for a few hours but I've said thanks but no thanks as don't want the inevitable atmosphere.

Anyway, all is good, it's good but draining to be honest about your feelings but sure, it's all character building & I feel all the stronger for it. Love Mumsnet, it's like free therapy 😀