AIBU to tell Dads family to swivel re. Christmas?

[jitterbug5]

More of a WWYD, curious to see what you think! Quite a long post to avoid drip feeding, sorry!

Currently 23 yo and 32 weeks pregnant. My entire childhood we have spent Christmas Eve (Dads birthday), Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my dads side (my grandparents, my aunt and uncle and their young son)
No real particular reason, just one of those things that has became 'tradition' I suppose.

Grandma on my other side was widowed about 10 yrs ago and she would alternate between coming with us and to her other daughters (mums sisters). However my Mum massively missed out on a lot of Christmases spent with her family as we just went with my dads side (if that makes any sense).

Grandma on mums side remarried a few years ago and although they were still invited at Christmas it just isn't 'doable' as families are expanding, as they do!

As it stands, uncle is very poorly (heart problem the same as CG). However my grandma on mums side was recently (the last 2 months) diagnosed with cancer. My mum, at this point, has said that for Christmas Eve this year she would like to do it at her house, with myself, DH and our son, my sisters and partners and her mum and dad. She physically couldn't accommodate for anymore. Christmas Day and Boxing Day would still be spent with dads side, the only change here is Christmas Eve.

Dads side have turned on mum, saying things like 'well if that's how it is we'll have to accept it but worried Uncle will miss out' and generally making my poor Mum, who has been the only one to compromise for years, feel a bit shit.

I'm not wrong to say Dads side are being VVU am I? Honestly shocked at how they are being with Mum and wanted to get outsiders opinion before I got involved!

Oh god. I hate the who gets who at Christmas dance every single year. It has caused so many rows for us.

No you are not being unreasonable. You will have to be strong and stick to it though. I did last year and actually enjoyed Christmas for the first time in years.

You are seeing both of them. So go to your mum's on Xmas eve. You will regret it if you don't.

Divadee it's ridiculous isn't it! And I'm sure the arguing starts earlier every year!! This is our first DC and I'm so shocked at how everyone is already fighting over seeing him and he's not even born yet!!

Thanks for your reply anyway!! I had a feeling it was Dads side being UR but just wanted to check!

Your poor mum! If your dads side keep on getting petty you should spend the whole Christmas with your mum.

I would say well if you ain't happy with 2 of the 3 days I won't come at all and spend all Xmas with your Mums family .
I wouldn't feel guilty and for me it wouldn't be an issue. You need to maybe break the tradition of same people every year especially now you will have a new baby , 1 year you may like your child to actually spend time in his own house Christmas day to spend the day playing with his new toys . Start now to do what you want to do or it will get harder as your child gets older .

Your mother has missed out on so much, and your fathers side are still putting the thumbscrews on to get their own way. I would spend this year at your mums, and say from next year on, you will be staying at home with your family. You could call in briefly at each sides house on either Xmas eve or Boxing day, whichever suits you best.

Christmas Day is just 1 day out of 365. You can visit, they can visit you on the other 364 days. Put your foot down now. Make your OWN Christmas memories and traditions.

I think your dad's side are being vvvvv unreasonable. It's a bit much for them to expect every day around Christmas.

My parents never spent Christmas with any family so this isn't an issue I've come across personally. My partner's family are Chinese so our family will have it easy - Christmas with mine, CNY with his. Sorry, that's not helpful!

OP, people are bonkers and batty about Christmas. I couldn't even read your post, my brain just glazed over, but my suggestion is - do what YOU want to do and what YOU think is right. They'll deal with it. They will even, over time, get used to the idea that you are an autonomous human being with your own opinions, and that that's a good thing. If they don't, that's their immaturity and not really your problem.
You're quite young, and pregnant, so in that emotional state - all lovely, but it makes you vulnerable to other people's madness. It's your life, not anyone else's. Be kind to all, but make the decision YOU are happy with, whatever it is.

Took me years to learn this stuff! Very best of luck with your baby.

I would tell them to sod off for the other two days too to be honest. They don't sound very nice anyway and you will probably want to start creating your own traditions when your baby comes so just say "Actually there has been a change of plan, I will want my own Christmas traditions with my baby anyway and your disgraceful behavior towards my mother has made me realise it's best to get out now while the going is good. Merry Christmas - in august!!"

When me and DP met, we made an agreement that we would only have Christmas alone, the two of us. We see my family xmas eve and his Boxing Day / it's a lot of travel but we have avoided every argument, every year because we stick to our stance.
But anyways - you do, and go where you want to, don't be swayed by bickering family!

Would your mum want to spend Christmas day, as well as eve with her mum? If she would then she definitely should as it could be her last chance

I get that the Uncle is possibly in the same position, but I think a person's relationship with their mum takes precedence

What about your DH's family - will you see them at all?

I have been very clear (following advice from DM) since having DD that we will not be going out on Christmas day. Anyone that wants to see us can come here, but we will be at home. Otherwise you get into the alternate year thing and you can't stop - y would be upset because you went to x last year!

I want DD to be able to have fun with her presents and not have to be on her best behaviour / be bored stuck in someone elses house. That's no xmas for a kid.

I understand there are exceptional circumstances here with illness and you want to see people at Xmas. I would see who you want this year, when you want, and use the birth of DS as an oppourtunity to knock on the head permenantly the 'tradition' of seeing your DF all 3 days.

YANBU and I'd tell your Dads family to shove it and wouldn't spend any of it with them, but I'm a twisted cow and also hate getting stuck with routines/traditions.

YANBU, OP.

Who hosts Christmas at your dad's family?

I hope your mum doesnt cook for these people every year!

You know your Dad's side of the family are being unreasonable and I would be tempted to tell them that they back off and apologise to your mum or they will not see you or the baby over the festive period.

You are right to want to spend some time with your ill grandmother over Christmas, but at some point you may need to start making your own little families traditions. I wonder what your DH makes of all of this - it seems as though his family hasn't been considered. Are they not close?

What's your dad's take on this?

Me and DH are fairly easy about the whole thing. As Christmas Eve is also my Dads birthday, we've already agreed to spend that with my family but we haven't even thought about Christmas Day/Boxing Day yet! We were both a bit it's already being discussed!!

DH said the same about spending Christmas Day at ours this year and just seeing everyone else other days. MIL insisted she needed to see her grandson though, but that's a whole other thread!!

Thanks for all the replies - half tempted to tell Dads side to forget it this year and spend it with DM and DG, whatever they decide. Like pp have said, it's one day, and could well be the last with her! (But that isn't worth thinking about!)

I feel sad for your mum, of course it's unreasonable for your Dad's side to kick off, but they're so used to having it all their own way that they don't see why she wants to upset the status quo.

They're arses of course. Hope your mum (and your Dad!) sticks to her guns and tells them that she will be doing exactly what she has planned and if they don't like it then too bad.

Zarah123 oh god no, my grandma hosts it. She has the bigger house! Haha

MandateMandy sorry I tried not too dripfeed and I've done exactly that! We plan on seeing DH's family also, on Christmas Day, if DH doesn't decide he wants to stay at home just the 3 of us. We'll eat with one side and then spend the afternoon with the other. We just haven't even thought about who with yet!

dingodon My dad is happy to do whatever my mum wants too do. He understands that she's compromised the most over the years and he wants an easy life, I suppose! He's trying to keep the peace and I think if it wasn't for him it would have probably exploded into something bigger, bless him

I don't think much of your dad, OP, for allowing his side of the family to monopolize every single Christmas over the years. Easy life indeed ... he's been catering to the side he thought would give him a harder time for years ...

You are not wrong. Spend Christmas how you and your DH want to spend it. Do this every year: spend it how you and your DH want to spend it.

BewareOfDragons I can see actually why it makes my Dad look bad but honestly, he would have preferred to have stayed at home himself all these years and not seen anyone. He hates every kind of event/get together and having to make an effort. I think he would have not come to my wedding if he got the choice! he would much rather sit in with my Mum over everything. It wasn't because of him we've been at his mums every year. I do think that falls to the expectations of his parents, assuming we would be there every year!

Agree though. Gonna sit down tonight with DH and see what he wants to do and we'll lay the law down for our own family from now!!

Thanks for all the advice!

Uurrgh christmas fighting already. I was mad at DH the other night as he came home from MIL with a 'decision' on Christmas without any discussion with me! I would mind less if the decision wasn't that I will host MIL for the whole of Christmas as BIL is going away on boxing day and doesn't need the hassle!!

Backstory is that my DM used to host ( at her house 1hr drive away) DH/me, Dbro/SIL and MIL (DF remarried, FIL dead). Then 2 DN (my bros kids) and 2 DC joined the mix. MIL then decided to make it awkward, partly over dc, partly because she believes at 80 she can be rude and people have to accept it. My DM disagreed! (MIL got up boxing day 11.30ish, and demanded dh take her home - We were all staying till 27th. He had a beer in his hand and was playing with dc/dn at the time so said he couldnt as he'd already had a drink. He was told it didnt matter and she wanted to go home. She then started asking about buses - dm lives in the sticks, limited buses on a general weekday, no chance on boxing day) she then continued to slam around dm's house for the rest of the day making things impossible for all!) DM has not forgotten 5yrs on.

So BIL decided to split taking MIL for 2 out of 4 days. This made things doable. This year it seems they have decided to forget all that and expect DM to host. I'm not looking forward to that discussion!

Do think carefully before you start sharing yourselves out on Christmas day. You might find it easier to set the ground rules very early rather than get railroaded into traditions that might be set in stone for years to come. You may be easy going with arrangements but others might not be. Decide now to have at least one day that is your own relaxed Christmas when you don't end up ferrying between various family members. I'm really not anti big family Christmas celebrations but it was only when we dug in our heels and did this that we were then able to spend other days over the holiday with family with good heart and genuine enjoyment.